Tuesday, July 29, 2008


"What would you attempt to do
if you knew you would not fail?"


Thursday, July 24, 2008

not the only one

who thinks that regular, expected parental handouts are cheesy...

When Should Parents Stop Paying the Rent?

note: this doesn't apply to people who LIVE with their parents and help out, and are doing so to get on their feet financially and whatnot. it's completely different to expect your parents to pay for your shopping sprees or rent for a(n) (much fancier than you could or would afford alone) apartment so that you can go out all the time and blow your own money on whatever you want.

Financial Frustrations

I've been using Mint.com for almost a year, and it's been great--UNTIL today, when I noticed that nearly ALL of my transactions from when I began using it (last October) up until recently (April) are duplicated at least once, sometimes twice. Apparently, Mint would download transactions from my Suntrust account, INCLUDING the pending ones that just showed up as Check Card Transaction or ATM Withdrawal (whether it was actually ATM or not, which it usually isn't b/c I rarely use cash). Then, AFTER they weren't pending anymore, it would download them AGAIN with the real merchant name and category. I can't really figure out how to fix this, especially since sometimes when I click to "exclude from Mint" it doesn't actually exclude it. Not to mention that it is a royal pain in the ASS to look for all the restaurant charges that pended as one amount, then pended as another amount (bill plus tip) then finally went through with the tip amount.

I'm thinking about cancelling, because I keep track of all my expenditures/earnings in excel anyway, and who needs fancy charts and graphs if they're WRONG? I guess it might still be good as far as tracking your daily balances on credit cards/investment accounts/savings/checking/loans, but i can just go to their websites to do that.

What's the point of an "easy" software if it's actually more of a pain in my ass than manually entering everything into excel?? Geez. GAH.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

i am the most impatient person i know (aka FRUSTRATION)

but i'm trying. so hard. and i'm having a really hard time in general. sally's thoughts about self-care versus self-control seem key right now. but oh my lord.

if i were practicing self-care, i'd quit school.

if i were practicing self-care, i'd find a job at which i like the WORK as well as the people.

i'd sleep more.

i'd cook more, and get a dishwasher.

i'd read more.

i'd take time for ME instead of letting everything and everyone come first. i've been bad about this in the past; i suppose this is just a relapse. there's just soo much to do and no time. school is pretty much the bane of my existence right now. if i am being honest with myself, i hate it. i hate that i can't come home and do what i want in the evenings, i hate that my "success" depends on someone else's interpretation of what i do and someone else's rules, i hate that i feel like i've learned next to nothing new from undergrad, i hate that it has turned into nothing but an expensive piece of paper and a pay raise to me. basically, it's just a hassle. a royal pain in the ass. most of all, i HATE the CONSTANT, INCESSANT stress of homeworks hanging over my head that are stupid but time consuming. there's never EVER a break from the damned homework. i don't even think i can adequately express just how much it grates on me. but i feel like i have to finish because i'm okay at it and i want to be "successful" and i want to make more money eventually. what ever happened to interesting, new things learned? what is the point of a freaking master's degree if all it is is repetition of the same old SHIT that i have ALREADY DONE? new shit, please. yes, over here. k thanks.

also, i would REALLY like to not live in my apartment anymore, but i'm too stubborn to give up on a house. at some point i'll cave in one direction or another. or explode.

finances are a constant burden as well. i'm making progress, but it's so SLOW. so. slow. and my work STILL hasn't reimbursed the 50% of tuition from spring semester. and i have to pay fall tuition in a matter of weeks. i have (barely) enough saved for the full amount, but that would pretty much wipe out my emergency fund at this point. with them reimbursing enough to pay half, that would be a HUGE relief.

and i keep incrementally, slowly, gaining weight. this galls me. but with my insane schedule, shitty kitchen, and extreme lack of motivation, it's not going to get any better anytime soon.

i haven't been getting enough sleep the past two weeks. i think that has a lot to do with my attitude right now. i'm constantly tired and cranky but can't fucking go to sleep earlier because there's ________ that needs doing before i can go to sleep. (fill in blank with: homework, laundry, cooking, shopping--groceries and cat food, cleaning, errands, obligations, etc.)

oh yeah, and i got rear-ended thursday. ugh. i wish people would GTFA from my car.

i don't feel any better after having released all this. i just want to go cry. no end. it never freaking ends. i sense a good frustration-cry coming on.

