High and Dry

is apparently what my blog has been lately. So, let's catch up. I'm moving to Kentucky in two and a half weeks. CRAZY SHIT, Y'ALL.

I got a job as a mechanical integrity engineer (who even knew such a job existed?) at a plant in Calvert City. My cousin sent me the job description; I wasn't even looking for a job...but the description hooked me. It's sort of like forensic structural engineering, just on machinery and pressure vessels and stuff instead of on the actual structure. I'd have to USE MY BRAIN! YAY! I am so excited. It will be intensive training for a year or so, but hey, I was considering going back for a PhD anyway and I think this will be better and more practical. Oh. And there is a SIGNIFICANT pay increase, but that is not why I want this job.

Mama is pretty torn up about it (as I expected, and honestly I am too, but I'm also really really excited which helps me, and she doesn't have that) but she did say that she totally thought it was a wonderful opportunity and she is happy for me. But, yeah. She is so sad. :( I wish I didn't have to do this to her, or that she and my dad would move up there but that isn't realistic considering her other two kids live in GA still--and the grandkids.

More later, kind of keyed up right now.

Tumbleweeds

Hmmm...it appears that I have not posted in a while. Sorry bout the tumbleweeds, though I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog anyway. But it's for me, so I guess that isn't important. Maybe I'm apologizing to MYSELF about the tumbleweeds?

I've been taking belly dance classes and they rock my face off. Also, I apparently do not suck quite as badly as I thought and don't look spastic in class (usually). And I've not elbowed anyone, or busted my ass, or kicked a person/mirror/column. So I'm considering it a RESOUNDING success. Plus it's so much more fun than exercise for the sake of exercise.

I've decided to only take one belly dance class at a time though--it was starting to feel that I was laser focusing on THIS HOBBY and trying to be the valedictorian of belly dance, which is not really how I'd like to approach this whole hobby thing. The whole point of getting done with grad school was to NOT have laser focus for a while, to be able to try a whole bunch of new stuff.

So to that end, I'm signing up for knife skills 101 at the local Cook's Warehouse on June 17th. I will also be de-cluttering/organizing/painting our office/library (at my house) this weekend with my awesome sister's help. If we have time left we will organize the kitchen. Either this week or next, I'm going to build raised beds which will eventually house our vegetable garden.

Yay for time for projects!

2010

2009 wasn't AWFUL...but it wasn't amazing either. I continued to suck on the spending too much front, our house had wet walls and some mold.

I did, however, graduate with my master's, which STILL feels wonderful. Especially since one of my co-workers is starting school this week and I DON'T HAVE TO. :)

So, 2009. It was what it was, and I probably won't miss it that much. Here's to 2010, and a year of golden opportunities. I have a lot of hopes, let's not say resolutions...I always fail miserably at those.

I'd like to become more self-aware, and use this to begin taking better care of myself. To be able to tell someone "No" for a social engagement if Caleb and I are just done. To be able to make myself a priority instead of school and other people first. To attempt to begin liking my body and caring for it rather than beating myself up about not exercising. Quantifiable goals: "check in" with myself weekly and see how the week went from a self-care perspective. Feel overstuffed after eating no more than once a week.

I'd like to be more adult about my spending decisions. My inner child wants everything and wants it now--but that is leading to no net change in my amount of debt or savings. I'd like the debt to go down and the savings to go UP. Plus, it's NEVER worth the stress when I indulge my inner child. Quantifiable goal: pay off $1000 in debt this year ($83.33 per month)

I'd like to slow down. We were gone for more than half our weekends last year, and that really sapped both of us of energy and happiness. We do love our families, and love seeing them, but cannot (and will not, this year) allow family time to be the detriment of "us" or alone time. Quantifiable goal: Be at home at least 2.5 weekends per month.

I'd like to pare down. I have way too many clothes still, even though I have fewer than I did last year. I want to keep things I love and that flatter me, and decide whether to store "skinny" clothes for an eventual future, or freecycle everything. Quantifiable goal: Have drawers no more than 2/3 full after I am done, have at least 1 inch of room for each hanger that I keep. (This might be preposterous)...

