Overstuffed, hell, I don't know, I can't remember that far back. Yes. At least once.
Spendy. Yes. We went to visit a friend this weekend. Friend just had a baby 8 wks ago and wanted to go shopping. I am the world's worst at not giving in to temptation, so I bought stuff I shouldn't have. (With a credit card! ACK! Because we don't have any money!)
Self-care. Ok I guess, except for I've been stressing about money because I SUCK. But we'll get to that in a minute.
What else am I supposed to be tracking again? (Consulting the list)....
Socially balanced? It was pretty good. We had people over Wed and Thurs but somehow when it's people at my house it's much easier for me socially than going OUT. Plus it's actually cheaper. (Chili one night, chicken another from the freezer).
Weekly project...not even sure what it was supposed to be, so no, nothing got done.
Monthly project, going, I guess. We haven't been home weekends though and I can definitely tell. Plus we are broke...which leads me to WHY I SUCK.
So...remember when I went shopping a couple weeks ago? And I may or may not have mentioned that I've been shopping a lot more often for a few months...well. Last week I finally did the budget for January and realized that I'd spent money we didn't have. So I initiated a transfer from our online savings account and was done. Or so I thought. But since the transfers take so fucking long, it didn't come through in time. And the situation spiraled, because automatic bills came out (like the $20 toll card charge that happens when the card is getting low, which is really difficult to predict), causing NSF fees all over the place. Since Friday I've been IN THE NEGATIVE (this has NEVER happened before, so please understand the shame I'm feeling right now, and the stomach-in-knots feeling, and the stress), and because things keep hitting, I keep getting NSF fees and the transfer from the online savings isn't enough, and OMG. And hubby has the ATM card for the online account (don't worry, I already told him I fucked up) and I keep meaning to get it and hurry up and put money in, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am up to $216 in NSF fees. OMG. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I cannot adequately express how this makes me feel (nauseated, ashamed, sick of not having enough money, etc).
So. I set up a new budget, with more categories (I had an "other" column in the other budget and that, I think, has contributed to my slip ups). I factored in things like car insurance and car tags and all those semi-annual to annual expenses...and discovered that I ACTUALLY DO NOT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY FOR EVERYTHING. Before, somehow, I was either afraid to find out (because I had a sneaking suspicion that I might not actually make enough) or just assumed we were ok since I didn't have to pay tuition anymore. So no more "other" for a while. If ever.
AND Bea (the puppy) was limping on her back leg last week. It improved marginally throughout the week, and she stayed with a friend this past weekend. At friend's house, she went underneath the back deck (she likes it under there and has always done that when she's over there)...and came back in and wouldn't put ANY weight on that back leg. So I took her to the vet yesterday. And it's likely her ACL torn and will likely require a $2000 surgery to fix. Yes, we should have gotten pet insurance. And the vet said since this one is blown it's likely only a matter of time until the other one blows, so start saving. I wanted to throw up. We are supposed to keep her on STRICT bed rest for 8 days and if it's not fully functional by then, we get to go to the orthopedist to schedule surgery. Poor puppy. And how the F are we going to pay for that???? Ugh.
So I'm applying for part time jobs that I can do at night and on weekends, at least until hubby can get a part time job. And I am thoroughly chagrined. And I do not want to live like this anymore. I never want to feel this way when I look at my online account again. Just thinking about it makes me sweat.
I'll keep you posted. I think this may be the "rock bottom" for me that all the financial people keep talking about. Enough is enough. No more extra anything for us until we have paid off all our debt. I AM DONE.
Showing posts with label stressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stressed. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
i am the most impatient person i know (aka FRUSTRATION)
but i'm trying. so hard. and i'm having a really hard time in general. sally's thoughts about self-care versus self-control seem key right now. but oh my lord.
if i were practicing self-care, i'd quit school.
if i were practicing self-care, i'd find a job at which i like the WORK as well as the people.
i'd sleep more.
i'd cook more, and get a dishwasher.
i'd read more.
i'd take time for ME instead of letting everything and everyone come first. i've been bad about this in the past; i suppose this is just a relapse. there's just soo much to do and no time. school is pretty much the bane of my existence right now. if i am being honest with myself, i hate it. i hate that i can't come home and do what i want in the evenings, i hate that my "success" depends on someone else's interpretation of what i do and someone else's rules, i hate that i feel like i've learned next to nothing new from undergrad, i hate that it has turned into nothing but an expensive piece of paper and a pay raise to me. basically, it's just a hassle. a royal pain in the ass. most of all, i HATE the CONSTANT, INCESSANT stress of homeworks hanging over my head that are stupid but time consuming. there's never EVER a break from the damned homework. i don't even think i can adequately express just how much it grates on me. but i feel like i have to finish because i'm okay at it and i want to be "successful" and i want to make more money eventually. what ever happened to interesting, new things learned? what is the point of a freaking master's degree if all it is is repetition of the same old SHIT that i have ALREADY DONE? new shit, please. yes, over here. k thanks.
also, i would REALLY like to not live in my apartment anymore, but i'm too stubborn to give up on a house. at some point i'll cave in one direction or another. or explode.
finances are a constant burden as well. i'm making progress, but it's so SLOW. so. slow. and my work STILL hasn't reimbursed the 50% of tuition from spring semester. and i have to pay fall tuition in a matter of weeks. i have (barely) enough saved for the full amount, but that would pretty much wipe out my emergency fund at this point. with them reimbursing enough to pay half, that would be a HUGE relief.
and i keep incrementally, slowly, gaining weight. this galls me. but with my insane schedule, shitty kitchen, and extreme lack of motivation, it's not going to get any better anytime soon.
i haven't been getting enough sleep the past two weeks. i think that has a lot to do with my attitude right now. i'm constantly tired and cranky but can't fucking go to sleep earlier because there's ________ that needs doing before i can go to sleep. (fill in blank with: homework, laundry, cooking, shopping--groceries and cat food, cleaning, errands, obligations, etc.)
