I suck, and last week

Overstuffed, hell, I don't know, I can't remember that far back. Yes. At least once.

Spendy. Yes. We went to visit a friend this weekend. Friend just had a baby 8 wks ago and wanted to go shopping. I am the world's worst at not giving in to temptation, so I bought stuff I shouldn't have. (With a credit card! ACK! Because we don't have any money!)

Self-care. Ok I guess, except for I've been stressing about money because I SUCK. But we'll get to that in a minute.

What else am I supposed to be tracking again? (Consulting the list)....

Socially balanced? It was pretty good. We had people over Wed and Thurs but somehow when it's people at my house it's much easier for me socially than going OUT. Plus it's actually cheaper. (Chili one night, chicken another from the freezer).

Weekly project...not even sure what it was supposed to be, so no, nothing got done.

Monthly project, going, I guess. We haven't been home weekends though and I can definitely tell. Plus we are broke...which leads me to WHY I SUCK.


So...remember when I went shopping a couple weeks ago? And I may or may not have mentioned that I've been shopping a lot more often for a few months...well. Last week I finally did the budget for January and realized that I'd spent money we didn't have. So I initiated a transfer from our online savings account and was done. Or so I thought. But since the transfers take so fucking long, it didn't come through in time. And the situation spiraled, because automatic bills came out (like the $20 toll card charge that happens when the card is getting low, which is really difficult to predict), causing NSF fees all over the place. Since Friday I've been IN THE NEGATIVE (this has NEVER happened before, so please understand the shame I'm feeling right now, and the stomach-in-knots feeling, and the stress), and because things keep hitting, I keep getting NSF fees and the transfer from the online savings isn't enough, and OMG. And hubby has the ATM card for the online account (don't worry, I already told him I fucked up) and I keep meaning to get it and hurry up and put money in, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am up to $216 in NSF fees. OMG. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I cannot adequately express how this makes me feel (nauseated, ashamed, sick of not having enough money, etc).

So. I set up a new budget, with more categories (I had an "other" column in the other budget and that, I think, has contributed to my slip ups). I factored in things like car insurance and car tags and all those semi-annual to annual expenses...and discovered that I ACTUALLY DO NOT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY FOR EVERYTHING. Before, somehow, I was either afraid to find out (because I had a sneaking suspicion that I might not actually make enough) or just assumed we were ok since I didn't have to pay tuition anymore. So no more "other" for a while. If ever.

AND Bea (the puppy) was limping on her back leg last week. It improved marginally throughout the week, and she stayed with a friend this past weekend. At friend's house, she went underneath the back deck (she likes it under there and has always done that when she's over there)...and came back in and wouldn't put ANY weight on that back leg. So I took her to the vet yesterday. And it's likely her ACL torn and will likely require a $2000 surgery to fix. Yes, we should have gotten pet insurance. And the vet said since this one is blown it's likely only a matter of time until the other one blows, so start saving. I wanted to throw up. We are supposed to keep her on STRICT bed rest for 8 days and if it's not fully functional by then, we get to go to the orthopedist to schedule surgery. Poor puppy. And how the F are we going to pay for that???? Ugh.

So I'm applying for part time jobs that I can do at night and on weekends, at least until hubby can get a part time job. And I am thoroughly chagrined. And I do not want to live like this anymore. I never want to feel this way when I look at my online account again. Just thinking about it makes me sweat.

I'll keep you posted. I think this may be the "rock bottom" for me that all the financial people keep talking about. Enough is enough. No more extra anything for us until we have paid off all our debt. I AM DONE.