I'd like to make more effort to make our house feel like OURS--without spending more than $30 per month (about the cost of a gallon of paint). Quantifiable goal: One minor home improvement/decorating project per month.

I think that is enough. Now, to figure out how to TRACK the goals, lest they become buried in my blogroll and I forget.

Here's to hope for 2010 to rock my face off.

Rut

I'm in a food rut. I need to find new (moderately priced) restaurants and try them instead of going to the same places all the time.

Ideas? I'm in Atlanta and will eat pretty much anything except olives and Taco Bell.

cross purposes

so i've been looking for a house for almost a year. the saga so far:

found a short sale. it was a little more than i wanted to pay for a house (180k), but i put in an offer anyway since i had 2 guaranteed roommates for a year. waited FOUR MONTHS for bank to approve it, seller went bankrupt before short sale approved. (in retrospect, thank god. that price was a bit too high).

found a brick ranch fixer upper a couple miles south of where i really wanted to be. 4 bed/2 bath for 45k, in decent shape. (that, to me, represents rock-bottom, or close to it, of the atlanta market). put in offer for asking. lost it to (presumably) an investor.

first short sale house came back on market as a foreclosure for a lower price. put in offer, above asking, but still not as much as before. the next day, the bank sends notice that we need to send highest and best offer because there are already SIX OFFERS...and it's only been on the multiple listing service (on the market) for less than 24 hours. go up to originally under-contract price (grudgingly). face the fact that i've probably just lost the first house i ever loved (insert sad music here), but also grateful that i'm not going to be spending that much money.

find another house, in the location that i want, for ~80k. needs a small amount of work or can do a more major renovation before move-in and have a freaking awesome space. either way, still will have <=140k in the house, which i am FAR more comfortable with than the 180k for the first house. put in offer for 85 (with 3k in closing to be paid by seller). receive notice that there will be multiple offers and need best and final. up it to 91,725 (with closing costs by seller) and hope.

that's where i am right now. this house feels right. there's an upstairs area that is currently two attic bedrooms (will become one bedroom, large closet, and large master bath). it feels like a little treehouse up there, so cute! and downstairs is a compact floor plan with 2 bedrooms and a bath, kitchen, dining room, living room, and back deck. all brick exterior, big yard with fence. feels very not-so-big-house-ish. big magnolia tree in front yard. on a street with well-taken care of houses in the location that i want, and very close to publix and the interstate. in short, i can see myself there for a good 10 to 15 years, as long as i don't accumulate a crapload of STUFF. which i plan on not doing. :)

also, within the area that i want to be, i am in one of the sub-areas that doesn't yet have the majority of homes rehabbed. so as an investment, i'm either one of the frontier people (and will therefore make more money when others follow) or i do it and no one follows (but there are a couple already rehabbed, so i'm pretty sure that won't happen). and i'd be okay either way, price wise and neighborhood wise. so all in all, i really hope the hunt is over. i will find out wednesday or so. cross your fingers!

the reason for the title of this post: i think my realtor and i have different purposes for this house. i see it as a space that i'm happy with, that i can be happy with for years to come, and that i can afford comfortably while still having enough room for a family. realtor sees it as an investment, and has in mind a certain amount that i need to make off this deal in order for it to be worthwhile. (the assumption, i think, is that i will want a bigger and therefore better and more expensive house in a few years and this "instant equity" is the way to do it, which is not entirely true. if i'm happy there, i'm staying, because then i can use extra money for travel and fun). this perspective, though, is good and bad...it's nice to have someone watching out for my equity, but at a point, i keep losing houses because if i offer above a certain amount, i don't make the "magic number" on it.

so for this one, i offered a little more than the realtor suggested, in the hopes that i might prevail. and while i'm giving up some instant equity, i'm not banking on the instant equity being there in the first place--it's just a home for me, a haven, at a price i am ok with and with the intention of living there for a long time. if i make money, great, if not, at least i have a really cute home that i love and want to live in!

all in all, i am very, very glad that my realtor is who he/she is. i trust this person implicitly because they are above all a friend (and i know there is commission to be made off me, but the person's main income isn't from homebuyers, they just do this because it is their passion to find people homes and make them instant equity--they are actually pushing me NOT to spend as much money). also, every action is explained, reasons are logical, and no question i have regarding the process, prices, reasoning, etc. is off limits with this person.

