my to do list, that is....here goes:
set up the ceremony for the Order of the Engineer, and convince all my friends that yes, this really is a good idea (somehow i think they might resent having a ceremony for only four people)...
grad school application: finish "statement of purpose." i suck at writing...especially when it comes to making something that straightforward and boring sound interesting. hopefully i will have some help with this... :)
e-mail the guy at DePalma's so we can all eat there after i graduate
five page paper for residential, due tomorrow
HVAC design for mom's lakehouse, due thursday
ten page paper for history, due ?
final FEA (finite element analysis) project
10 minute presentation for above project
36 by 24 poster for aforementioned project
final for FEA (as if a final project weren't enough) on READING DAY
final presentation for residential
final paper for residential
four homeworks for hydrology
take home final for hydrology
history final
somehow i think that sleeping and eating might be pushed to the back burner for a while, but at least now i have a comprehensive (and terrifying) list posted somewhere so i can refer back to it.
i want to shop for people's christmas presents. i love giving gifts. i also want to cook a lot. maybe in a couple weeks.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
anxiety and fear and panic
visited mom again tonight. i think she's depressed; the fact that diabetes is a concern now is just the icing on the cake for her right now i think. and daddy's frustrated--all that time in the room is getting to him, as is mom's lack of desire to do anything. she's supposed to do ten laps around the hall each day, she's done three. she won't eat (she doesn't feel like it because hey guess what? there's not any fucking room in there!) and she couldn't poo, which made it even worse. daddy called me on the way home just to tell me she had FINALLY managed to poo. hopefully that will help her appetite and general overall feeling better too.
it's gonna be a long road. one which i am not sure of--already i feel like collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor; i can't eat, and sleeping is restless and dream-filled (and not in a good way). and somewhere, somehow i have to find the strength and desire and motivation to finish school and my grad school application. NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW. AT ALL.
i discovered on the way home tonight that if i just don't breathe, the panic doesn't come...short, squeaky gasps of air that are never enough and that accompany a terror so stark and so complete that i want to die. so i'm holding my breath a lot.
it's gonna be a long road. one which i am not sure of--already i feel like collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor; i can't eat, and sleeping is restless and dream-filled (and not in a good way). and somewhere, somehow i have to find the strength and desire and motivation to finish school and my grad school application. NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW. AT ALL.
i discovered on the way home tonight that if i just don't breathe, the panic doesn't come...short, squeaky gasps of air that are never enough and that accompany a terror so stark and so complete that i want to die. so i'm holding my breath a lot.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
proceeding with trepidation.
mama got a transplant. on thanksgiving day! things are going to be rough for a few more days, but i think she's on the mend and the new kidney is working, just maybe not 100 percent yet. excited, and nervous....and really really happy and relieved. melissa and i came home and cleaned her house friday, but there's still so much to do...and i have so much schoolwork. i have faith that it will all work out though, which i can't say i had before, so that's good. life is so beautiful, and so precarious--but all the more beautiful because it's so precarious.
i don't have to work monday; today and tomorrow will be spent cleaning mom's house, getting necessities at wally world, and doing school work.
i don't have to work monday; today and tomorrow will be spent cleaning mom's house, getting necessities at wally world, and doing school work.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
thinking
these past few weeks have been hard. school is really stressful (i just finished a take home test that took approximately 40 hours to complete and i have two papers, a project, two finals, and a final paper due in the next three weeks). i also haven't gotten to spend much time with my family lately, which was more of a strain on me than i thought it would be. i've been finding it really hard to be optimistic--it's never taken effort before.
so in mulling things over, i think i am one of those people who defines her life by her relationships with others--the people i am really close to i devote a lot of time and effort to (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). but i think maybe i do it to the point of detriment. i feel really guilty if i lay my phone down for an hour and miss a call; i get really stressed out trying to balance time with people (i.e. how much time do i spend with mom vs. friends this weekend?) and when i'm with one person i feel guilty for not being with another or if i spend more time than i thought with mom i feel really bad about being late to see jennifer and lindsey or whatever. and i feel guilty if i spend the weekend in athens because i know mom wants me to come home....argh.
i realized last night that i used to do stuff alone, and enjoy it, but then i couldn't remember the last time i did something like that (except for the copious amounts of driving i did this weekend to relieve stress) or what, even, i used to do. i think i used to drive a lot...and shop sometimes (but without spending a lot of money because i never have any) and read and cook...but i feel like there was more, and i miss it, whatever it was. maybe video games? but that's a dangerous route for me because i'm the type to get addicted and play them for like 8 hours a day and then not get anything i need to get done, done.
