Musings on Clutter

A friend of mine just made her children get rid of all but a few dresses, a couple nightgowns, some books, and ONE stuffed animal. Just a few years ago, I probably would have thought, wow, how cruel. But the last year and a half or so I've been attempting to get more simplicity in our house and in my life, and now that I'm not in school anymore it has become something of a priority. I find the more I get rid of, the less it weighs on my mind, AND, as a bonus, I'm only left with the stuff I LOVE. (Which makes me want to take care of it, which means I am neater).

As a child, I too had WAY TOO MANY toys/stuffed animals/etc. I inherited all of my sister's toys and such since she was 5 years older, plus had my own given to me. There were probably 50 barbies, 100 stuffed animals, every character in Maple Town, etc. And I remember playing with a lot of it, true--BUT. I also remember feeling extremely depressed and overwhelmed anytime it was time to clean up. Nothing ever fit anywhere because there was always too much of it. My clothes drawers and closet were ALWAYS overflowing; underneath my bed was always full, my stuffed animal area overflowed onto the floor or was a GIANT pyramid...and I carried it through into adulthood. In college I had too many clothes to fit into a large walk-in closet, plus clothes in drawers and under my bed in storage boxes. I think this translated into a lifelong habit of clutter everywhere--mail on counters, books in the living room floor, clothes all over my bedroom floor, shoes everywhere in the house. Plus I was (am?) a health and beauty product junkie--4 kinds of shampoo, 3 kinds of gel, 10 lotions, etc. I finally decided I don't NEED that much stuff, especially since I only USE 2 shampoos, one conditioner, 1 gel, and 1 lotion. Duh. I cannot believe it took me 26 years to realize this. I still have to go through all the bathroom stuff, which I will do as we put the bathroom back together from Honey Darlin' building the recessed shelves in there.

And now, I have much less than I did then--and like it so much better. Too many choices tend to make me miserable. I'd still say that I have too much clothing, but at least it all fits in the closet/drawers now and everything has a place. And if I don't get healthier like I intend to within the next few months, I will get rid of the clothing that I kept that is currently too small. (It's conveniently separated from the rest of my clothing). And I WILL NOT feel guilty about getting rid of it--in this year-long purge, I've realized that for some reason, I feel guilty for not liking/wanting/wearing the stuff that I want to get rid of, which makes it even harder to get rid of it. How insane is that? Most of it got a lot of use and is still good stuff, it's just not ME anymore. I'm not sure if the guilt is money related (I spent money on that and don't even want it anymore) or what. Thoughts?

My friend, after doing the purge with her children, said that each child individually came up to her and said they liked it BETTER with so much less. If that's not confirmation I don't know what is. I applaud my friend for teaching her children something that it took me 26 years to teach myself. I am happier being less materialistic, having less STUFF, because that's not what really matters. Plus it's easier to keep clean. And a small wardrobe requires FAR less expenditure to keep up than a humongous one.

(I don't blame my mom for this...she isn't materialistic and doesn't have a lot of STUFF. However, my dad is a packrat and would keep everything if allowed. I think this is because HIS parents are materialistic and lived through the depression and so keep EVERYTHING. But my dad isn't materialistic, he just can't get rid of anything. I wish he read stuff like this. It would help him let STUFF go and keep my mom more sane, since she has to live with all his accumulated STUFF). However. I do think that one or both of my parents could have explained that stuff causes anxiety and guilt (for not taking care of it, having too much, not being able to clean it up because there's no more room for anything) and forced me to get rid of more as a kid...but my mom is sentimental, and that probably made her unable to force us to get rid of stuff if she loved it too (even if the love was in the past).

2010

2009 wasn't AWFUL...but it wasn't amazing either. I continued to suck on the spending too much front, our house had wet walls and some mold.

I did, however, graduate with my master's, which STILL feels wonderful. Especially since one of my co-workers is starting school this week and I DON'T HAVE TO. :)

So, 2009. It was what it was, and I probably won't miss it that much. Here's to 2010, and a year of golden opportunities. I have a lot of hopes, let's not say resolutions...I always fail miserably at those.

I'd like to become more self-aware, and use this to begin taking better care of myself. To be able to tell someone "No" for a social engagement if Caleb and I are just done. To be able to make myself a priority instead of school and other people first. To attempt to begin liking my body and caring for it rather than beating myself up about not exercising. Quantifiable goals: "check in" with myself weekly and see how the week went from a self-care perspective. Feel overstuffed after eating no more than once a week.