it's been an interesting year. i have gained A LOT from the process, though, because the process was somewhat atypical: we began by driving around many different neighborhoods in the area, and comparing what you can get for what price in what area. after several months of this, i was asked which neighborhoods were my favorites. my choices? cabbagetown, old fourth ward, and east atlanta village. two were out of my (self-imposed, not the bank's estimate) price range for amount of space and the condition that i desired, so that was easy. the most valuable part of the experience, though, to me, was learning the city. i know where most, if not all, of the neighborhoods in atlanta are. in more than half of them, i know which areas are safe versus not-so-safe, where the good food is (cause come on, y'all, good food is one of my top priorities in life), and the general feel of the residents. i fell in love with the city (cities in general, this one in particular), made a friend who is now among my closest friends, and learned a LOT about real estate. (never mind the fact that it has always fascinated me and secretly i've always wanted to be a realtor and interior designer). it also took (takes?) my mind off my somewhat depressing current apartment. AND, i like looking at houses even when i'm NOT going to buy one--sometimes when we were young, my family used to drive around on saturdays looking at houses (where i lived, they were generally left open for much of the construction process, allowing for us to wander in freely). it's great cheap entertainment, and good for when you actually do look at houses for real, because then you have an idea of floor plans/finishes/etc that you really like and think would flow well.

i love houses, homes, interior design, and making my space fit me and feel good. i also love helping other people express themselves through their spaces (helped my BFF decide on curtains for her classroom, and i think she will be really happy with them and enjoy them a lot!) here's to hoping i have that in my own life again soon. :)

Quote

"What would you attempt to do
if you knew you would not fail?"

(unknown)

caleb

it was my seventh-grade year, and it was cold outside. a few weeks prior, my mom had offhandedly--all too casually offhandedly--mentioned that one of the other teachers at her school had a son and that she thought we should talk. at the time i had rolled my eyes, but even in seventh grade, i took relationships seriously. i took everything seriously even though i rarely showed it.

so anyway. that cold day, we were getting various yearbook pictures for groups taken, and the academic team was called to have a picture taken. that was the first time i'd really met him. he and his (goofy) friend were behind me in the picture, and for some reason that picture took an ungodly amount of time to take. or maybe i was just experiencing time dilation. whatever. i attempted to flirt with him, but i couldn't really tell if he was interested.

eventually (toward the end of that year), i snared him. we "went out" for a few months. it was the first relationship that had any sort of physicality beyond hand holding for me (with the exception of a bad tonsil hockey experience that i don't care to remember). it was the first time there was anything beyond just like. it was a confusing, exciting, delicious, tingly feeling, this feeling that i'd never felt before. i decided i really liked caleb, and i really liked necking. (it was really making out, but i like the word 'necking' so much better. it sounds classier. as if seventh-graders needed to be classy).

my junior year in high school, the band went on a cruise to the bahamas. randomly one day before we left, he asked me if i'd be his date for "formal night" on the cruise. of COURSE i said yes. i don't really remember much about formal night, but i do remember being really excited before it, and the dreamlike feeling that surrounded it. the next day we spent the entire day on cocoa key together (him refusing to put on sunscreen and then getting burnt PURPLE) and were inseparable for about a week. then he left for college.

my senior year in high school, i received a letter. it was one of the nicest, most wonderful letters i'd ever gotten. i forgave, and again we were together. that was the first time i'd ever woken up next to anyone, and the feeling was indescribably wonderful. time went on and things were wonderful, then okay for a while, then started to slide downhill. thirteen months later, we fell apart...it was a difficult time for both of us~i was in athens in college and lonely, and he was in carrollton, unsure of what he wanted from life.