oh yeah, and i got rear-ended thursday. ugh. i wish people would GTFA from my car.
i don't feel any better after having released all this. i just want to go cry. no end. it never freaking ends. i sense a good frustration-cry coming on.
if i were practicing self-care, i'd quit school.
if i were practicing self-care, i'd find a job at which i like the WORK as well as the people.
i'd sleep more.
i'd cook more, and get a dishwasher.
i'd read more.
i'd take time for ME instead of letting everything and everyone come first. i've been bad about this in the past; i suppose this is just a relapse. there's just soo much to do and no time. school is pretty much the bane of my existence right now. if i am being honest with myself, i hate it. i hate that i can't come home and do what i want in the evenings, i hate that my "success" depends on someone else's interpretation of what i do and someone else's rules, i hate that i feel like i've learned next to nothing new from undergrad, i hate that it has turned into nothing but an expensive piece of paper and a pay raise to me. basically, it's just a hassle. a royal pain in the ass. most of all, i HATE the CONSTANT, INCESSANT stress of homeworks hanging over my head that are stupid but time consuming. there's never EVER a break from the damned homework. i don't even think i can adequately express just how much it grates on me. but i feel like i have to finish because i'm okay at it and i want to be "successful" and i want to make more money eventually. what ever happened to interesting, new things learned? what is the point of a freaking master's degree if all it is is repetition of the same old SHIT that i have ALREADY DONE? new shit, please. yes, over here. k thanks.
also, i would REALLY like to not live in my apartment anymore, but i'm too stubborn to give up on a house. at some point i'll cave in one direction or another. or explode.
finances are a constant burden as well. i'm making progress, but it's so SLOW. so. slow. and my work STILL hasn't reimbursed the 50% of tuition from spring semester. and i have to pay fall tuition in a matter of weeks. i have (barely) enough saved for the full amount, but that would pretty much wipe out my emergency fund at this point. with them reimbursing enough to pay half, that would be a HUGE relief.
and i keep incrementally, slowly, gaining weight. this galls me. but with my insane schedule, shitty kitchen, and extreme lack of motivation, it's not going to get any better anytime soon.
i haven't been getting enough sleep the past two weeks. i think that has a lot to do with my attitude right now. i'm constantly tired and cranky but can't fucking go to sleep earlier because there's ________ that needs doing before i can go to sleep. (fill in blank with: homework, laundry, cooking, shopping--groceries and cat food, cleaning, errands, obligations, etc.)
oh yeah, and i got rear-ended thursday. ugh. i wish people would GTFA from my car.
i don't feel any better after having released all this. i just want to go cry. no end. it never freaking ends. i sense a good frustration-cry coming on.
Friday, June 27, 2008
yeah, yeah, yeah
i know. i disappeared.
school got the better of me. but i'm going on vacation today, so now i'll REALLY disappear for an ENTIRE WEEK! yay beach!
dear god, i need this. a week of sleep. a week of no stress. a week of no homework. a week of sunshine and sand and water and family.
leaving today after class (2:30 ish) and not coming back until NEXT saturday.
holla.
school got the better of me. but i'm going on vacation today, so now i'll REALLY disappear for an ENTIRE WEEK! yay beach!
dear god, i need this. a week of sleep. a week of no stress. a week of no homework. a week of sunshine and sand and water and family.
leaving today after class (2:30 ish) and not coming back until NEXT saturday.
holla.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
my awful, no-good, terrible, very bad day
or two days. whatever.
so my grandmother died yesterday at 4:15 am. i didn't go back to sleep. went home last night and helped mom wash sheets/make beds/clean mimi's house a little so family can stay there for the next few days. you will find no details of that here.
got home last night around 10:30. crashed. didn't want to wake up this morning. duh. had to come to work for a half day because there's a lunch meeting that if i don't attend, will cause hardship on other people and i didn't really want to do that. get to my car this morning and realize it's been keyed on both driver side doors in one long line. no camera aimed at my car, so i'm just fucked and can't/won't pay the money to have them repainted right now. cry in sheer frustration on the way to work, get unusually frustrated at fellow drivers. (unusually even for me, which was really bad. it didn't help that traffic was worse than normal). get to work.
finally get in touch with my apartment people re the fact that i accidentally paid rent (exorbitantly-overcharged-month-to-month rent) TWICE because the statement no longer said autopay, but then they auto deducted it anyway AND are cashing the check. so get in touch with them finally, and find out i have to fax the debit people proof that i have money in my account (hello? i HAD money till YOU TOOK IT OUT FOR RENT, why should i have to prove that i have money for you to put it back in??) in order to get it refunded. type letter, print proof, go to fax machine only to find it NOT WORKING. get computer guy to come fix it (after getting snapped at by other guy at work who someone told me would fix it).
i want to cry and curl up in a ball on my bed under the covers and not see anyone/do anything/have my shit fucked up for the rest of my life at this point. and i still have to go to the meeting and then drive to carrollton after. joy.
so my grandmother died yesterday at 4:15 am. i didn't go back to sleep. went home last night and helped mom wash sheets/make beds/clean mimi's house a little so family can stay there for the next few days. you will find no details of that here.
got home last night around 10:30. crashed. didn't want to wake up this morning. duh. had to come to work for a half day because there's a lunch meeting that if i don't attend, will cause hardship on other people and i didn't really want to do that. get to my car this morning and realize it's been keyed on both driver side doors in one long line. no camera aimed at my car, so i'm just fucked and can't/won't pay the money to have them repainted right now. cry in sheer frustration on the way to work, get unusually frustrated at fellow drivers. (unusually even for me, which was really bad. it didn't help that traffic was worse than normal). get to work.
finally get in touch with my apartment people re the fact that i accidentally paid rent (exorbitantly-overcharged-month-to-month rent) TWICE because the statement no longer said autopay, but then they auto deducted it anyway AND are cashing the check. so get in touch with them finally, and find out i have to fax the debit people proof that i have money in my account (hello? i HAD money till YOU TOOK IT OUT FOR RENT, why should i have to prove that i have money for you to put it back in??) in order to get it refunded. type letter, print proof, go to fax machine only to find it NOT WORKING. get computer guy to come fix it (after getting snapped at by other guy at work who someone told me would fix it).
i want to cry and curl up in a ball on my bed under the covers and not see anyone/do anything/have my shit fucked up for the rest of my life at this point. and i still have to go to the meeting and then drive to carrollton after. joy.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
little "B" song
-----------
i got a B
B, B, B, B, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
in my scary class, oh yes,
it's a B
no warning for MEEEEEEEEEEE!
