don't speak

don't speak, no

High and Dry

is apparently what my blog has been lately. So, let's catch up. I'm moving to Kentucky in two and a half weeks. CRAZY SHIT, Y'ALL.

I got a job as a mechanical integrity engineer (who even knew such a job existed?) at a plant in Calvert City. My cousin sent me the job description; I wasn't even looking for a job...but the description hooked me. It's sort of like forensic structural engineering, just on machinery and pressure vessels and stuff instead of on the actual structure. I'd have to USE MY BRAIN! YAY! I am so excited. It will be intensive training for a year or so, but hey, I was considering going back for a PhD anyway and I think this will be better and more practical. Oh. And there is a SIGNIFICANT pay increase, but that is not why I want this job.

Mama is pretty torn up about it (as I expected, and honestly I am too, but I'm also really really excited which helps me, and she doesn't have that) but she did say that she totally thought it was a wonderful opportunity and she is happy for me. But, yeah. She is so sad. :( I wish I didn't have to do this to her, or that she and my dad would move up there but that isn't realistic considering her other two kids live in GA still--and the grandkids.

More later, kind of keyed up right now.

Tumbleweeds

Hmmm...it appears that I have not posted in a while. Sorry bout the tumbleweeds, though I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog anyway. But it's for me, so I guess that isn't important. Maybe I'm apologizing to MYSELF about the tumbleweeds?

I've been taking belly dance classes and they rock my face off. Also, I apparently do not suck quite as badly as I thought and don't look spastic in class (usually). And I've not elbowed anyone, or busted my ass, or kicked a person/mirror/column. So I'm considering it a RESOUNDING success. Plus it's so much more fun than exercise for the sake of exercise.

I've decided to only take one belly dance class at a time though--it was starting to feel that I was laser focusing on THIS HOBBY and trying to be the valedictorian of belly dance, which is not really how I'd like to approach this whole hobby thing. The whole point of getting done with grad school was to NOT have laser focus for a while, to be able to try a whole bunch of new stuff.

So to that end, I'm signing up for knife skills 101 at the local Cook's Warehouse on June 17th. I will also be de-cluttering/organizing/painting our office/library (at my house) this weekend with my awesome sister's help. If we have time left we will organize the kitchen. Either this week or next, I'm going to build raised beds which will eventually house our vegetable garden.

Yay for time for projects!

Wherein I Admit to Being a Little Bit Awful

Friend's Facebook post: "1 man 2 trees 3 nails 4 you"

My (internal) response: "Hmm. I really think that three nails wouldn't be enough to hold a human's body weight."

Then the brain took off with: either there were way more nails than three, or they were really big diameter...wait...how were they even LONG enough to go through limbs? were they SPIKES? why am I even thinking about this? it's gross. and inhumane. I wonder if they nailed the cords binding his feet? I still don't think three nails would hold all that weight. but still it'd have to go through a wrist because there was no cord there, and I've just never seen a nail that long...so it must have been more of a spike. oh my lord (oh man. no pun intended) how could anyone DO that to another person? why am i even thinking about this? are we even sure this happened? who came up with that, and why would you start thinking that way? cleverness with the 1, 2, 3, 4 and NAILS IN PEOPLE'S LIMBS just do not go together, mmmkay?


POST-EDIT: I JUST notice the 2 trees. How do we know it wasn't only one? or that it didn't take three? do they even HAVE trees there? i thought it was desert?

Like I said. Awful.

Movie Star Sugar

A wonderful old man and his wonderful wife are at home. Their great-niece is arriving soon to spend the day with them. She, and they, are very excited about this. She bursts in the door, blonde curls flying behind her.

The old man says, "Get over here and give me some movie star sugar!"

The child scampers over to his chair and proffers first her right palm, then the back of her right hand. Next, the left palm, and the back of the left hand. Right cheek, left cheek, almost like they are French. Finally, the enormous bear hug, and she is still and happy. His cologne smells like home, warm and spicy and comforting.

Our Upcoming Weekend

Tonight: chill and relax while finishing painting the bathroom and putting it back together (hamper, towel shelves, etc).