january of my sophomore year in college, we took the plunge yet again. (are you sensing a pattern here yet?) that time was the best so far, and he moved to athens in the fall. i spent that first year and a half in a state of bliss--but i failed to see that he was becoming withdrawn, quiet, depressed. he moved back to carrollton, and i was devastated. i struggled to forgive him and not panic, he struggled with not wanting a family but still loving me...three and a half years after that january, he said he didn't want a family. which automatically precluded having me. we couldn't let go, though, and were on and off for about another year. finally, i broke. i couldn't do it anymore. couldn't see him, couldn't be with him, couldn't speak to him. i needed the separation in order to not lose myself. i needed it to be able to let go and move on and figure out what the hell i wanted from my life. i struggled with thinking it had all been for nothing, struggled with letting go. eventually, i was down to breaking down only a couple times a month instead of a couple times a day. finally, i could go through whole days without thinking about it or him. i threw myself into my life--my friends, my work, my fun, and my school. i tried to date again.

then i got a text message that, though i didn't know it at the time, would be life-changing. he wanted to talk. i decided i could probably get through the conversation. i steeled myself, thinking, "i won't take him back." (yeah, i was a little conceited, sure that was what he wanted).

that tuesday night, february 19th, he came over. i was nervous; i kept my distance. he was on one end of the couch, i was on the other. i could see him gathering his will, thinking of how he wanted to start. he began, and talked, and talked and talked. two hours of the talking. this from the man who didn't talk much, didn't share himself, who possessed an impenetrable wall he'd spent years building up. i was stunned. utterly shocked. you see, the things that he said were things that, even after being friends with him and dating off and on for nine years, i'd never known. i could see the wall crumbling down, stone by stone, and the effort it was taking for him to do it. my heart went out to him. i wanted to hug him, wanted to make it easier for him. but i didn't know where he was going with it and so, wary, i stayed on my end of the couch.

the things he said explained a lot, and the background information filled in a lot of gaps and i finally understood, mostly, why he was the way he was. but the change in outlook, the things he now believed were important, the things he wanted out of life...they were things that, had they been choreographed, couldn't have been better suited to make me reconsider my adamant self warning. could i go another round? did i even want to? most of all, could i really believe him if i wanted to? i wasn't sure. i cried on his chest for a while, hugging him tightly. finally, i looked up and asked, "so what now?"

he shrugged. i was all, "well, what did you picture happening?"

he shrugged again, and made motions with his fingers that suggested he thought i'd be like, "okay, that's nice, see you around sometime." like i'd make him leave.

i thought about it. thought hard. wondered if i had it in me to give it a go. wondered if i should give him the benefit of the doubt yet again. considered whether it would be worth it even if we failed. thought that it might be worth it just to know what being a team, with his full participation, would be like. considered the fact that never, ever, had he shared that much of himself with anyone. ANYONE. i think that was what finally convinced me.

i took the plunge, told him we could try. again. and strangely, this time, it felt like i wasn't falling off the cliff alone. finally.

i still can't believe it sometimes, and it's been five months (has it really been five months? this pure bliss, it feels like it's been days, maybe weeks, but months? nah...) i look at him next to me in the car, and i pinch myself. i smile at him across the table, and his answering smile makes my heart thud. i ask a question, and his answer is in-depth, with a tone of voice that suggests no resentment for the question being asked. he doesn't guard his privacy like i'm trying to invade it...i think that was and is the biggest shock. in a good way. things that we do are OUR decisions now--we work as a team instead of at cross-purposes, we plan together. in short, i've got his back. and he has mine. and that is the greatest feeling in the world.

andrew caleb stephens, i love you.

yeah, yeah, yeah

i know. i disappeared.

school got the better of me. but i'm going on vacation today, so now i'll REALLY disappear for an ENTIRE WEEK! yay beach!

dear god, i need this. a week of sleep. a week of no stress. a week of no homework. a week of sunshine and sand and water and family.

leaving today after class (2:30 ish) and not coming back until NEXT saturday.

holla.

more on willpower

i'm feeling somewhat refreshed from my weekend away. my cats aren't grating on my nerves quite so much, and i have some renewed motivation as far as finances and health. school is treading water in my pool of willpower. so right now, i am okay with where i am.

this week i plan on starting to clean and pack my apartment, finish my two schoolwork assignments, and resume eating better (this weekend was bad as far as healthy eating, but definitely restorative. and although i ate a lot, for the most part it was seafood, which is healthy, right? never mind the butter to dip the crab in lol....)

i also have to get the documentation together for refinancing my car loan at a lower interest rate for less remaining time (yay!) and getting the lower interest credit card.