Monday, July 14, 2008


it was my seventh-grade year, and it was cold outside. a few weeks prior, my mom had offhandedly--all too casually offhandedly--mentioned that one of the other teachers at her school had a son and that she thought we should talk. at the time i had rolled my eyes, but even in seventh grade, i took relationships seriously. i took everything seriously even though i rarely showed it.

so anyway. that cold day, we were getting various yearbook pictures for groups taken, and the academic team was called to have a picture taken. that was the first time i'd really met him. he and his (goofy) friend were behind me in the picture, and for some reason that picture took an ungodly amount of time to take. or maybe i was just experiencing time dilation. whatever. i attempted to flirt with him, but i couldn't really tell if he was interested.

eventually (toward the end of that year), i snared him. we "went out" for a few months. it was the first relationship that had any sort of physicality beyond hand holding for me (with the exception of a bad tonsil hockey experience that i don't care to remember). it was the first time there was anything beyond just like. it was a confusing, exciting, delicious, tingly feeling, this feeling that i'd never felt before. i decided i really liked caleb, and i really liked necking. (it was really making out, but i like the word 'necking' so much better. it sounds classier. as if seventh-graders needed to be classy).

my junior year in high school, the band went on a cruise to the bahamas. randomly one day before we left, he asked me if i'd be his date for "formal night" on the cruise. of COURSE i said yes. i don't really remember much about formal night, but i do remember being really excited before it, and the dreamlike feeling that surrounded it. the next day we spent the entire day on cocoa key together (him refusing to put on sunscreen and then getting burnt PURPLE) and were inseparable for about a week. then he left for college.

my senior year in high school, i received a letter. it was one of the nicest, most wonderful letters i'd ever gotten. i forgave, and again we were together. that was the first time i'd ever woken up next to anyone, and the feeling was indescribably wonderful. time went on and things were wonderful, then okay for a while, then started to slide downhill. thirteen months later, we fell apart...it was a difficult time for both of us~i was in athens in college and lonely, and he was in carrollton, unsure of what he wanted from life.

january of my sophomore year in college, we took the plunge yet again. (are you sensing a pattern here yet?) that time was the best so far, and he moved to athens in the fall. i spent that first year and a half in a state of bliss--but i failed to see that he was becoming withdrawn, quiet, depressed. he moved back to carrollton, and i was devastated. i struggled to forgive him and not panic, he struggled with not wanting a family but still loving me...three and a half years after that january, he said he didn't want a family. which automatically precluded having me. we couldn't let go, though, and were on and off for about another year. finally, i broke. i couldn't do it anymore. couldn't see him, couldn't be with him, couldn't speak to him. i needed the separation in order to not lose myself. i needed it to be able to let go and move on and figure out what the hell i wanted from my life. i struggled with thinking it had all been for nothing, struggled with letting go. eventually, i was down to breaking down only a couple times a month instead of a couple times a day. finally, i could go through whole days without thinking about it or him. i threw myself into my life--my friends, my work, my fun, and my school. i tried to date again.

then i got a text message that, though i didn't know it at the time, would be life-changing. he wanted to talk. i decided i could probably get through the conversation. i steeled myself, thinking, "i won't take him back." (yeah, i was a little conceited, sure that was what he wanted).

that tuesday night, february 19th, he came over. i was nervous; i kept my distance. he was on one end of the couch, i was on the other. i could see him gathering his will, thinking of how he wanted to start. he began, and talked, and talked and talked. two hours of the talking. this from the man who didn't talk much, didn't share himself, who possessed an impenetrable wall he'd spent years building up. i was stunned. utterly shocked. you see, the things that he said were things that, even after being friends with him and dating off and on for nine years, i'd never known. i could see the wall crumbling down, stone by stone, and the effort it was taking for him to do it. my heart went out to him. i wanted to hug him, wanted to make it easier for him. but i didn't know where he was going with it and so, wary, i stayed on my end of the couch.

the things he said explained a lot, and the background information filled in a lot of gaps and i finally understood, mostly, why he was the way he was. but the change in outlook, the things he now believed were important, the things he wanted out of life...they were things that, had they been choreographed, couldn't have been better suited to make me reconsider my adamant self warning. could i go another round? did i even want to? most of all, could i really believe him if i wanted to? i wasn't sure. i cried on his chest for a while, hugging him tightly. finally, i looked up and asked, "so what now?"

he shrugged. i was all, "well, what did you picture happening?"

he shrugged again, and made motions with his fingers that suggested he thought i'd be like, "okay, that's nice, see you around sometime." like i'd make him leave.

i thought about it. thought hard. wondered if i had it in me to give it a go. wondered if i should give him the benefit of the doubt yet again. considered whether it would be worth it even if we failed. thought that it might be worth it just to know what being a team, with his full participation, would be like. considered the fact that never, ever, had he shared that much of himself with anyone. ANYONE. i think that was what finally convinced me.

i took the plunge, told him we could try. again. and strangely, this time, it felt like i wasn't falling off the cliff alone. finally.

i still can't believe it sometimes, and it's been five months (has it really been five months? this pure bliss, it feels like it's been days, maybe weeks, but months? nah...) i look at him next to me in the car, and i pinch myself. i smile at him across the table, and his answering smile makes my heart thud. i ask a question, and his answer is in-depth, with a tone of voice that suggests no resentment for the question being asked. he doesn't guard his privacy like i'm trying to invade it...i think that was and is the biggest shock. in a good way. things that we do are OUR decisions now--we work as a team instead of at cross-purposes, we plan together. in short, i've got his back. and he has mine. and that is the greatest feeling in the world.

andrew caleb stephens, i love you.