I'd like to be more adult about my spending decisions. My inner child wants everything and wants it now--but that is leading to no net change in my amount of debt or savings. I'd like the debt to go down and the savings to go UP. Plus, it's NEVER worth the stress when I indulge my inner child. Quantifiable goal: pay off $1000 in debt this year ($83.33 per month)

I'd like to slow down. We were gone for more than half our weekends last year, and that really sapped both of us of energy and happiness. We do love our families, and love seeing them, but cannot (and will not, this year) allow family time to be the detriment of "us" or alone time. Quantifiable goal: Be at home at least 2.5 weekends per month.

I'd like to pare down. I have way too many clothes still, even though I have fewer than I did last year. I want to keep things I love and that flatter me, and decide whether to store "skinny" clothes for an eventual future, or freecycle everything. Quantifiable goal: Have drawers no more than 2/3 full after I am done, have at least 1 inch of room for each hanger that I keep. (This might be preposterous)...

I'd like to make more effort to make our house feel like OURS--without spending more than $30 per month (about the cost of a gallon of paint). Quantifiable goal: One minor home improvement/decorating project per month.

I think that is enough. Now, to figure out how to TRACK the goals, lest they become buried in my blogroll and I forget.

Here's to hope for 2010 to rock my face off.

for god (or, you know, whoever) and the world to see

i read the simple dollar today, and decided that my "gazingus pin" is clothes...i splurge on clothes WAY more often than i should, and it's not good. i wondered exactly how much, so here goes...

the rationale behind the splurges usually goes something like this: "my work clothes are old...and unfashionable...and my office is pretty trendy...and you never know when you will or won't find stuff that you actually like...so i should get this now while i like something in the store!"

sigh.

i realized today while thinking over the "gazingus pin" idea that i have spent (brace yourself) $1,751.48 on clothes over the last 19 months. (not including the approximately 100 bucks still on my banana republic card, or any clothing that went onto credit cards the first half of last year. i can't remember if i had quit using the credit card at that point or not). Mostly at banana republic and target. dudes, that is 92.18 PER MONTH. a used car. part of an emergency fund or a down payment on a house. 44 meals out. EIGHT MONTHS of groceries. or, nearly a week of life energy. 146 hours. one hundred forty six hours of my life working to pay for CLOTHES.

oh my lord. i am disgusted and horrified at myself.

hey, at least i have lots of cute clothes (1751.48 dollars worth!) to wear for the next year while i DON'T BUY ANY FREAKING CLOTHES. grimace.

i am the most impatient person i know (aka FRUSTRATION)

but i'm trying. so hard. and i'm having a really hard time in general. sally's thoughts about self-care versus self-control seem key right now. but oh my lord.

if i were practicing self-care, i'd quit school.

if i were practicing self-care, i'd find a job at which i like the WORK as well as the people.

i'd sleep more.

i'd cook more, and get a dishwasher.

i'd read more.

i'd take time for ME instead of letting everything and everyone come first. i've been bad about this in the past; i suppose this is just a relapse. there's just soo much to do and no time. school is pretty much the bane of my existence right now. if i am being honest with myself, i hate it. i hate that i can't come home and do what i want in the evenings, i hate that my "success" depends on someone else's interpretation of what i do and someone else's rules, i hate that i feel like i've learned next to nothing new from undergrad, i hate that it has turned into nothing but an expensive piece of paper and a pay raise to me. basically, it's just a hassle. a royal pain in the ass. most of all, i HATE the CONSTANT, INCESSANT stress of homeworks hanging over my head that are stupid but time consuming. there's never EVER a break from the damned homework. i don't even think i can adequately express just how much it grates on me. but i feel like i have to finish because i'm okay at it and i want to be "successful" and i want to make more money eventually. what ever happened to interesting, new things learned? what is the point of a freaking master's degree if all it is is repetition of the same old SHIT that i have ALREADY DONE? new shit, please. yes, over here. k thanks.

also, i would REALLY like to not live in my apartment anymore, but i'm too stubborn to give up on a house. at some point i'll cave in one direction or another. or explode.

finances are a constant burden as well. i'm making progress, but it's so SLOW. so. slow. and my work STILL hasn't reimbursed the 50% of tuition from spring semester. and i have to pay fall tuition in a matter of weeks. i have (barely) enough saved for the full amount, but that would pretty much wipe out my emergency fund at this point. with them reimbursing enough to pay half, that would be a HUGE relief.