i also feel like this whole thing of my relationships with others having such precedence in my life has made me more clingy and...maybe unwilling to find other things that i enjoy to occupy my time. i think part of that is because i feel like "well, i only have two days a week to be with family and friends and they deserve to see me and i need to make the most of it" but i usually just end up stressed out or running from one place to the other and spending the time i do have with people anxious about how much time is going by and who's next, or feeling guilty because i really want to stay wherever longer but i feel obligated to go home because mom is there by herself (the weekends that daddy has to work). i think this also contributed to the fact that i don't really feel vested in athens, i love it but it will never be home--i rarely spend weekends here. part of me might have liked to, but more of me would rather spend that time with my family. life is short.
wow, this was a much longer post than i planned, and much more rambling and unstructured than i planned. i think i need to think on this more and figure out how to balance the people in my life with my own happiness and time. i just feel like there's not enough time, and there never will be. maybe that's why i want to move home; then i won't feel like i have to cram it all into every weekend and i can actually see people four or five times a week--without sacrificing my "just for me" or "cleaning the house" or "reading in bed" time.
that is why i'm considering taking that job in austell. closer = more time with family/friends AND more time at home. IF they offer, IF i can deal with burning a bridge, IF i can live with myself...but i think ultimately i'd be more miserable if i didn't at least consider it--i don't really WANT to live on the other side of atlanta and continue only going home on weekends. home, for me, really is where the heart is, and that is with my family.
so in mulling things over, i think i am one of those people who defines her life by her relationships with others--the people i am really close to i devote a lot of time and effort to (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). but i think maybe i do it to the point of detriment. i feel really guilty if i lay my phone down for an hour and miss a call; i get really stressed out trying to balance time with people (i.e. how much time do i spend with mom vs. friends this weekend?) and when i'm with one person i feel guilty for not being with another or if i spend more time than i thought with mom i feel really bad about being late to see jennifer and lindsey or whatever. and i feel guilty if i spend the weekend in athens because i know mom wants me to come home....argh.
i realized last night that i used to do stuff alone, and enjoy it, but then i couldn't remember the last time i did something like that (except for the copious amounts of driving i did this weekend to relieve stress) or what, even, i used to do. i think i used to drive a lot...and shop sometimes (but without spending a lot of money because i never have any) and read and cook...but i feel like there was more, and i miss it, whatever it was. maybe video games? but that's a dangerous route for me because i'm the type to get addicted and play them for like 8 hours a day and then not get anything i need to get done, done.
i also feel like this whole thing of my relationships with others having such precedence in my life has made me more clingy and...maybe unwilling to find other things that i enjoy to occupy my time. i think part of that is because i feel like "well, i only have two days a week to be with family and friends and they deserve to see me and i need to make the most of it" but i usually just end up stressed out or running from one place to the other and spending the time i do have with people anxious about how much time is going by and who's next, or feeling guilty because i really want to stay wherever longer but i feel obligated to go home because mom is there by herself (the weekends that daddy has to work). i think this also contributed to the fact that i don't really feel vested in athens, i love it but it will never be home--i rarely spend weekends here. part of me might have liked to, but more of me would rather spend that time with my family. life is short.
wow, this was a much longer post than i planned, and much more rambling and unstructured than i planned. i think i need to think on this more and figure out how to balance the people in my life with my own happiness and time. i just feel like there's not enough time, and there never will be. maybe that's why i want to move home; then i won't feel like i have to cram it all into every weekend and i can actually see people four or five times a week--without sacrificing my "just for me" or "cleaning the house" or "reading in bed" time.
that is why i'm considering taking that job in austell. closer = more time with family/friends AND more time at home. IF they offer, IF i can deal with burning a bridge, IF i can live with myself...but i think ultimately i'd be more miserable if i didn't at least consider it--i don't really WANT to live on the other side of atlanta and continue only going home on weekends. home, for me, really is where the heart is, and that is with my family.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
wow
i can't believe it's already almost mid-november. t-minus five weeks and 11 hours and 20 minutes.
so i allowed myself to wallow in unmotivation/self pity this week, and overall it did me no good. i'm now behind (instead of able to get ahead) in my schoolwork. but bigod i really freaking needed a week of straight up not doing ANYTHING for school. it was GREAT, other than the fact that for most of it i wanted to hole up in my bed but i could not physically sleep for that long. so i spent a lot of time in my bed, but not necessarily sleeping. and other than the fact that now i'm stressed again. but hey, i work better under pressure, right?.......RIGHT?
in other news, i cleaned my house (ok, well, the kitchen, because it took FOUR HOURS) and now my kitchen and my hands smell like bleach, and i'm not afraid to put stuff on the counter now. (certain people in this household have a HUGE problem with crumbs--and they aren't me. but i have clutter issues, so i guess we're even). ewok's all lovey and drooley now because of the bleach. (is that normal for cats? no? i didn't think so, of course i would have the abnormal ones).