Tomorrow, 10 am: House guru comes over to tell us which parts of our house are going to fall in, how badly the flipper dumbass dude sucked, and how many trillions of dollars it will be to fix.

Tomorrow, 6:45 pm: I go babysit while Caleb chills out at home (and probably works on the sheetrock in the office). I study after kid goes to sleep.

Sunday, 12:30 pm: I go take the math portion of the SAT so that I can hopefully get a part time job tutoring math (night/weekends).

Sunday, after the test: Go hang out with my 2 bff's and all our husbands. Yay!

(Monday night: belly dancing
Tuesday night: physical therapy
Wednesday night: belly dancing)

(This and the next week are the only times I'll have belly dancing 2 nights, but wow. I'm feeling busy and industrious lately!)

Things The Very Materialistic Side of Me Wants, But Which I Do Not Have.

Highlights that never fade

A Camaro

And a Lotus Exige

And a 1987 BMW 325 (fully restored of course)

To be able to spend freely to decorate my home

Substantial savings so we can have a kid

(something tells me those last two might be mutually exclusive)

A beach house

A housekeeper/personal chef

A gorgeously landscaped property with a garden and a fenced in backyard

A personal trainer (in order to become a size 4 again, which would go nicely with those never-fading highlights)

I think this list is long enough now.


I do not want this blog to become a chore...or boring. So I will not be updating goals here anymore. They will be on my calendar, with maybe an occasional "Hey, here's how I'm doing" post. (Hey, here's how I'm doing: better. And that is the goal; to be better each week).

Actual Email From My Mother

My brother's name is (not his real name) John, and he is 35. Also my mom doesn't do cutesy stuff. That is really all you need to know to find the following email hilarious. (Emphasis mine).

apparently we have too many erasures on our crct and are under suspicion. who knows what they're going to do, but let's get real. we have an abundance of eraser addicts. some of the kids i serve will erase 4-5 times and keep putting the same answer each time or they'll erase the right answer and put the wrong one. i just want to scream. it's not like our scores are burning up the woods great. [a co-worker] thinks it's a witch hunt by the state. whatever it is it's ruining all our lives. tune in tomorrow for the latest installment. we are supposed to get 1-3 in. of snow starting tomorrow about 9:00. i hope we don't get stranded at school. that is my worst nightmare. they've cancelled the daddy-daughter dance for tomorrow nite here. john i got us tickets for the mother -son dance at the [town they live in] center field complex. i forgot to tell you. i'll pick you up at 6 fri nite. i'm going to get my hair done in the a.m. wear a tux.

I suck, and last week

Overstuffed, hell, I don't know, I can't remember that far back. Yes. At least once.

Spendy. Yes. We went to visit a friend this weekend. Friend just had a baby 8 wks ago and wanted to go shopping. I am the world's worst at not giving in to temptation, so I bought stuff I shouldn't have. (With a credit card! ACK! Because we don't have any money!)

Self-care. Ok I guess, except for I've been stressing about money because I SUCK. But we'll get to that in a minute.

What else am I supposed to be tracking again? (Consulting the list)....

Socially balanced? It was pretty good. We had people over Wed and Thurs but somehow when it's people at my house it's much easier for me socially than going OUT. Plus it's actually cheaper. (Chili one night, chicken another from the freezer).

Weekly project...not even sure what it was supposed to be, so no, nothing got done.

Monthly project, going, I guess. We haven't been home weekends though and I can definitely tell. Plus we are broke...which leads me to WHY I SUCK.


So...remember when I went shopping a couple weeks ago? And I may or may not have mentioned that I've been shopping a lot more often for a few months...well. Last week I finally did the budget for January and realized that I'd spent money we didn't have. So I initiated a transfer from our online savings account and was done. Or so I thought. But since the transfers take so fucking long, it didn't come through in time. And the situation spiraled, because automatic bills came out (like the $20 toll card charge that happens when the card is getting low, which is really difficult to predict), causing NSF fees all over the place. Since Friday I've been IN THE NEGATIVE (this has NEVER happened before, so please understand the shame I'm feeling right now, and the stomach-in-knots feeling, and the stress), and because things keep hitting, I keep getting NSF fees and the transfer from the online savings isn't enough, and OMG. And hubby has the ATM card for the online account (don't worry, I already told him I fucked up) and I keep meaning to get it and hurry up and put money in, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am up to $216 in NSF fees. OMG. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I cannot adequately express how this makes me feel (nauseated, ashamed, sick of not having enough money, etc).