and i keep incrementally, slowly, gaining weight. this galls me. but with my insane schedule, shitty kitchen, and extreme lack of motivation, it's not going to get any better anytime soon.

i haven't been getting enough sleep the past two weeks. i think that has a lot to do with my attitude right now. i'm constantly tired and cranky but can't fucking go to sleep earlier because there's ________ that needs doing before i can go to sleep. (fill in blank with: homework, laundry, cooking, shopping--groceries and cat food, cleaning, errands, obligations, etc.)

oh yeah, and i got rear-ended thursday. ugh. i wish people would GTFA from my car.

i don't feel any better after having released all this. i just want to go cry. no end. it never freaking ends. i sense a good frustration-cry coming on.

drama

i dislike drama. i dislike drama to the point that sometimes i purposefully avoid any confrontation because of a possibility of drama. i'm working on that (the confrontation avoidal--and realizing that if i stay calm, usually the other person will too).

i have concluded, especially lately with repeated examples, that some people are drama factories. their friends and acquaintances constantly get mired in their ridiculous, often self-righteous or judgemental thoughts and actions and feelings, and eventually they will be friendless and alone (or just have shallow drama-factories for friends).

so lately i've been trying to decide what causes people to create or invent or thrive on drama. is it a feeling of insignificance? is it loneliness or lack of excitement in their lives? is it a holier than thou feeling which makes them feel like they have the right to tell others how to live?

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE READING THIS I'M MOST LIKELY NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU. The people I CHOOSE to keep in my life are purposefully NOT drama creators. And if i've ditched you specifically, it may not be on purpose. My life is a smidge busy at the moment.

i think part of my problem is BECAUSE i generally drop drama factory friends like hot potatoes, i don't have to experience it often (and it's usually third party drama when it happens) so it bothers me maybe more than most people.

also, my family (and most of my friends) growing up was always, ALWAYS very "real" with each other. i think that sense of being straight up about everything and sometimes even brutally honest, combined with being generally pretty comfortable with myself from a very early age made me see how truly ridiculous creating or participating in drama was. seriously, why bother? you'll just have high blood pressure and not be able to get along with people. it sucks the fun right out of life.

i think some examples and definitions are in order:

drama is:
-when you are unaccepting of other people and blow their differences out of proportion, thus creating an uproar.
-when you try to force the things that YOU would (or wouldn't) do on what other people SHOULD (or shouldn't) do, and cannot or will not stand in their shoes for a bit.
-when you have a life philosophy that doesn't have "live and let live" at its core, and you avoid anyone you consider "those people." (and since you can't avoid everyone your whole life, there will inevitably be drama caused). we're all human. remember that, and life will be better.
-when you approach relationships with friends, family, or anyone else from a controlling standpoint, or see their actions through the lense of fear and judgement rather than the lense of acceptance and love and humanity.
-absolutely, drama is a compulsive liar (a whole nother category, even). i HATE liars. i get this from my father, this rage when people lie. fortunately i don't have any liars for friends.

so anyway. i have been guilty of most of the above at random points in my life (except the compulsive liar part). i choose to not be that way, and it has made for a wonderful lack of drama in my life and i have forged relationships with people that i previously might have considered too "different" and that has made a HUGE difference in my life. it's now a fun life, full of people that i care about and who care about me, and who do not let the ridiculous shit get in the way of meaningful friendships and having fun.

so here's to you, my friends. i love you all. :)

Goals

i continually frustrate myself. i WANT to be healthier, i WANT to do better with saving money, and i WANT to have a clean/clutter free apartment.

i read an interesting article about willpower recently. i think it might have been on MSN. anyway, it said that people have a limited amount of willpower, and if one uses a lot of willpower for something, there is less leftover for other things. this makes sense to me, especially lately, as i use a lot of willpower for work and school and then feel like i have NOTHING left for finances and health.

the article also said that it is possible to gain more willpower with practice. i think, in a large part, that is what the past eight months (since i started simplicity) have been about: my struggles with how to allocate the willpower that i DO have, and practicing to gain more.

as a child, i was never the queen of willpower. monetarily speaking, in comparison with all my friends, i was well off due to having had a part time job that paid decently from the age of 13 on. so if i wanted something, i bought it. pretty much EVERYTHING i bought was an impulse buy. the high point of vacations was the shopping that could be done while there. my parents would often question whether i really needed something or not, and in my head, i'd scoff and think, "why does it matter? i have plenty of money!" HA. i should have listened. sigh.

i also never had much willpower in the food department. as a teenager, i'd regularly down entire cans of french onion dip (which, i noticed the other day, contains almost zero actual food) or whole canisters of honey roasted peanuts, or whole bags of cheese puffs (the bags were smaller than they are now, but STILL).