B, B, B, B, B, BBB-BUH-B
and,
i'm going to chop off my hair
this weekennnnnnnnnnnnd
----------
the end
i got a B
B, B, B, B, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
in my scary class, oh yes,
it's a B
no warning for MEEEEEEEEEEE!
B, B, B, B, B, BBB-BUH-B
and,
i'm going to chop off my hair
this weekennnnnnnnnnnnd
----------
the end
Thursday, April 03, 2008
unloading
sooo i have a LOT of shit to unload. i've been so amazingly ridiculously insanely busy over the last month, and it's only going to get worse from now till may 1st. (that's when both of my finals are).
where to begin.....
time: i feel like i have NONE of it with which to do what I want to do. (read, sleep, clean, cook, whatever). even though this is not ENTIRELY true, it pretty much is. i'm in the end-of-semester state where i just hunker down (i love that phrase, it makes me laugh) and concentrate on two things to the detriment of everything else. right now, those two things are work and school. i stayed at work all night monday night to finish a term paper for school and then worked the next day. sigh.
money: my cat had a semi-emergency and the subsequent vet visit/medicine/IV fluids totalled 382.17. wow. good thing i have an emergency fund.
also money: the house. as it stands right now, i will be more than okay. however, i keep being afraid there's something i won't know till it's like 8 grand to fix. (however, the house is new as far as framing and everything, so it doesn't need any improvements. just stuff the builder didn't finish because he went into foreclosure. however, he is agreeing to fix the two most dire things, and i am very excited about that, cause they weren't going to be cheap. and that leaves more room in my post-moving-in budget for surprises). so i'm mostly excited about the house. i just want to move in RIGHT NOW.
school: i really despise my one class. and it's really taking a huge toll on my motivation for school in general. fortunately, i think that is the problem, not the fact that i don't want to be an engineer at all, which is a huge relief.
more school: there will be a class offered this summer. do i take it and graduate with my master's a semester early (december 2009 instead of may 2010) or do i take a much-looked-forward-to break? it won't be a HUGE workload, i've had the teacher before and like him, and it's on structural modeling (mostly using GTSTRUDL, which i'm already familiar with). however, my work schedule will most likely be a bit more demanding this summer, and it is three days a week from 1:30 to 2:20, and that's a lot of gas those three days. i could take MARTA on tues/thurs though and defray the cost a bit. i plan on bringing up the topic for discussion at simplicity, they usually see sides of things that i don't and i need that perspective right now.
more money: i need brakes. not DESPERATELY, but SOON. and my brakes are not cheap. sigh. however, i plan on doing the work myself, which will make it significantly cheaper.
self-care: i'm stressed all the time, i don't exercise, and i've been eating like total CRAP the last three weeks. so now i don't sleep well either. i plan on starting to walk for 30 minutes to an hour at least twice a week. maybe rope people into playing frisbee with me too. i MISS exercising (and i never really liked it to begin with, so you know it's bad). i also don't ever, ever relax anymore, and while i know it's temporary (may first, here i come!) it's still taking a toll.
more house: so....i have to pack up all my shit and move in two weeks. timing sucks. never ever ever start your lease anywhere near finals, is the moral of this story. but on the flip side, I GET TO MOVE IN TWO WEEKS (and a day). anyone want to help? lol. (i have some help so if not i won't be offended. moving sucks).
also i want to sell a bunch of crap on craigslist and/or in a yard sale but haven't had time to go through everything yet. oh well. baby steps.
there are silver linings though. narnia's kidneys are not failing (yay!), i have a HOUSE!!!! (triple yay), i'm almost done with the semester, and i kinda feel like i maybe know a little bit of what i'm doing at work now. plus, i have the most awesome bf in the ENTIRE world who is helpful and supportive and snuggly and caring and awesome. all in all, life is good, i'm just stressing out quite a bit right now. and i'm SO TIRED most of the time. :/
soldiering on!
where to begin.....
time: i feel like i have NONE of it with which to do what I want to do. (read, sleep, clean, cook, whatever). even though this is not ENTIRELY true, it pretty much is. i'm in the end-of-semester state where i just hunker down (i love that phrase, it makes me laugh) and concentrate on two things to the detriment of everything else. right now, those two things are work and school. i stayed at work all night monday night to finish a term paper for school and then worked the next day. sigh.
money: my cat had a semi-emergency and the subsequent vet visit/medicine/IV fluids totalled 382.17. wow. good thing i have an emergency fund.
also money: the house. as it stands right now, i will be more than okay. however, i keep being afraid there's something i won't know till it's like 8 grand to fix. (however, the house is new as far as framing and everything, so it doesn't need any improvements. just stuff the builder didn't finish because he went into foreclosure. however, he is agreeing to fix the two most dire things, and i am very excited about that, cause they weren't going to be cheap. and that leaves more room in my post-moving-in budget for surprises). so i'm mostly excited about the house. i just want to move in RIGHT NOW.
school: i really despise my one class. and it's really taking a huge toll on my motivation for school in general. fortunately, i think that is the problem, not the fact that i don't want to be an engineer at all, which is a huge relief.
