Tuesday, January 17, 2012

don't speak

i think i thought if i left you alone it wouldn't hurt you so much.

i think i feel so guilty, and mean, and horrible that talking to you about it would make it worse. for both of us.

i know i will always love you, and always feel like a terrible person for not being able to make it work.

i miss you horribly, though i still can't be married to you. i dreamed i saw you last night, and told you that my life would be empty without you in it. and it is.

i found your journal again after all these years. i cried when i saw your post from august 15th. i thought about you the day after that, and wondered if it was still the best day of your life. i am glad that you still feel that way; i do, too. but who am i kidding? i think about you every day, and feel guilty and ashamed every day, and hope that you are okay every day. but especially that day, and thanksgiving and christmas.

but i had to leave. it came down to a choice between leaving then, while you still loved me and i still loved you, or leaving under very different circumstances in ten years after we'd had kids and i'd cheated on you. i am ashamed that i couldn't be a better person than that. i am ashamed to say that that is what it would have come to.

i am not ashamed to say that i WILL NOT, would not do that do you. and however much you hate me now, however terrible of a person you think i am (and i probably agree with you), at least i did not do that to you again.

i am so sorry. i will continue to be sorry until the day i die.

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