So. I set up a new budget, with more categories (I had an "other" column in the other budget and that, I think, has contributed to my slip ups). I factored in things like car insurance and car tags and all those semi-annual to annual expenses...and discovered that I ACTUALLY DO NOT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY FOR EVERYTHING. Before, somehow, I was either afraid to find out (because I had a sneaking suspicion that I might not actually make enough) or just assumed we were ok since I didn't have to pay tuition anymore. So no more "other" for a while. If ever.

AND Bea (the puppy) was limping on her back leg last week. It improved marginally throughout the week, and she stayed with a friend this past weekend. At friend's house, she went underneath the back deck (she likes it under there and has always done that when she's over there)...and came back in and wouldn't put ANY weight on that back leg. So I took her to the vet yesterday. And it's likely her ACL torn and will likely require a $2000 surgery to fix. Yes, we should have gotten pet insurance. And the vet said since this one is blown it's likely only a matter of time until the other one blows, so start saving. I wanted to throw up. We are supposed to keep her on STRICT bed rest for 8 days and if it's not fully functional by then, we get to go to the orthopedist to schedule surgery. Poor puppy. And how the F are we going to pay for that???? Ugh.

So I'm applying for part time jobs that I can do at night and on weekends, at least until hubby can get a part time job. And I am thoroughly chagrined. And I do not want to live like this anymore. I never want to feel this way when I look at my online account again. Just thinking about it makes me sweat.

I'll keep you posted. I think this may be the "rock bottom" for me that all the financial people keep talking about. Enough is enough. No more extra anything for us until we have paid off all our debt. I AM DONE.

Wow

Maggie's post about her plane ride was interesting. And scary. And enlightening. From now on I will have a scarf with me on a plane. And when I have kids, a Sharpie. For this:

"On a side note, when we were kids, my father would travel with a Sharpie so he could write on us if something ever happened. Like being separated, he would write our names on our left palms before we got on a plane."

(From one of the comments on that post).

The List

I made a list of fun stuff/projects I want to do now that I'm out of school. Some of them will have to wait a while due to lack of space, funds, or time...but some of them I'm doing now:

-cook (I'm thinking of trying one new recipe every...however often. Maybe once a month?)
-learn to paint artistically, or at least attempt it
-crochet a sweater that I love
-learn to sew
-learn to quilt
-learn to knit
-practice drawing
-drive (when I was younger every now and then I'd just DRIVE for a couple hours. It helped my mental state, and I think it still would).
-decorate my house little by little
-begin yoga again
-learn calligraphy
-make a dog bed
-begin meal planning weekly
-learn to felt wool
-get massages twice a year
-take some cooking classes (we start these tonight! yay!)
-puppy classes (we start these tonight! yay!)
-belly dancing classes (I start these on Feb 1st).
-read "The Lovely Bones"
-learn more car stuff
install new (only a little louder) exhaust
-begin to meditate
-get more adrenaline
skydive again
hang glide
zip lines
-be an SCCA member this year
-go to at least 4 autocrosses
-get rid of any underwear I'd be embarrassed to be wearing in the hospital (ALMOST got this done)
-take a month long road trip or two (east coast or west coast or both)
-see all of Frank Lloyd Wright's homes/structures
-Robie House
-Unity Temple
-His house in Oak Park
-Florence, AL
-Taliesin
-Taliesin II
-Falling Water
-California ones
-buy a Beamie and restore it (1987 325 stick shift with manual crank sunroof and straight-six engine)
-grow a garden (we should be doing this this year, at least a "square-foot" garden).
-see the redwoods
-and badwater
-waterski (slalom or not), maybe learn how to barefoot like my granddad
-visit every state
-visit Germany, Italy, Istanbul, Japan (Tokyo), South America, Wales, Spain, France, Netherlands, Sweden, Denmark, Bora Bora, Transylvania, Romania
-become capable of ironing a shirt in less than 10 minutes (right now it takes me like 20--and that is SAD).