more school: there will be a class offered this summer. do i take it and graduate with my master's a semester early (december 2009 instead of may 2010) or do i take a much-looked-forward-to break? it won't be a HUGE workload, i've had the teacher before and like him, and it's on structural modeling (mostly using GTSTRUDL, which i'm already familiar with). however, my work schedule will most likely be a bit more demanding this summer, and it is three days a week from 1:30 to 2:20, and that's a lot of gas those three days. i could take MARTA on tues/thurs though and defray the cost a bit. i plan on bringing up the topic for discussion at simplicity, they usually see sides of things that i don't and i need that perspective right now.
more money: i need brakes. not DESPERATELY, but SOON. and my brakes are not cheap. sigh. however, i plan on doing the work myself, which will make it significantly cheaper.
self-care: i'm stressed all the time, i don't exercise, and i've been eating like total CRAP the last three weeks. so now i don't sleep well either. i plan on starting to walk for 30 minutes to an hour at least twice a week. maybe rope people into playing frisbee with me too. i MISS exercising (and i never really liked it to begin with, so you know it's bad). i also don't ever, ever relax anymore, and while i know it's temporary (may first, here i come!) it's still taking a toll.
more house: so....i have to pack up all my shit and move in two weeks. timing sucks. never ever ever start your lease anywhere near finals, is the moral of this story. but on the flip side, I GET TO MOVE IN TWO WEEKS (and a day). anyone want to help? lol. (i have some help so if not i won't be offended. moving sucks).
also i want to sell a bunch of crap on craigslist and/or in a yard sale but haven't had time to go through everything yet. oh well. baby steps.
there are silver linings though. narnia's kidneys are not failing (yay!), i have a HOUSE!!!! (triple yay), i'm almost done with the semester, and i kinda feel like i maybe know a little bit of what i'm doing at work now. plus, i have the most awesome bf in the ENTIRE world who is helpful and supportive and snuggly and caring and awesome. all in all, life is good, i'm just stressing out quite a bit right now. and i'm SO TIRED most of the time. :/
soldiering on!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
hanging on by a thread
i cannot wait until next week. it is spring break, and i will only have to work. (and catch up on schoolwork, but at least i won't be SITTING IN CLASS wishing i could leave early to go catch up on the work for that class).
something's gotta give. but i don't WANT to give up any part of my life--social, school, or work.
i think i just need to stop procrastinating and get some school-related motivation. that would solve a lot of problems...
hanging in there, waiting till summer when i can just be a worker, not a student. i absolutely cannot wait.
also, i'm happy right now in regards to the rest of my life. just feel like i'm clawing away at the cliff that is my schoolwork and losing ground steadily. it's a little scary.
something's gotta give. but i don't WANT to give up any part of my life--social, school, or work.
i think i just need to stop procrastinating and get some school-related motivation. that would solve a lot of problems...
hanging in there, waiting till summer when i can just be a worker, not a student. i absolutely cannot wait.
also, i'm happy right now in regards to the rest of my life. just feel like i'm clawing away at the cliff that is my schoolwork and losing ground steadily. it's a little scary.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
cork in the bottle
i am emo right now. and it is not going away like it should. (seriously, i HATE it. it makes me feel like a girl, and illogical, and i get frustrated, but then when i get frustrated, i cry, and then the cycle repeats itself).
school is SERIOUSLY stressing me out. i don't enjoy it anymore. i no longer experience the state of "flow" when i do homework. ("flow" being the state of being totally engrossed in what i'm doing and not realizing that three hours just went by). i am unsure of what, if anything, to do about it. so i'm going to furiously tread water until may and use the fact that there are no summer classes offered to consider 1) why i am feeling this way--is it simply burnout, or do i really not want to continue pursuing my master's? and 2) where i will go from there. BUT i still have to get B's in my classes. i am stressed.
work is ok, i think the fact that i'm working full time and taking two classes is partially leading to this burnout.
finances are treading water. i accidentally paid too much on my credit card this month and had to withdraw from savings to cover it--TWICE. and ewok's vet bill was more than i was prepared for so i basically exchanged a balance on one card for an increased balance on a different one. i have decided no more wine out in atlanta (7 bucks a glass on average is RIDICULOUS; i can just have my wine at home, at friend's houses, or in carrollton for a WHOLE lot cheaper) and only one meal out per week. one NON EXTRAVAGANT meal out per week, with an extravagant one (20-30) once a month. but we all know how i do with rules, even self-imposed ones.
i've also been eating shittily (unhealthily) and not drinking enough water and not getting enough sleep or exercise. i caught up a little on sleep while my sister and my cousin were here this weekend, but one of the nights i couldn't sleep, and then monday night before i had to come back to work and school for the week, i also couldn't sleep.
so basically, i've been bottling up all the stress and all the worry about is this REALLY what i want to be doing with my life and all the frustration of never having enough time, traffic, and occasional insomnia. tuesday afternoon on the way home from work, for the hour and twenty minutes it took me to go 12 miles, i cried. i'm sure i must've looked crazy to other commuters, but it was pretty much past the point of caring. i think knowing that when i got home i had to jump straight into doing my take-home midterm made it much, much worse. the crying helped a little--yesterday i felt calmer, if only because i was drained, but i'm feeling sort of like i did on tuesday again. the worst part is, i don't know how to make it any better in the short term.
dear god. i need to be ABLE to sleep, i desperately need to do laundry, i need to put new brakes on...and i do not have time for any of those right now. (another midterm next tuesday, visiting a sick friend friday, and bigod i'm going to have some freaking fun on saturday/sunday because i NEED to. but i might try to do that laundry, especially since i can't go to work/school naked).
good news, what little of it there is right now: my lease people will let me leave april 30th. and i'm drinking water. two bottles. right now. :)
trying to keep my head above water so i won't drown.
