Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Dream

I never told you about it, I don’t think. I was about twenty at the time—it was the most poignant, most significant dream I’ve ever had.

I dreamed about William Madoc. He was an adorable blonde child of about two, and we were on vacation—me, him, and you. Will and I were talking (in the typical way of mothers and their children—I was given an understanding of why moms do that—because their child is soooo interesting, sooo beautiful that they could listen to him talk for hours) and you were standing a little off to the side, looking at the horizon. I sensed your inner peace, contentment and happiness. I felt more right, more happy, and more peaceful than I have ever felt in my waking life.

You may think, ok, I was just delusional…and maybe I was. But the point of the dream, I think, was not the life that you and I had or could have had, though that part was not lost on me. It was to make me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that children and family are the single greatest things in life, beyond all our expectations. We expect them to be a hassle, expect them to cause hurt and heartache and just generally be a pain in the ass—and we are afraid of the responsibility of a little life being in our hands. What we fail to realize is the indestructibility and peace of having love and family. I can’t even describe the way I felt about this child, this part of us. It is a love I have never known with or for anyone. It was so strong I woke up knowing with certainty that THIS is the love that all of us should experience in our lives. I didn’t even know that it was possible to love another human being that much. I also realized how much more I could grow to love you throughout our lives. Upon waking, I knew that the meaning of life is not personal gain, power, money, or trying to figure out life and civilization and why they suck so much—they always have and always will and one person can’t change that. If someone constantly worries about those things, it only prevents him or her from enjoying the few things there are to enjoy in life and eventually leaves him/her utterly miserable, cynical, and jaded, with no belief in any of the good that lies in all of us. And most likely, alone and lonely. Sure, there are distractions: our hobbies, our vices, all the self-gratifying things we do in order to not think about the sad state of the world and humans in general. Those are just that—distractions. They don’t solve anything or erase the pain of society. But the point of life, to me, is to love and be loved. Because that is the most rewarding thing that any of us experience in our short time here, it causes no angst, and it makes the world at least a little brighter for at least a few people—those people at least knows that there is an oasis of love, acceptance, and comfort for them to come home to in the midst of all the insanity, injustice, pain, and anger that is human life and civilization. It’s more effective and personally uplifting to brighten up a little corner of the world for the people around you than to stew about the whole of civilization and realize that you cannot affect it at all, thereby becoming small and mean and lonely inside--but incapable of reaching out to anyone anymore.

I know that I can’t make you agree, can’t make you want the same things…but I can at least try to help you understand. You choose your destiny, you choose the ramifications of all your actions and I am not here to judge or change. Only to explain myself, the things I want, and why I want them. And maybe, just maybe, make you see why sometimes I seem flippant or unconcerned with the injustice and sorrow in the world. I see it, and I feel it, and I do what I can. But I don’t let it drive me crazy, or drive me away from others. Because that would be insanity.

In short, I think that morning I awoke with an understanding of what was truly important to me: being able to love and be loved with everything I’ve got in order to make the world a little brighter for everyone whose lives I manage to touch. It’s not taking on the world, but it’s the best I can do with what I’ve got. Loving someone else more than myself, more than my own mother, more than my significant other—even if it was just a dream—made me see what is really, truly important in my life. And made me want to experience that love. Because I KNOW I will be a better person for it. And if that…THAT…was only a dream…well, I want the reality.