busy week. i'm feeling purposeful for a change, instead of unmotivated and slothish. :)

oh yeeeaaaahhhh

the hyatt in savannah (which, coincidentally, was cheaper than our other options, according to my mom) has an indoor pool. rock OUT.

my goals for the weekend:

sleep. a lot.
swim. in the mornings and possibly evenings too.
eat good food, and a praline or two from river street sweets. yum yum!!!
go to the beach one day. and eat crab shack for dinner that night.

um...but i need to pack first, and that means i need clean clothes, and i'm just not sure about that. lol.

random stuff

my favorite jeans are dead. they lasted almost four years though, and i wore them at least once a week, if not two or three times. so i would say they were totally worth the 50 or 60 bucks i paid for them, and i will never again complain about how expensive my favorite kind of jeans are, because they are the ONLY ones i've worn consistently since i found them.

frisbee and hiking are super fun--and i am super out of shape. i'm walking around like an arthritic 80 year old woman right now. today is the second day, though, so this is probably the worst.

my life is sorta steamrolling me right now. i realized i've come to the point where i either have to just suck it up and not procrastinate on schoolwork anymore, or give up. which, as we all know, is NOT an option because i'm too damned stubborn. so i will be working on my homework that is due friday TONIGHT instead of waiting till thursday at midnight, or worse, friday morning. also, i waste too much time on the internet. (and no, i do not have any work on my desk right now AGAIN, which sucks, so i am allowing myself to play online today, but i have to start doing homework after lunch if i still don't have work).

also, i need to get more sleep during the week. lately i've been staying up till 1 and 2 am on a weeknight and it's killing me. i caught up on sleep last night though; it was WONDERFUL. and i'm still allowing myself to stay up as late as i want on weekends. ;)

this month's goals:
1) to reach $1,000.00 in my baby emergency fund. this will happen automatically through direct deposit from my paycheck and automatic weekly transfers from my checking account. i am mucho excited.

2) use the "extra" paycheck i'll get this month (i get paid three times this month instead of the usual two because of the biweekly schedule) to pay off my tires, get new brake pads, fix my alignment, and pay down my remaining credit card debt.

3) exercise in some form at least 2x per week, whether it's a drop-in class or fun stuff on weekends.

4) eat more veggies. i love them and miss them. lol. also, cook more, because it's a lot easier to eat veggies when i cook them, since most restaurant meals are meat and potatoes based. (though i do love me some meat and potatoes. i'll get that at trivia so i don't feel deprived).

5) eat out less. i know i should quantify but if i quantify too much and then go over, i'll feel like i failed.

6) not let my apartment get so cluttered that it drives me nuts to be there. (unfortunately, it's already like that RIGHT NOW, but i'm scheduling cleaning time for tonight).

7) not leave dishes in the sink for more than 48 hours. I NEED A DISHWASHER at the next place i inhabit. sigh.

8) no internet/TV/snacking in bed. lately, because my apartment is all one room, i sit on my bed for pretty much everything and i think it's affecting me when i actually try to sleep there. so the couch is going to be my new best friend.

ok. i think that's enough for one month.

career fair in auburn tomorrow evening. should be interesting...

more random thoughts from the annals of my brain

i totally used the line about slot cars today. i.e. "did it smell like slot cars?" (wrinkled nose)

**warning** i took nyquil fifteen minutes ago. just so you know, it could possibly get a little crazy soon.

i woke up this morning and my nose was funky. as in, it needed blowing, but the stuff that needed blowing was way back in the back and wouldn't come out when i blew it, but constantly "snags," if you will, when i breathe. anyone who gets sinus infections regularly should know exactly what i mean. it's that higher-up-than normal blob of snot that also makes your throat feel a little off and makes your ears stop up a little. the one that warns you, "i'm not fucking around. you better take some damned cold medicine OR ELSE." hence the nyquil. we shall see if it helps though, cause technically i should have taken claritin and sudafed and mucinex this morning when i first noticed it, according to the First Law of Amanda's Sinuses. (yes, you can mix those meds. just not nyquil with those. the only one you can take with nyquil is claritin. my dad's a pharmacist).