school is SERIOUSLY stressing me out. i don't enjoy it anymore. i no longer experience the state of "flow" when i do homework. ("flow" being the state of being totally engrossed in what i'm doing and not realizing that three hours just went by). i am unsure of what, if anything, to do about it. so i'm going to furiously tread water until may and use the fact that there are no summer classes offered to consider 1) why i am feeling this way--is it simply burnout, or do i really not want to continue pursuing my master's? and 2) where i will go from there. BUT i still have to get B's in my classes. i am stressed.
work is ok, i think the fact that i'm working full time and taking two classes is partially leading to this burnout.
finances are treading water. i accidentally paid too much on my credit card this month and had to withdraw from savings to cover it--TWICE. and ewok's vet bill was more than i was prepared for so i basically exchanged a balance on one card for an increased balance on a different one. i have decided no more wine out in atlanta (7 bucks a glass on average is RIDICULOUS; i can just have my wine at home, at friend's houses, or in carrollton for a WHOLE lot cheaper) and only one meal out per week. one NON EXTRAVAGANT meal out per week, with an extravagant one (20-30) once a month. but we all know how i do with rules, even self-imposed ones.
i've also been eating shittily (unhealthily) and not drinking enough water and not getting enough sleep or exercise. i caught up a little on sleep while my sister and my cousin were here this weekend, but one of the nights i couldn't sleep, and then monday night before i had to come back to work and school for the week, i also couldn't sleep.
so basically, i've been bottling up all the stress and all the worry about is this REALLY what i want to be doing with my life and all the frustration of never having enough time, traffic, and occasional insomnia. tuesday afternoon on the way home from work, for the hour and twenty minutes it took me to go 12 miles, i cried. i'm sure i must've looked crazy to other commuters, but it was pretty much past the point of caring. i think knowing that when i got home i had to jump straight into doing my take-home midterm made it much, much worse. the crying helped a little--yesterday i felt calmer, if only because i was drained, but i'm feeling sort of like i did on tuesday again. the worst part is, i don't know how to make it any better in the short term.
dear god. i need to be ABLE to sleep, i desperately need to do laundry, i need to put new brakes on...and i do not have time for any of those right now. (another midterm next tuesday, visiting a sick friend friday, and bigod i'm going to have some freaking fun on saturday/sunday because i NEED to. but i might try to do that laundry, especially since i can't go to work/school naked).
good news, what little of it there is right now: my lease people will let me leave april 30th. and i'm drinking water. two bottles. right now. :)
trying to keep my head above water so i won't drown.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
blecccchhhhhhh
reasons why today might not be the best day ever:
i feel stupid. i don't remember how to do parabolas and we have to make a mathCAD sheet that will calculate the location of our parabolically draped prestressing strands at 1/20th points on our beams. and at first glance, it looks like there are too many unknowns already, much less after we integrate to get the actual equation. :(
i also feel stupid because i can't/don't remember much of steel or concrete design from three years ago. sigh.
now our simplicity group is down to five people from its original eight. and like sally said, the adult part of me knows it's not personal (the reasons the others left) but the six-year-old inside is a little hurt. :(
I AM STRESSED. this is why i dislike school sometimes.
just had to vent. sigh. back to work.
oh yeah, and to top it all off i got an e-mail from HSBC (my online savings account people) saying my interest rate is now down to 3.8 percent. fucking economy.
i feel stupid. i don't remember how to do parabolas and we have to make a mathCAD sheet that will calculate the location of our parabolically draped prestressing strands at 1/20th points on our beams. and at first glance, it looks like there are too many unknowns already, much less after we integrate to get the actual equation. :(
i also feel stupid because i can't/don't remember much of steel or concrete design from three years ago. sigh.
now our simplicity group is down to five people from its original eight. and like sally said, the adult part of me knows it's not personal (the reasons the others left) but the six-year-old inside is a little hurt. :(
I AM STRESSED. this is why i dislike school sometimes.
just had to vent. sigh. back to work.
oh yeah, and to top it all off i got an e-mail from HSBC (my online savings account people) saying my interest rate is now down to 3.8 percent. fucking economy.
Friday, November 23, 2007
turmoil
i can't sleep. gah.
thoughts spinning and whirling and i'm wondering if i should pay attention to them.
thoughts spinning and whirling and i'm wondering if i should pay attention to them.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
totally random unorganized thoughts
i have to make four b's before one c won't get me a warning/probation. (maybe i'm freaking out unnecessarily since i only made one C in college, but still).
that would be easier if i were taking more than one or two classes at a time.
i could be done in a year if i quit work and got loans.
i don't want to be in debt. and i'm not sure i could get enough loans just to pay for my living (read: CAR PAYMENT, INSURANCE) costs.
they (tech) don't offer summer classes for grad school. which means my timeline is now more like four years if i keep doing it this way.
i don't even know if i want to be an engineer that badly. maybe i should have gotten an architecture masters (even though that would take three and a half to four years FULL TIME).
ugh. i hate not knowing. or in this case, being indecisive. i think i'm going to e-mail the loan person at tech.
other, non-school related thoughts:
in the fall, i always feel restless, like i want to pack up and move across the country; on the way home from work sometimes i want to keep driving for hours and hours and end up in a new city for a few days; like i'm trapped by my life. school, especially, is making me feel that way. what if i don't want to be in atlanta for the FOUR YEARS it will take me to finish this? (i know i said these weren't school related, but whatever).
i've been reading "the existential pleasures of engineering" and i find that i do still want to be an engineer, i think, but probably not in the traditional sense of the word, at least not forever. the book made the point that engineers should be more involved in political decision-making processes, because public opinion is generally not informed enough to support responsible change until there's a crisis (i.e. the air pollution in london for thousands of years--nothing done about it till one year it killed 4000 people. but the engineers had been trying to get something done about it for hundreds--from the background. also, the I-35 bridge collapse. engineers have been reporting (privately, to whoever requested the study) that many bridges are in dire condition, but fear of losing their jobs or inability to single-handedly inform enough of the public prevented anything from actually happening).