HOWEVER, over the last year, i have noticed small changes. i don't LIKE spending money very much anymore, and i ask myself if i need whatever it is, and if not, then i ask how much value it will honestly bring to my life. i still suck sometimes, but at least fifty percent of the time a useless purchase is avoided.

i miss how i felt when i exercised, also. but so far, that hasn't proven to be motivating enough. i'm working on the willpower thing though.

and the most important piece of news:
i joined a credit union at work the other day. (wednesday is when we had the little meeting and i filled out all the paperwork). so i get a call today (just now) from the loan lady at the credit union. i had told her about my car loan and wasn't really hoping for much, because the loan i have has a pretty low interest rate (4.9%), even if it is exceedingly long (6 years). so anyway, she called me TODAY, after getting all my account stuff in yesterday, and informs me that she can refinance my car loan with an interest rate of 4.75%, in MY NAME ONLY (my mom's on it because at the time i didn't have a real job), AND shave a year off the payments, for about the same money per month. that, people, is AMAZING. so i was all excited.

AND THEN. she can get me a credit card with at least 5% less interest than the ones i have, transfer all the balances, and then i can pay THAT off EVEN FASTER. she rocks my world. ROCKS. MY. WORLD.

so, i am looking at forseeably being out of all debt other than mortgage in as little as three years (less if i use what i pay on credit cards after i pay them off for extra on my car loan).

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is gonna be an AWESOME memorial day weekend. :)

digging out

things that are NOT OKAY with me right now:

my apartment is DISGUSTING. (well, other people would probably only notice the clutter, but to me it is BAD).

i NEED to do laundry.

i feel behind on school.

i'm stressed about work (more on that later).






things i will do this week to fix some stuff:

laundry.

read my prestressed concrete book and go over all the homeworks.

figure out which steel slides for class have been redone and organize my binder of them.

e-mail my boss about my work stress asking for help.

vacuum.



other thoughts:

this weekend was healing, emotionally, for me--lots of family and affection. my sick friend is feeling better and appears to be well taken care of (yay!) and i am so glad. and! i can't WAIT to be roomies! i didn't do any school work, but i'm ok with that. i needed a break. i'm not freaking out anymore. i am stubborn and it has served me well throughout school, and i freaking DECIDED that i would do well this semester and not let it stress me out anymore. which means no more procrastinating. done. zap. the switch is flipped.

i'll be doing my brakes next weekend, and budgeting for alignment and tire rotation/balance next month.

deeper thoughts:

sometimes i look back on the person i was upon leaving for college and the person i am now, and i wonder if the old me would even want to be friends with the new me...it's kind of funny (like haha funny). i think the old me would have been like, OMG, the big bad city!....organic food? is that like some crazy hippie thing?....subaru, what's that? and what is this autocross thing you speak of?....retirement?! i'm only freaking 18!!!.....

et cetera.

which brings me to the point. i feel (especially lately) that certain people in my life are there for a reason, to show me something about myself that needs improving, or open me up to new ways of thinking or whatever. i am so glad i found them. ALL of them. even when the lessons were painful, even when they told me things i didn't want to hear, but most especially when i know that someone has been through some of the things that i have and i'm not alone. also because even if that person is no longer in my life, or no longer in the capacity that i thought they'd be in my life, the lessons i've learned about myself stuck. they're here. i have evolved emotionally in several ways, but i would say the most important of those ways is regarding relationships and what i need and deserve from them, as well as what i can do to make them not all-consuming. basically i feel like i might possibly know how to achieve BALANCE now (with relationships. i still suck at balance with school/work/activities and shit. gimme a break. one thing at a time). yay!

friends are wonderful and amazing. i am soooo grateful that i have real, true, deep friendships, and many of them. without them i am certain i would not be in as good of shape as i am right now.

tonight's simplicity meeting made me realize some things. we were supposed to do a poster that visually represented our idea of a "rich" life. i did not make one. initially i told myself it was because i was so overwhelmed (which in truth was maybe 30% of the reason). later, i realized that it is also because some of the things i want for my own "rich" life are hard to admit, even to myself, much less to everyone else; and because my life is FAR, FAR from what i want it to look like someday.