i have come to the conclusion that the only difference between teenage angst and twenties angst is awareness. when you're a teenager, hormones and inexperience allow you to be blind to the fact that you're angsty (most of the time) and you think it all really matters. god. but when you're in your twenties, you know there's no real reason to hate the world and be all emo and shit, but it happens anyway. and there's nothing you can do about it. i KNOW i need to take a chill pill, and i do have methods of self-calming, but sometimes? sometimes i WANT to be pissed off at all the stupid people/assholes/people whose philosophies are unlike mine because they are closed minded. alas, knowing why people piss me off doesn't help me not be pissed off.

oh god. i just sneezed. then i had to blow my nose, and it was semi-productive, but the way-back-there-blob just got bigger and more constrictive of my nasal passages. hurry up, nyquil.

i have decided to use mint.com to keep track of my finances. it's pretty cool, and the interface is much more user-friendly than wesabe. in my humble opinion, anyway. i got a pretty graph from it. (pie graph). and it tracks your spending in various areas month to month, so after a few months i'll actually be able to see progress or lack thereof ALL ON ONE SCREEN.

and! i realized i'll be getting a pretty substantial refund from federal taxes this year! all you people who are about to jump on my case for giving the government an interest-free loan, shut it. if i hadn't had this money taken out of my paycheck i probably would have spent it, not saved it, and this way, i'll get a big check and immediately stick most if not all of it in savings. i MIGHT allow myself a pedicure. and i need new tires (but that is a NOW need--and is a NEED--especially if it rains, so i might not be able to wait that long). however, the refund will be almost enough to pay tuition. grin. but my mom offered to lend me the money (interest free) and then when work reimburses me in may i can pay her back...which i am seriously considering doing (and giving her interest, at least as much as she would've earned had she put it in her money market account).

now that saving approximately 200 bucks on gas every month is a very real probability, i am practically giddy with excitement about how that means i can build up an emergency fund and pay off my credit card that much faster. :)

most blogs i have read say it takes about a year between wanting to live frugally and actually realizing the state of living frugally...if that is the case i've got about four to six months left...i hope it isn't that long. i can tell i think differently about spending money now though. grin.

it has been almost two weeks since i have purchased a meal at any type of restaurant. i am so proud of myself, and strangely, i have no desire to go out to eat to celebrate. go me!

and i think i will crochet scarves for the relevant people for christmas. if i do relatively skinny ones i think i can do enough. plus, who doesn't love a really great, soft scarf?

totally random unorganized thoughts

i have to make four b's before one c won't get me a warning/probation. (maybe i'm freaking out unnecessarily since i only made one C in college, but still).

that would be easier if i were taking more than one or two classes at a time.

i could be done in a year if i quit work and got loans.

i don't want to be in debt. and i'm not sure i could get enough loans just to pay for my living (read: CAR PAYMENT, INSURANCE) costs.

they (tech) don't offer summer classes for grad school. which means my timeline is now more like four years if i keep doing it this way.

i don't even know if i want to be an engineer that badly. maybe i should have gotten an architecture masters (even though that would take three and a half to four years FULL TIME).

ugh. i hate not knowing. or in this case, being indecisive. i think i'm going to e-mail the loan person at tech.

other, non-school related thoughts:

in the fall, i always feel restless, like i want to pack up and move across the country; on the way home from work sometimes i want to keep driving for hours and hours and end up in a new city for a few days; like i'm trapped by my life. school, especially, is making me feel that way. what if i don't want to be in atlanta for the FOUR YEARS it will take me to finish this? (i know i said these weren't school related, but whatever).

i've been reading "the existential pleasures of engineering" and i find that i do still want to be an engineer, i think, but probably not in the traditional sense of the word, at least not forever. the book made the point that engineers should be more involved in political decision-making processes, because public opinion is generally not informed enough to support responsible change until there's a crisis (i.e. the air pollution in london for thousands of years--nothing done about it till one year it killed 4000 people. but the engineers had been trying to get something done about it for hundreds--from the background. also, the I-35 bridge collapse. engineers have been reporting (privately, to whoever requested the study) that many bridges are in dire condition, but fear of losing their jobs or inability to single-handedly inform enough of the public prevented anything from actually happening).