I plan to keep adding to this list over time, and crossing things off it too. Hopefully. :)

Musings on Clutter

A friend of mine just made her children get rid of all but a few dresses, a couple nightgowns, some books, and ONE stuffed animal. Just a few years ago, I probably would have thought, wow, how cruel. But the last year and a half or so I've been attempting to get more simplicity in our house and in my life, and now that I'm not in school anymore it has become something of a priority. I find the more I get rid of, the less it weighs on my mind, AND, as a bonus, I'm only left with the stuff I LOVE. (Which makes me want to take care of it, which means I am neater).

As a child, I too had WAY TOO MANY toys/stuffed animals/etc. I inherited all of my sister's toys and such since she was 5 years older, plus had my own given to me. There were probably 50 barbies, 100 stuffed animals, every character in Maple Town, etc. And I remember playing with a lot of it, true--BUT. I also remember feeling extremely depressed and overwhelmed anytime it was time to clean up. Nothing ever fit anywhere because there was always too much of it. My clothes drawers and closet were ALWAYS overflowing; underneath my bed was always full, my stuffed animal area overflowed onto the floor or was a GIANT pyramid...and I carried it through into adulthood. In college I had too many clothes to fit into a large walk-in closet, plus clothes in drawers and under my bed in storage boxes. I think this translated into a lifelong habit of clutter everywhere--mail on counters, books in the living room floor, clothes all over my bedroom floor, shoes everywhere in the house. Plus I was (am?) a health and beauty product junkie--4 kinds of shampoo, 3 kinds of gel, 10 lotions, etc. I finally decided I don't NEED that much stuff, especially since I only USE 2 shampoos, one conditioner, 1 gel, and 1 lotion. Duh. I cannot believe it took me 26 years to realize this. I still have to go through all the bathroom stuff, which I will do as we put the bathroom back together from Honey Darlin' building the recessed shelves in there.

And now, I have much less than I did then--and like it so much better. Too many choices tend to make me miserable. I'd still say that I have too much clothing, but at least it all fits in the closet/drawers now and everything has a place. And if I don't get healthier like I intend to within the next few months, I will get rid of the clothing that I kept that is currently too small. (It's conveniently separated from the rest of my clothing). And I WILL NOT feel guilty about getting rid of it--in this year-long purge, I've realized that for some reason, I feel guilty for not liking/wanting/wearing the stuff that I want to get rid of, which makes it even harder to get rid of it. How insane is that? Most of it got a lot of use and is still good stuff, it's just not ME anymore. I'm not sure if the guilt is money related (I spent money on that and don't even want it anymore) or what. Thoughts?

My friend, after doing the purge with her children, said that each child individually came up to her and said they liked it BETTER with so much less. If that's not confirmation I don't know what is. I applaud my friend for teaching her children something that it took me 26 years to teach myself. I am happier being less materialistic, having less STUFF, because that's not what really matters. Plus it's easier to keep clean. And a small wardrobe requires FAR less expenditure to keep up than a humongous one.

(I don't blame my mom for this...she isn't materialistic and doesn't have a lot of STUFF. However, my dad is a packrat and would keep everything if allowed. I think this is because HIS parents are materialistic and lived through the depression and so keep EVERYTHING. But my dad isn't materialistic, he just can't get rid of anything. I wish he read stuff like this. It would help him let STUFF go and keep my mom more sane, since she has to live with all his accumulated STUFF). However. I do think that one or both of my parents could have explained that stuff causes anxiety and guilt (for not taking care of it, having too much, not being able to clean it up because there's no more room for anything) and forced me to get rid of more as a kid...but my mom is sentimental, and that probably made her unable to force us to get rid of stuff if she loved it too (even if the love was in the past).

Mimi

"And I realized why old people talk to checkout girls for so long. It's because they haven't spoken to anyone else all day."