so here goes nothing:

things that i want, but have a hard time admitting to ANYONE:
-a family.
-to live near (preferably ON) water, preferably the gulf.
-to be finished with school FOR GOOD.
-to have a job that i actually CARE about the things i work on. frankly, i don't care about cell phone towers. sure, they're sorta interesting, but as soon as i feel like i have it all figured out, i'll be bored. (should be another several months though, and i still REALLY like the people). not sure if that means being an engineer or not.
-to be able to take the time to make a really freaking awesome dinner every night if i wanted to, with lots of experimentation.
-to have as much vacation time as people get in europe. screw all this workaholic, no vacation, money money money american shit. it's ridiculous and draining, and i'd like more time to live my LIFE, thanks.
-a well designed (preferably by me) house that isn't too huge but is fucking AWESOME.

things that have to change so that these things can be possible:
-finish school
-get awesome job with decent pay and ample vacation time, or the ability to do it from home or far away, with minimal stress.
-move to beach/lake

and now, i need SLEEP.

we will see if any of this actually makes sense in the morning. haha.

more random thoughts from the annals of my brain

i totally used the line about slot cars today. i.e. "did it smell like slot cars?" (wrinkled nose)

**warning** i took nyquil fifteen minutes ago. just so you know, it could possibly get a little crazy soon.

i woke up this morning and my nose was funky. as in, it needed blowing, but the stuff that needed blowing was way back in the back and wouldn't come out when i blew it, but constantly "snags," if you will, when i breathe. anyone who gets sinus infections regularly should know exactly what i mean. it's that higher-up-than normal blob of snot that also makes your throat feel a little off and makes your ears stop up a little. the one that warns you, "i'm not fucking around. you better take some damned cold medicine OR ELSE." hence the nyquil. we shall see if it helps though, cause technically i should have taken claritin and sudafed and mucinex this morning when i first noticed it, according to the First Law of Amanda's Sinuses. (yes, you can mix those meds. just not nyquil with those. the only one you can take with nyquil is claritin. my dad's a pharmacist).

i have come to the conclusion that the only difference between teenage angst and twenties angst is awareness. when you're a teenager, hormones and inexperience allow you to be blind to the fact that you're angsty (most of the time) and you think it all really matters. god. but when you're in your twenties, you know there's no real reason to hate the world and be all emo and shit, but it happens anyway. and there's nothing you can do about it. i KNOW i need to take a chill pill, and i do have methods of self-calming, but sometimes? sometimes i WANT to be pissed off at all the stupid people/assholes/people whose philosophies are unlike mine because they are closed minded. alas, knowing why people piss me off doesn't help me not be pissed off.

oh god. i just sneezed. then i had to blow my nose, and it was semi-productive, but the way-back-there-blob just got bigger and more constrictive of my nasal passages. hurry up, nyquil.

i have decided to use mint.com to keep track of my finances. it's pretty cool, and the interface is much more user-friendly than wesabe. in my humble opinion, anyway. i got a pretty graph from it. (pie graph). and it tracks your spending in various areas month to month, so after a few months i'll actually be able to see progress or lack thereof ALL ON ONE SCREEN.

and! i realized i'll be getting a pretty substantial refund from federal taxes this year! all you people who are about to jump on my case for giving the government an interest-free loan, shut it. if i hadn't had this money taken out of my paycheck i probably would have spent it, not saved it, and this way, i'll get a big check and immediately stick most if not all of it in savings. i MIGHT allow myself a pedicure. and i need new tires (but that is a NOW need--and is a NEED--especially if it rains, so i might not be able to wait that long). however, the refund will be almost enough to pay tuition. grin. but my mom offered to lend me the money (interest free) and then when work reimburses me in may i can pay her back...which i am seriously considering doing (and giving her interest, at least as much as she would've earned had she put it in her money market account).

now that saving approximately 200 bucks on gas every month is a very real probability, i am practically giddy with excitement about how that means i can build up an emergency fund and pay off my credit card that much faster. :)

most blogs i have read say it takes about a year between wanting to live frugally and actually realizing the state of living frugally...if that is the case i've got about four to six months left...i hope it isn't that long. i can tell i think differently about spending money now though. grin.

it has been almost two weeks since i have purchased a meal at any type of restaurant. i am so proud of myself, and strangely, i have no desire to go out to eat to celebrate. go me!

and i think i will crochet scarves for the relevant people for christmas. if i do relatively skinny ones i think i can do enough. plus, who doesn't love a really great, soft scarf?