that was worded badly. but you get the point.

also, i'm having a bad-financial-outlook-month. i have to get new tires SOON, i have to pay car insurance in february, and i have to pay tuition in january. i was planning on taking two classes, but that's almost twice as much as one class due to the fact that with more than one class i then have to pay the athletic fee, the transportation fee, the exercise facility fee, whatever. all those damned fees for stuff I WON'T USE. (i'll probably use the exercise facility. but not as often as i should). so the tires are somewhere between $400 and $800 depending on how "autocross-y" i can afford them; insurance is either $450 for the initial of four payments or about $1200 for all six months; and tuition (for two classes) will be roughly $1600. i DO NOT have that much in savings, and while i will try to squirrel it away, it pretty much boils down to choosing between not paying off any of my credit card debt between now and then, and using my tuition reimbursement to basically pay it all off at the end of next semester (which is possible b/c my year of no interest doesn't run out till august) and hoping i can save enough in three months; or using my credit card (another one with no balance right now, but that will carry interest) for tires and tuition and racking up interest charges; or taking the loan i know i can get, just enough for tires and tuition plus a little and not having to pay it back for a while.

i'm actually thinking i may take out the max loan that i can for this semester (about $4000) and sticking the extra in my HSBC account just for peace of mind. i won't have to pay it back till i'm done with grad school (i think, have to check), and even though the interest on the loan is slightly higher than the interest i'll get from the savings account, the peace of mind might be worth it. because right now i'm about a paycheck away from disaster (without using credit cards, at least).

gonna e-mail the financial aid lady now to figure out how this loan thing works.

i think it's really gone

it's been a while since i had sunday night depression. in college, it was a regular occurence. usually on sundays (in college) i was just getting back to athens after coming home all weekend and i would be NOT looking forward to the week and missing my family and caleb.

i'm proud to say it has been almost a year since i had it, whatever IT was. i'm pretty ok with my life right now. sure, there are some things that i would like to be a little different, but overall it's pretty freaking good. we talked about perfect versus good tonight at simplicity and i think several of us felt like if we couldn't do it perfectly we failed (in this case we were discussing keeping track of money). i think i let this apply to too many things in my life instead of just being grateful for the goodness that did exist. i need to find a balance between striving to do everything perfectly and total complacency. either one would be bad. i feel like in some ways i am beginning to find that middle ground.

we also discussed the benefits/potential benefits of not forcing one's life to progress in a purely linear fashion (i.e. college, grad school, job, marriage, house, kids) but allowing space in life between things on that eventual progression. i think that really applied to me as well, because by having my entire life turned on its head in late april, it really forced me to examine my choices in a new light. did i really want the things i thought i did, or had i just assumed i did since i was a child and never again REALLY examined it? i know that sounded confusing. anyway, the point is, yes, eventually i want a family. but i have realized that i'm not ready for one anytime soon. i want to finish my master's and get a PE first off. then i am allowing myself to see the period beyond that as blank: i can move to colorado (or wherever), i can travel for a year, i can do whatever i want after that BUT I'M NOT GOING TO PLAN IT OUT RIGHT NOW, or even in the next year or two. i'm going to allow it to be deliciously hazy, purposefully unknown, and force myself to be okay with that, excited about it even. other things i realized are no longer self-evident truths for me: i don't care if i'm engaged before i live with someone. i think the benefits of finding out if you can live with someone outweigh my father's reaction (however, i won't be ADVERTISING this revelation to him)...i like cities or boonies but not suburbs...i love my family but i think i'd be ok living somewhere far away, at least for a few years...i might not want to stay at home with my kids--though i will probably want to work less while they're little...i want to be a saver, not a spender (i'm really working on this. hard. i think i will eventually do it but it will probably take a year or so before it becomes natural)...my family doesn't need to know anything about my love life unless i want them to--but on the other hand their opinions carry more weight than they once did, IF i decide to ask...i'm not sure i want a big wedding (or even a wedding at all) anymore. i've been to a lot of weddings in the past year and it just seems like a lot of drama, money, and stress for something that's supposed to be the happiest day of two people's lives. plus, the marriage is between the two people, not them and their families and 500 of their "best" friends. though family meshing is important, a wedding won't determine that...big expensive houses aren't worth it. i'd rather have a small house with a small payment with rooms that i use every INCH of--efficiently. if it's done right i won't feel cramped and there also won't be unused space. my apartment has definitely redefined "small" to me, and kitchens that are "small" to the general population now seem humongous, fraught with possibilities, full of potential to me. haha....i might want to live in my apartment for more than the one year because it's cheap, the location is great, it will allow me to save more for a house, i feel safe, and there's covered parking.