that was worded badly. but you get the point.
also, i'm having a bad-financial-outlook-month. i have to get new tires SOON, i have to pay car insurance in february, and i have to pay tuition in january. i was planning on taking two classes, but that's almost twice as much as one class due to the fact that with more than one class i then have to pay the athletic fee, the transportation fee, the exercise facility fee, whatever. all those damned fees for stuff I WON'T USE. (i'll probably use the exercise facility. but not as often as i should). so the tires are somewhere between $400 and $800 depending on how "autocross-y" i can afford them; insurance is either $450 for the initial of four payments or about $1200 for all six months; and tuition (for two classes) will be roughly $1600. i DO NOT have that much in savings, and while i will try to squirrel it away, it pretty much boils down to choosing between not paying off any of my credit card debt between now and then, and using my tuition reimbursement to basically pay it all off at the end of next semester (which is possible b/c my year of no interest doesn't run out till august) and hoping i can save enough in three months; or using my credit card (another one with no balance right now, but that will carry interest) for tires and tuition and racking up interest charges; or taking the loan i know i can get, just enough for tires and tuition plus a little and not having to pay it back for a while.
i'm actually thinking i may take out the max loan that i can for this semester (about $4000) and sticking the extra in my HSBC account just for peace of mind. i won't have to pay it back till i'm done with grad school (i think, have to check), and even though the interest on the loan is slightly higher than the interest i'll get from the savings account, the peace of mind might be worth it. because right now i'm about a paycheck away from disaster (without using credit cards, at least).
gonna e-mail the financial aid lady now to figure out how this loan thing works.
that would be easier if i were taking more than one or two classes at a time.
i could be done in a year if i quit work and got loans.
i don't want to be in debt. and i'm not sure i could get enough loans just to pay for my living (read: CAR PAYMENT, INSURANCE) costs.
they (tech) don't offer summer classes for grad school. which means my timeline is now more like four years if i keep doing it this way.
i don't even know if i want to be an engineer that badly. maybe i should have gotten an architecture masters (even though that would take three and a half to four years FULL TIME).
ugh. i hate not knowing. or in this case, being indecisive. i think i'm going to e-mail the loan person at tech.
other, non-school related thoughts:
in the fall, i always feel restless, like i want to pack up and move across the country; on the way home from work sometimes i want to keep driving for hours and hours and end up in a new city for a few days; like i'm trapped by my life. school, especially, is making me feel that way. what if i don't want to be in atlanta for the FOUR YEARS it will take me to finish this? (i know i said these weren't school related, but whatever).
i've been reading "the existential pleasures of engineering" and i find that i do still want to be an engineer, i think, but probably not in the traditional sense of the word, at least not forever. the book made the point that engineers should be more involved in political decision-making processes, because public opinion is generally not informed enough to support responsible change until there's a crisis (i.e. the air pollution in london for thousands of years--nothing done about it till one year it killed 4000 people. but the engineers had been trying to get something done about it for hundreds--from the background. also, the I-35 bridge collapse. engineers have been reporting (privately, to whoever requested the study) that many bridges are in dire condition, but fear of losing their jobs or inability to single-handedly inform enough of the public prevented anything from actually happening).
that was worded badly. but you get the point.
also, i'm having a bad-financial-outlook-month. i have to get new tires SOON, i have to pay car insurance in february, and i have to pay tuition in january. i was planning on taking two classes, but that's almost twice as much as one class due to the fact that with more than one class i then have to pay the athletic fee, the transportation fee, the exercise facility fee, whatever. all those damned fees for stuff I WON'T USE. (i'll probably use the exercise facility. but not as often as i should). so the tires are somewhere between $400 and $800 depending on how "autocross-y" i can afford them; insurance is either $450 for the initial of four payments or about $1200 for all six months; and tuition (for two classes) will be roughly $1600. i DO NOT have that much in savings, and while i will try to squirrel it away, it pretty much boils down to choosing between not paying off any of my credit card debt between now and then, and using my tuition reimbursement to basically pay it all off at the end of next semester (which is possible b/c my year of no interest doesn't run out till august) and hoping i can save enough in three months; or using my credit card (another one with no balance right now, but that will carry interest) for tires and tuition and racking up interest charges; or taking the loan i know i can get, just enough for tires and tuition plus a little and not having to pay it back for a while.
i'm actually thinking i may take out the max loan that i can for this semester (about $4000) and sticking the extra in my HSBC account just for peace of mind. i won't have to pay it back till i'm done with grad school (i think, have to check), and even though the interest on the loan is slightly higher than the interest i'll get from the savings account, the peace of mind might be worth it. because right now i'm about a paycheck away from disaster (without using credit cards, at least).
gonna e-mail the financial aid lady now to figure out how this loan thing works.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
rrrrrrrrr
somewhat dissatisfied with certain things right now. but as they say, why worry? change what you can, and what you can't, just tell it to fuck off...oh wait...that's not how it goes? shit....
i don't think i'm doing that well in school. i get my first test back tomorrow.
i could do better at my job. some days it's just SO BORING.
i still feel kinda crappy. and unfortunately, telling my sinus infection to fuck off didn't work. so i got antibiotics. :) hopefully they will work. i also got steroids, which have me all jacked up and are the reason I'M STILL AWAKE EVEN THOUGH IT'S PAST MY BEDTIME.
mom might have CMV again. :(
i miss caleb.
i don't think i'm doing that well in school. i get my first test back tomorrow.
i could do better at my job. some days it's just SO BORING.
i still feel kinda crappy. and unfortunately, telling my sinus infection to fuck off didn't work. so i got antibiotics. :) hopefully they will work. i also got steroids, which have me all jacked up and are the reason I'M STILL AWAKE EVEN THOUGH IT'S PAST MY BEDTIME.