gotta be at work at eight tomorrow, which means i have to leave here at seven, and i haven't packed or finished laundry. it's gonna be a long night, and i'm gonna need lots of caffeine tomorrow. also tomorrow, i get to baby sit Delta, the freaking coolest ten month old i've ever met. she's INTENSE, and hilarious. you can definitely see the wheels turning already--i kinda feel sorry for her parents when she gets about eighteen or so.
then saturday, I GET TO HANG OUT WITH THE DREWS!!!! (i refuse to call it babysitting because a) they're really freaking cool and i'd hang out with them just for fun, b) they're too old to be "baby-sat" now and c) i'm more of a chauffer (sp?) slash friend anyway.
i wanted to go driving twice this week after work/school, but going driving sucks when you only have thirty minutes of daylight left. maybe i'll go on sunday morning.
i'm done for now. gotta pack and fold clothes.
so i allowed myself to wallow in unmotivation/self pity this week, and overall it did me no good. i'm now behind (instead of able to get ahead) in my schoolwork. but bigod i really freaking needed a week of straight up not doing ANYTHING for school. it was GREAT, other than the fact that for most of it i wanted to hole up in my bed but i could not physically sleep for that long. so i spent a lot of time in my bed, but not necessarily sleeping. and other than the fact that now i'm stressed again. but hey, i work better under pressure, right?.......RIGHT?
in other news, i cleaned my house (ok, well, the kitchen, because it took FOUR HOURS) and now my kitchen and my hands smell like bleach, and i'm not afraid to put stuff on the counter now. (certain people in this household have a HUGE problem with crumbs--and they aren't me. but i have clutter issues, so i guess we're even). ewok's all lovey and drooley now because of the bleach. (is that normal for cats? no? i didn't think so, of course i would have the abnormal ones).
gotta be at work at eight tomorrow, which means i have to leave here at seven, and i haven't packed or finished laundry. it's gonna be a long night, and i'm gonna need lots of caffeine tomorrow. also tomorrow, i get to baby sit Delta, the freaking coolest ten month old i've ever met. she's INTENSE, and hilarious. you can definitely see the wheels turning already--i kinda feel sorry for her parents when she gets about eighteen or so.
then saturday, I GET TO HANG OUT WITH THE DREWS!!!! (i refuse to call it babysitting because a) they're really freaking cool and i'd hang out with them just for fun, b) they're too old to be "baby-sat" now and c) i'm more of a chauffer (sp?) slash friend anyway.
i wanted to go driving twice this week after work/school, but going driving sucks when you only have thirty minutes of daylight left. maybe i'll go on sunday morning.
i'm done for now. gotta pack and fold clothes.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Friday, November 03, 2006
on the downhill side (hopefully)
this week was hell. i'm sick of school, sick of being in athens, sick of not having the people i love close to me. i've also been an emotional wreck, which didn't help any.
but today, today is going to be better. i will not think negative thoughts. i will not cry. i will go work for the new place and be excited about it, and then i will go home and see the people that i love, and it will all be a little better, a little brighter for that.
but today, today is going to be better. i will not think negative thoughts. i will not cry. i will go work for the new place and be excited about it, and then i will go home and see the people that i love, and it will all be a little better, a little brighter for that.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
layin' around
trying to work up motivation for schoolwork. i cleaned my house this weekend--i think it's time for me to live alone for a little while.
also, apparently narnia doesn't recognize ewok now because ewok went to the vet. my cat is such a colossal bitch sometimes, and unreasonable to boot. i threw her in the bathroom with her own litterbox, food, and water so she can think about what a bitch she's being. unfortunately i think she liked it. sigh.
anyone need a cat? i have a really cute, sweet one that narnia and ewok don't like much, but he's ok with them. he's not big on dogs though. his name's Link. i think they don't like him cause i originally thought he was a she, and introduced them all before he was neutered. THAT was interesting. then a couple months later i thought she (really he) had a humongous dingleberry and went to dislodge it from "her" fur and realized that wasn't a dingleberry. oops. in my defense, however, the vet didn't notice he was a he the first time i took "her" to the vet either, so i don't feel quite so stupid.
i addressed most of my graduation invitations yesterday. i have to call my mom and get the rest of the addresses today and mail them out. it still hasn't hit me that i'm graduating yet; still feels like i'm stuck in an endless cycle of ridiculous homework assignments that don't apply to the real world; still feels like i'm jumping through an endless array of hoops.
melissa (my sister) and i went house hunting yesterday, and that was a lot of fun, and actually made me a little bit excited. the last one we went to was really really cute, but i think i'm leaning more toward a townhouse. (i know it will be harder to resell, but that area should grow by leaps and bounds in the next four years--it's on the fringe of gwinnett county).
however, if i end up getting a house, this one was awesome. it's a split level, very well taken care of, beautiful yard, etc. the only things that might not be the best for me are:
-small closets
-not much storage in the bathroom cabinet
-no shower in the master bath, garden tub only, and only one sink (along with the teeny cabinet)
-small closets
-big yard, which might be difficult for me to keep up while i'm getting a master's degree and working.