i think these are most of the revelations i've had recently. i'm sure there will be more.

sorry for the long post; i'm kinda cracked out on starbucks coffee (but i don't have a headache anymore! yay!)

in other news

i actually wrote down the list today:

within the US:

Alaska: just cause. You have to. And whales and stuff.
Seattle: coffee, kurt cobain, puget sound, mountains, outdoorsy stuff
SoCal: warm, beaches, totally different way of life, food
Michigan/Great Lakes: in the fall (early fall) to see leaves change, beaches, nature
Niagara Falls: just cause. You have to.
Yellowstone: ditto
Grand Canyon: ditto
Maine (by drive, up east coast): seafood along the way, eastern seaboard, nature and woods when you finally get to maine.
Colorado/Wyoming/Utah: skiing, horses, moutains, ranches, salt lake
Texas: gulf and west: gulf b/c galveston is such a pretty name and it's in that song, west b/c of contrast and the alamo
Arizona (to see at least one postcard-worthy desert sunset)
Bridger Bowl ski resort in Montana (cheaper, better skiiing)
Nebraska: to see nothing but grass as far as I can see
Northern California: to drive on the twisty roads and stare off cliffs into the ocean
ALL of the Florida Keys. by car.

outside the US:

Italy: food, mediterranean beaches, shopping
Germany/Poland/WWII places
Greece: to see all the stuff I learned about in art history
Egypt: to see the rest of the art history stuff
Mediterranean Cruise: mediterranean, cruises are awesome
Istanbul, Turkey: in the article for more affordable, beautiful
Prague, Czech Republic: in the article, beautiful
Bran, Romania: reminds me of those books I read, beautiful
Cuenca, Ecuador: exotic/warm, in that article
Buenos Aires, Argentina: new place, exotic, in the article
Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic: similar to bahamas, in the article, pretty
Ko Phi Phi Don, Thailand: food, beautiful, in the article
Australia/New Zealand: food, new, interesting
Fiji: beautiful, exotic, don't know much about it
Russia: architecture, food, people
China: great wall, food, shopping, historical religious stuff
Morocco/African island: exotic, food, people
Brazil: food, people, exotic, ancient ruins
Bahamas: beach. Food. Nuff said.
Prince Edward Island: cause it was in anne of green gables. i know. i'm a dork.

over the hump

my plan right now:
1) finish grad school, whether it's a master's or phd--either is fine with me. that is going to be my top priority for the next three years.
2) save lots of money, unless i go the phd route, which is looking less and less probable. saving of the money must occur so that i can have a decent house, a great car (note the priority lol), and never have to answer to anyone about how i spend my money (not that that has ever been an issue, but this is just insurance so it won't).
3) get the hell outta dodge, if you know what i mean. i think i'd like to try a couple of different places. some possibilities: chicago, colorado (for that dream job i posted on here a long time ago), maine (good seafood, not too many people, not so freaking hot), texas gulf coast (cause i like the beach and i'm thinking it's appropriately far), milwaukee cause i like the name, maybe florida...but i'm kinda familiar with it already so it doesn't have as much appeal. at least a small-to-medium city with CULTURE...or at least a lotta good non-chain restaurants.
4) probably come back to within a three hour drive of my family at some point; i'd miss them too much otherwise.

hopefully someday i will find someone to do these things with me and support me, but i refuse to make that all-consuming. ever. we see where that got me.

if i think about these things and only these things and don't allow other negative thoughts to intrude (at least 80% of the time anyway; it would be impossible 100%) i should be okay. eventually. maybe i'll try to get a job for the CIA. bigod if i'm gonna be alone, i might as well be dangerous as hell.

t-minus

five weeks, two and a half days.