mom might have CMV again. :(
i miss caleb.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
um...i'm not sure what the hell i've gotten myself into. i've already forgotten everything i knew in structural analysis I and i'm taking the second one AT GEORGIA TECH.
although, part of me is curious to see whether my belief about my major professor is true: his classes (and their difficulty) could stand with pride next to ANY georgia tech classes...AND he was a sarcastic (hilariously funny) ass. i'm going to miss him.
so a friend and i bet a dollar on the homework for this class: i'm betting it will be less than or equal to thompson's homework, he bet it would be more (quantity) and more difficult as well. so we shall see. (and note i'm not the one who only wanted to bet a dollar. i'd have bet ten).
however, i'm a little nervous. we have an "assessment" tomorrow (so the prof can find out how stupid we are?) during the last half of class AND IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE I HAD STRUCTURAL ANALYSIS I. so instead of looking over my old stuff i'm whining on here. makes sense, don't you think?
ok now i'm REALLY going to go study a little. just so i'm not THE DUMBEST person in the class.
although, part of me is curious to see whether my belief about my major professor is true: his classes (and their difficulty) could stand with pride next to ANY georgia tech classes...AND he was a sarcastic (hilariously funny) ass. i'm going to miss him.
so a friend and i bet a dollar on the homework for this class: i'm betting it will be less than or equal to thompson's homework, he bet it would be more (quantity) and more difficult as well. so we shall see. (and note i'm not the one who only wanted to bet a dollar. i'd have bet ten).
however, i'm a little nervous. we have an "assessment" tomorrow (so the prof can find out how stupid we are?) during the last half of class AND IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE I HAD STRUCTURAL ANALYSIS I. so instead of looking over my old stuff i'm whining on here. makes sense, don't you think?
ok now i'm REALLY going to go study a little. just so i'm not THE DUMBEST person in the class.
Monday, December 11, 2006
frustration
school sucks. this week sucks. i can't wait TO BE DONE.
still left to go:
project, due tomorrow at 12 pm
poster for above project, due same time
powerpoint for project, to be presented between 12 and 3 pm tomorrow
history final at 7 pm tomorrow
then, on thursday:
take home final for hydrology + four homework assignments, due 11 am
ten page paper for history, due 5 pm.
THEN i can go home and clean my house for all the people that are coming to see me graduate, assuming that i am still actually graduating... :/
but wednesday night, i'm taking a break. a much needed, long awaited, break. it will involve much fun and excitement; i can't wait...
i'm so close, but so far away...the light at the end of the tunnel gleams a little brighter, but still flickering as if it might go away.
i think i'm gonna sign up for a pottery class on tuesday nights from january to march...
ACK! i just remembered i have to send in my tech application like NOW.....well ok by the middle of the week. sigh. i wonder if i'll even get accepted.
holla.
still left to go:
project, due tomorrow at 12 pm
poster for above project, due same time
powerpoint for project, to be presented between 12 and 3 pm tomorrow
history final at 7 pm tomorrow
then, on thursday:
take home final for hydrology + four homework assignments, due 11 am
ten page paper for history, due 5 pm.
THEN i can go home and clean my house for all the people that are coming to see me graduate, assuming that i am still actually graduating... :/
but wednesday night, i'm taking a break. a much needed, long awaited, break. it will involve much fun and excitement; i can't wait...
i'm so close, but so far away...the light at the end of the tunnel gleams a little brighter, but still flickering as if it might go away.
i think i'm gonna sign up for a pottery class on tuesday nights from january to march...
ACK! i just remembered i have to send in my tech application like NOW.....well ok by the middle of the week. sigh. i wonder if i'll even get accepted.
holla.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
it grows and grows
my to do list, that is....here goes:
set up the ceremony for the Order of the Engineer, and convince all my friends that yes, this really is a good idea (somehow i think they might resent having a ceremony for only four people)...
grad school application: finish "statement of purpose." i suck at writing...especially when it comes to making something that straightforward and boring sound interesting. hopefully i will have some help with this... :)
e-mail the guy at DePalma's so we can all eat there after i graduate
five page paper for residential, due tomorrow
HVAC design for mom's lakehouse, due thursday
ten page paper for history, due ?
final FEA (finite element analysis) project
10 minute presentation for above project
36 by 24 poster for aforementioned project
final for FEA (as if a final project weren't enough) on READING DAY
final presentation for residential
final paper for residential
four homeworks for hydrology
take home final for hydrology
history final
somehow i think that sleeping and eating might be pushed to the back burner for a while, but at least now i have a comprehensive (and terrifying) list posted somewhere so i can refer back to it.
i want to shop for people's christmas presents. i love giving gifts. i also want to cook a lot. maybe in a couple weeks.
set up the ceremony for the Order of the Engineer, and convince all my friends that yes, this really is a good idea (somehow i think they might resent having a ceremony for only four people)...
grad school application: finish "statement of purpose." i suck at writing...especially when it comes to making something that straightforward and boring sound interesting. hopefully i will have some help with this... :)
e-mail the guy at DePalma's so we can all eat there after i graduate
five page paper for residential, due tomorrow
HVAC design for mom's lakehouse, due thursday
ten page paper for history, due ?
final FEA (finite element analysis) project
10 minute presentation for above project
36 by 24 poster for aforementioned project
final for FEA (as if a final project weren't enough) on READING DAY
final presentation for residential
final paper for residential
four homeworks for hydrology
take home final for hydrology
history final
somehow i think that sleeping and eating might be pushed to the back burner for a while, but at least now i have a comprehensive (and terrifying) list posted somewhere so i can refer back to it.
i want to shop for people's christmas presents. i love giving gifts. i also want to cook a lot. maybe in a couple weeks.