-laundry closet, not room.
-really small bedrooms
(it sounds bad, with all those negatives--maybe it's not as awesome as i thought. i think it'd be better for a couple, or maybe a couple with one small child).
i guess i've got a while though; i don't start working full time until january, though i will be working part time for them on fridays until then.
also, apparently narnia doesn't recognize ewok now because ewok went to the vet. my cat is such a colossal bitch sometimes, and unreasonable to boot. i threw her in the bathroom with her own litterbox, food, and water so she can think about what a bitch she's being. unfortunately i think she liked it. sigh.
anyone need a cat? i have a really cute, sweet one that narnia and ewok don't like much, but he's ok with them. he's not big on dogs though. his name's Link. i think they don't like him cause i originally thought he was a she, and introduced them all before he was neutered. THAT was interesting. then a couple months later i thought she (really he) had a humongous dingleberry and went to dislodge it from "her" fur and realized that wasn't a dingleberry. oops. in my defense, however, the vet didn't notice he was a he the first time i took "her" to the vet either, so i don't feel quite so stupid.
i addressed most of my graduation invitations yesterday. i have to call my mom and get the rest of the addresses today and mail them out. it still hasn't hit me that i'm graduating yet; still feels like i'm stuck in an endless cycle of ridiculous homework assignments that don't apply to the real world; still feels like i'm jumping through an endless array of hoops.
melissa (my sister) and i went house hunting yesterday, and that was a lot of fun, and actually made me a little bit excited. the last one we went to was really really cute, but i think i'm leaning more toward a townhouse. (i know it will be harder to resell, but that area should grow by leaps and bounds in the next four years--it's on the fringe of gwinnett county).
however, if i end up getting a house, this one was awesome. it's a split level, very well taken care of, beautiful yard, etc. the only things that might not be the best for me are:
-small closets
-not much storage in the bathroom cabinet
-no shower in the master bath, garden tub only, and only one sink (along with the teeny cabinet)
-small closets
-big yard, which might be difficult for me to keep up while i'm getting a master's degree and working.
-laundry closet, not room.
-really small bedrooms
(it sounds bad, with all those negatives--maybe it's not as awesome as i thought. i think it'd be better for a couple, or maybe a couple with one small child).
i guess i've got a while though; i don't start working full time until january, though i will be working part time for them on fridays until then.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
excited
i took the deer head job. and i negotiated, and they came up to $26/hour instead of 25. :)
yay! i have a real job now!
...unfortunately this is gonna make it REALLY hard to concentrate on classes and do schoolwork. :/
now melissa's looking for me a house in Auburn. (GA)
yay! i have a real job now!
...unfortunately this is gonna make it REALLY hard to concentrate on classes and do schoolwork. :/
now melissa's looking for me a house in Auburn. (GA)
Monday, October 23, 2006
slightly bummed, but it's really ok
well. didn't get the job i really wanted (apparently they don't feel that uga's education is "sufficient" for the type of work they do). i'll show them--i'll get my master's degree, be really freaking smart, and then go to work for a competing company who freaking believes in my education. i'm sorry, but working my ass off for the last four and a half years to hear someone say that is worse than a slap in the face. crotchety old people. hmph.
now, in retrospect, it's ok. BECAUSE I'M GONNA MAKE AT LEAST 12,000 MORE PER YEAR THIS WAY. i just have to not live close to my family. for a while anyway. and not live close to tech, where i have to get my master's degree (but closer than athens, anyway).
so i told my sister to find me a little cute cheap house/townhome/condo somewhere between the perimeter and my work. and i have to send the deer head firm (now more of a loving moniker) a counteroffer and see if we can up the ante a little. more vacation would be great, since they only offer a week and everyone else offers two weeks...more on that later.
gotta go finish my paper for history.
now, in retrospect, it's ok. BECAUSE I'M GONNA MAKE AT LEAST 12,000 MORE PER YEAR THIS WAY. i just have to not live close to my family. for a while anyway. and not live close to tech, where i have to get my master's degree (but closer than athens, anyway).
so i told my sister to find me a little cute cheap house/townhome/condo somewhere between the perimeter and my work. and i have to send the deer head firm (now more of a loving moniker) a counteroffer and see if we can up the ante a little. more vacation would be great, since they only offer a week and everyone else offers two weeks...more on that later.
gotta go finish my paper for history.
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