(from Boo)

And it makes me sad for my grandmother, Mimi. She was widowed in her thirties with four young children, and she never remarried. I think she would have, once, but one of her daughters made a snide comment (and this was LONG after her husband had died) about how they didn't think she should remarry--so she DIDN'T. However grumpy she sometimes was, however much she really didn't like kids in her old age, I can't help but wish I'd been more thoughtful. We used to make fun of the fact that she talked. Incessantly. To anyone and everyone who would listen. She always told cashiers that my mom was valedictorian back in 1970 (and later when my cousin and I were too she'd add that in), she always talked about how "you're looking at three generations!" when she, my mom, and I would go places together--and we (me, my sister, and our cousin) always used to roll our eyes and get embarrassed that she was with us. She'd tell anyone that she raised four kids alone and they turned out fine...but she never talked about the emotional toll that had to have taken on her.

Now, though, I can see why she'd be that way...she'd been widowed for 40 years and lived alone. Mimi had no one to talk to, even if she did stuff with us once or twice a week--can you imagine only talking one day a week? Life had to have meant more to her than us--hence three generations was something to be grateful for, since she never got to live out her golden years with the love of her life. And no wonder it sometimes seemed that she was boastful of raising four kids alone--she was forced to do exactly that during a time when most women didn't even work, much less worry about being a single mom and putting food on the table. (I hope, but don't know, that my granddad had life insurance. She did get military benefits though, thank heavens).

My granddad was a nose gunner at 19 years old in WWII, and because of that his heart was enlarged and he began to have heart problems shortly after coming back. He lived a while in a state of bad health, and died when my mom was just 15. (Mom was only the second of four, too). Mimi never talked about resenting the military for the long years of his bad health and drinking because of being depressed about his health, but I have to think that in that situation I'd have blamed them endlessly AND been a lot more bitter about it than she.

The older I get, the more respect I have for this side of my grandmother that I never knew. I wish I had stopped long enough to consider it while she was living; I think she would have talked to me about it if I'd asked. Too often, we assume people don't want to talk about things that might be painful...but I think she would have been pleased that I wanted to know.

If I had a copy of it, I'd leave off with my favorite picture of her--she's 14, and she and my granddad are on some kind of youth church trip, and they are gripping hands, two skinny kids in the snow, in their bathing suits, looking absolutely FREEZING, and grinning like idiots. I wonder if they were on the way to a hot tub? Whenever I get sad that she's gone, I picture that, and I know that if there is a God, if heaven exists, that's where she is right now. Fourteen, with Jimmy, in their swimsuits in the snow being idiotic teenagers, their life before them. No war, no health problems, just them, making up for the last fifty or so years.

Goals / January project

So, now that goals have been stated, my plan is to do a little blog each Monday to check in with myself.

For last week, Jan 4-10:
Overstuffed: Twice, Wednesday lunch (but I ate very little dinner to make up for it) and Saturday dinner for the work holiday party.

Spending: Was God-awful. I had a wake-up call in the form of an NSF fee and a trip to the bank this morning to deposit from savings.

Socially balanced? Decent...Mom and Daddy came up Wednesday for dinner, we went to a friend's house Friday night for dinner, Saturday was the holiday party for my work, and Sunday my mom, daddy, sister-in-law and my two nieces came over for lunch. It was maybe a little too busy, but it was extremely nice that people came to us, and it made it feel much less busy for that.

Self care? Could have been better--no exercise. However, I did take an extra long shower Saturday and used sugar scrub on elbows/knees/feet, shaved, and I painted my fingernails too, which hasn't happened in AGES. So, pretty much better than anytime in 2009. :)

Our monthly project is to get the house properly ventilated, and finish the unfinished projects that have been sitting there for three months (shelving in bath, office walls fixed). Caleb and a buddy of ours finished installing the attic ventilation fan today, so we are making progress!!

Next week: (which is really this week, now) I have a mini-project to weed out my closet.

Today is skirts.
Tuesday, pants.
Wednesday, dresses.
Thursday, suits and shoes.
Friday, shirts.

The following week (18-22) will be....DRAWERS.
Monday: top drawer/undies
Tuesday: middle drawer
Wednesday: bottom drawer
Thursday: socks, sweaters
Friday: bras, swimsuits, exercise clothes (these are in mini-drawers in my closet)

2010

2009 wasn't AWFUL...but it wasn't amazing either. I continued to suck on the spending too much front, our house had wet walls and some mold.