Monday, November 27, 2006
anxiety and fear and panic
visited mom again tonight. i think she's depressed; the fact that diabetes is a concern now is just the icing on the cake for her right now i think. and daddy's frustrated--all that time in the room is getting to him, as is mom's lack of desire to do anything. she's supposed to do ten laps around the hall each day, she's done three. she won't eat (she doesn't feel like it because hey guess what? there's not any fucking room in there!) and she couldn't poo, which made it even worse. daddy called me on the way home just to tell me she had FINALLY managed to poo. hopefully that will help her appetite and general overall feeling better too.
it's gonna be a long road. one which i am not sure of--already i feel like collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor; i can't eat, and sleeping is restless and dream-filled (and not in a good way). and somewhere, somehow i have to find the strength and desire and motivation to finish school and my grad school application. NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW. AT ALL.
i discovered on the way home tonight that if i just don't breathe, the panic doesn't come...short, squeaky gasps of air that are never enough and that accompany a terror so stark and so complete that i want to die. so i'm holding my breath a lot.
it's gonna be a long road. one which i am not sure of--already i feel like collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor; i can't eat, and sleeping is restless and dream-filled (and not in a good way). and somewhere, somehow i have to find the strength and desire and motivation to finish school and my grad school application. NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW. AT ALL.
i discovered on the way home tonight that if i just don't breathe, the panic doesn't come...short, squeaky gasps of air that are never enough and that accompany a terror so stark and so complete that i want to die. so i'm holding my breath a lot.
Monday, October 09, 2006
and i thought two weeks ago was bad
so this week i have a lot of stuff due, including an 8-10 page paper on the french/haitian revolutions and how they're related and what we can conclude from that. quite frankly, i could care less about how they're related and what i can conclude--i just want to graduate. something tells me my paper probably won't be the best in the class.
i'm also taking the GRE november 8th. and i probably need to study. sigh.
on a better note, my interview on friday went well (i think) and i'm REALLY hoping they give me an offer this friday (they said they'd call me in one week either way). so now i have to get into grad school at tech (!); find somewhere to live by the time i START grad school so i don't have to commute from c'ton, work, go to school, then commute home; and hope and pray they give me an offer.
i'm looking to live anywhere between c'ton and downtown (downtown would be a LOT easier but a LOT more expensive) in a cheap apartment WITHOUT a roommate. no more conflicts with my clutter and other people's various issues. i'll prolly try for graduate housing at tech, but i'm not sure i can do that if i'm not taking a full load of classes.
all this has to happen while accomplishing my schoolwork. i'm not sure what i was thinking, taking finite elements. in some ways i wish i hadn't, but in some ways it's pretty cool. i just wish our freaking computer lab was accessible 24-7 instead of puny hours and virtually none on weekends. maybe i'll start a petition. ;)
i'm also taking the GRE november 8th. and i probably need to study. sigh.
on a better note, my interview on friday went well (i think) and i'm REALLY hoping they give me an offer this friday (they said they'd call me in one week either way). so now i have to get into grad school at tech (!); find somewhere to live by the time i START grad school so i don't have to commute from c'ton, work, go to school, then commute home; and hope and pray they give me an offer.
i'm looking to live anywhere between c'ton and downtown (downtown would be a LOT easier but a LOT more expensive) in a cheap apartment WITHOUT a roommate. no more conflicts with my clutter and other people's various issues. i'll prolly try for graduate housing at tech, but i'm not sure i can do that if i'm not taking a full load of classes.
all this has to happen while accomplishing my schoolwork. i'm not sure what i was thinking, taking finite elements. in some ways i wish i hadn't, but in some ways it's pretty cool. i just wish our freaking computer lab was accessible 24-7 instead of puny hours and virtually none on weekends. maybe i'll start a petition. ;)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
getting back in the groove
i had almost let myself forget what it was like spending 12 hours a day at school and work. too bad i'm getting a harsh reminder these last few weeks, and there's no end in sight. :(
i have yet another interview friday (but this one's an exciting one). then i have lunch with ASCE (American Society of Civil Engineers) so i can network and find some structural engineers (a lot of them are members) who want to hire me. and pay me.
apparently, i'm worth a lot of money (of course, to me anything is a lot of money since i don't freaking make any, but this really IS a lot of money). who'd have thought??
i am freaking exhausted, and i have to be at driftmier at the ass crack of dawn so dr. thompson can help me with that stupid computer program. :/ then it's home tomorrow night, interview and lunch friday, unadilla friday, fair friday night or saturday or both, home sunday, back to athens sunday to spend lots of time in the computer lab.
going to bed now.
i have yet another interview friday (but this one's an exciting one). then i have lunch with ASCE (American Society of Civil Engineers) so i can network and find some structural engineers (a lot of them are members) who want to hire me. and pay me.
apparently, i'm worth a lot of money (of course, to me anything is a lot of money since i don't freaking make any, but this really IS a lot of money). who'd have thought??
i am freaking exhausted, and i have to be at driftmier at the ass crack of dawn so dr. thompson can help me with that stupid computer program. :/ then it's home tomorrow night, interview and lunch friday, unadilla friday, fair friday night or saturday or both, home sunday, back to athens sunday to spend lots of time in the computer lab.
going to bed now.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
holy jesus
that test was HORRIBLE. i feel like my brain just had explosive diarrhea and shat everything it ever knew about finite elements (useful or not) onto my test paper. did i mention he DIDN'T HAVE THE TEST DURING CLASS because the HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES WASN'T ENOUGH--WE REALLY NEEDED FOUR HOURS TO TAKE IT. from six to ten on a wednesday night. and he was fucking right. my hand hurts. and i'm still not done with residential load calculations that are due tomorrow at 12:30. sometimes engineering really pisses me off.
will this week never end??
i have another interview friday in stockbridge...i'm a little apprehensive though because the person i'm interviewing with's name is Rahim. i hope i can understand him, what with my crappy hearing abilities.
will this week never end??
i have another interview friday in stockbridge...i'm a little apprehensive though because the person i'm interviewing with's name is Rahim. i hope i can understand him, what with my crappy hearing abilities.
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