thinking

these past few weeks have been hard. school is really stressful (i just finished a take home test that took approximately 40 hours to complete and i have two papers, a project, two finals, and a final paper due in the next three weeks). i also haven't gotten to spend much time with my family lately, which was more of a strain on me than i thought it would be. i've been finding it really hard to be optimistic--it's never taken effort before.

so in mulling things over, i think i am one of those people who defines her life by her relationships with others--the people i am really close to i devote a lot of time and effort to (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). but i think maybe i do it to the point of detriment. i feel really guilty if i lay my phone down for an hour and miss a call; i get really stressed out trying to balance time with people (i.e. how much time do i spend with mom vs. friends this weekend?) and when i'm with one person i feel guilty for not being with another or if i spend more time than i thought with mom i feel really bad about being late to see jennifer and lindsey or whatever. and i feel guilty if i spend the weekend in athens because i know mom wants me to come home....argh.

i realized last night that i used to do stuff alone, and enjoy it, but then i couldn't remember the last time i did something like that (except for the copious amounts of driving i did this weekend to relieve stress) or what, even, i used to do. i think i used to drive a lot...and shop sometimes (but without spending a lot of money because i never have any) and read and cook...but i feel like there was more, and i miss it, whatever it was. maybe video games? but that's a dangerous route for me because i'm the type to get addicted and play them for like 8 hours a day and then not get anything i need to get done, done.

i also feel like this whole thing of my relationships with others having such precedence in my life has made me more clingy and...maybe unwilling to find other things that i enjoy to occupy my time. i think part of that is because i feel like "well, i only have two days a week to be with family and friends and they deserve to see me and i need to make the most of it" but i usually just end up stressed out or running from one place to the other and spending the time i do have with people anxious about how much time is going by and who's next, or feeling guilty because i really want to stay wherever longer but i feel obligated to go home because mom is there by herself (the weekends that daddy has to work). i think this also contributed to the fact that i don't really feel vested in athens, i love it but it will never be home--i rarely spend weekends here. part of me might have liked to, but more of me would rather spend that time with my family. life is short.

wow, this was a much longer post than i planned, and much more rambling and unstructured than i planned. i think i need to think on this more and figure out how to balance the people in my life with my own happiness and time. i just feel like there's not enough time, and there never will be. maybe that's why i want to move home; then i won't feel like i have to cram it all into every weekend and i can actually see people four or five times a week--without sacrificing my "just for me" or "cleaning the house" or "reading in bed" time.

that is why i'm considering taking that job in austell. closer = more time with family/friends AND more time at home. IF they offer, IF i can deal with burning a bridge, IF i can live with myself...but i think ultimately i'd be more miserable if i didn't at least consider it--i don't really WANT to live on the other side of atlanta and continue only going home on weekends. home, for me, really is where the heart is, and that is with my family.