I did, however, graduate with my master's, which STILL feels wonderful. Especially since one of my co-workers is starting school this week and I DON'T HAVE TO. :)

So, 2009. It was what it was, and I probably won't miss it that much. Here's to 2010, and a year of golden opportunities. I have a lot of hopes, let's not say resolutions...I always fail miserably at those.

I'd like to become more self-aware, and use this to begin taking better care of myself. To be able to tell someone "No" for a social engagement if Caleb and I are just done. To be able to make myself a priority instead of school and other people first. To attempt to begin liking my body and caring for it rather than beating myself up about not exercising. Quantifiable goals: "check in" with myself weekly and see how the week went from a self-care perspective. Feel overstuffed after eating no more than once a week.

I'd like to be more adult about my spending decisions. My inner child wants everything and wants it now--but that is leading to no net change in my amount of debt or savings. I'd like the debt to go down and the savings to go UP. Plus, it's NEVER worth the stress when I indulge my inner child. Quantifiable goal: pay off $1000 in debt this year ($83.33 per month)

I'd like to slow down. We were gone for more than half our weekends last year, and that really sapped both of us of energy and happiness. We do love our families, and love seeing them, but cannot (and will not, this year) allow family time to be the detriment of "us" or alone time. Quantifiable goal: Be at home at least 2.5 weekends per month.

I'd like to pare down. I have way too many clothes still, even though I have fewer than I did last year. I want to keep things I love and that flatter me, and decide whether to store "skinny" clothes for an eventual future, or freecycle everything. Quantifiable goal: Have drawers no more than 2/3 full after I am done, have at least 1 inch of room for each hanger that I keep. (This might be preposterous)...

I'd like to make more effort to make our house feel like OURS--without spending more than $30 per month (about the cost of a gallon of paint). Quantifiable goal: One minor home improvement/decorating project per month.

I think that is enough. Now, to figure out how to TRACK the goals, lest they become buried in my blogroll and I forget.

Here's to hope for 2010 to rock my face off.

The End

Here is a picture of the first line the last section of my graduate school evaluation:

....and it felt so good.

Stoopid Question

Subaru sends me surveys from time to time. One of the questions on the most recent one:

If we could go back and magically remove the All-Wheel-Drive component from your current Subaru and replace it with Front-Wheel-Drive - (additionally you would receive $1,500 cash and your vehicle would get a +2 MPG increase) - would you be happy?

No, I would want my AWD back immediately

Possibly – I would drive it a little and then make a decision

Yes, I would be happy to make this switch from FWD with slightly better MPG and some extra money back


OHMIGOD people are you serious?!? Would ANYONE with a WRX in their right MIND take a paltry $1500 and additional two (TWO. Not five or ten or twelve, but TWO) mpg for the loss of all that makes a WRX what it is--fun to drive, capable of driving in snow or turning corners at 30 mph, among other things??

I reamed them later in the commentable sections of the survey, after choosing the obvious answer to this particular question. Personally, I think they have die-hard fans right now. And if they get rid of AWD standard on all vehicles, they are taking a gamble--that their cars will become more mainstream. BUT. With that, they are also risking losing their die-hard fans, who see Subaru as different, independent, and a ridiculously great value for the money--but probably won't if they have to pay extra for their AWD.

I guess, to me, it's tantamount to a sellout move, and that makes me nauseous. Why can't you be happy with your extremely dedicated following instead of resorting to watering down your brand image/changing it entirely in a bid to gain market share? Maybe they won't. Fingers crossed.

Why higher education is going to hell in a handbasket...

Tuition USED TO BE 867.00, including all fees and such, for one class (which in and of itself is ridiculous)...but now, NOW, it is....wait for it....



1136.00


for one stinking 3 hour class. Fuck that. I am so glad I'll be done in December.

Hideously Charming

Everyone should have a squirrel lamp:

squirrel lamp



You could terrorize small children by turning it on suddenly in the middle of the night!

The author of this site does NOT condone terrorizing small children.

Rut

I'm in a food rut. I need to find new (moderately priced) restaurants and try them instead of going to the same places all the time.

Ideas? I'm in Atlanta and will eat pretty much anything except olives and Taco Bell.