visited mom again tonight. i think she's depressed; the fact that diabetes is a concern now is just the icing on the cake for her right now i think. and daddy's frustrated--all that time in the room is getting to him, as is mom's lack of desire to do anything. she's supposed to do ten laps around the hall each day, she's done three. she won't eat (she doesn't feel like it because hey guess what? there's not any fucking room in there!) and she couldn't poo, which made it even worse. daddy called me on the way home just to tell me she had FINALLY managed to poo. hopefully that will help her appetite and general overall feeling better too.
it's gonna be a long road. one which i am not sure of--already i feel like collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor; i can't eat, and sleeping is restless and dream-filled (and not in a good way). and somewhere, somehow i have to find the strength and desire and motivation to finish school and my grad school application. NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW. AT ALL.
i discovered on the way home tonight that if i just don't breathe, the panic doesn't come...short, squeaky gasps of air that are never enough and that accompany a terror so stark and so complete that i want to die. so i'm holding my breath a lot.