Sunday, October 21, 2007

i think it's really gone

it's been a while since i had sunday night depression. in college, it was a regular occurence. usually on sundays (in college) i was just getting back to athens after coming home all weekend and i would be NOT looking forward to the week and missing my family and caleb.

i'm proud to say it has been almost a year since i had it, whatever IT was. i'm pretty ok with my life right now. sure, there are some things that i would like to be a little different, but overall it's pretty freaking good. we talked about perfect versus good tonight at simplicity and i think several of us felt like if we couldn't do it perfectly we failed (in this case we were discussing keeping track of money). i think i let this apply to too many things in my life instead of just being grateful for the goodness that did exist. i need to find a balance between striving to do everything perfectly and total complacency. either one would be bad. i feel like in some ways i am beginning to find that middle ground.

we also discussed the benefits/potential benefits of not forcing one's life to progress in a purely linear fashion (i.e. college, grad school, job, marriage, house, kids) but allowing space in life between things on that eventual progression. i think that really applied to me as well, because by having my entire life turned on its head in late april, it really forced me to examine my choices in a new light. did i really want the things i thought i did, or had i just assumed i did since i was a child and never again REALLY examined it? i know that sounded confusing. anyway, the point is, yes, eventually i want a family. but i have realized that i'm not ready for one anytime soon. i want to finish my master's and get a PE first off. then i am allowing myself to see the period beyond that as blank: i can move to colorado (or wherever), i can travel for a year, i can do whatever i want after that BUT I'M NOT GOING TO PLAN IT OUT RIGHT NOW, or even in the next year or two. i'm going to allow it to be deliciously hazy, purposefully unknown, and force myself to be okay with that, excited about it even. other things i realized are no longer self-evident truths for me: i don't care if i'm engaged before i live with someone. i think the benefits of finding out if you can live with someone outweigh my father's reaction (however, i won't be ADVERTISING this revelation to him)...i like cities or boonies but not suburbs...i love my family but i think i'd be ok living somewhere far away, at least for a few years...i might not want to stay at home with my kids--though i will probably want to work less while they're little...i want to be a saver, not a spender (i'm really working on this. hard. i think i will eventually do it but it will probably take a year or so before it becomes natural) family doesn't need to know anything about my love life unless i want them to--but on the other hand their opinions carry more weight than they once did, IF i decide to ask...i'm not sure i want a big wedding (or even a wedding at all) anymore. i've been to a lot of weddings in the past year and it just seems like a lot of drama, money, and stress for something that's supposed to be the happiest day of two people's lives. plus, the marriage is between the two people, not them and their families and 500 of their "best" friends. though family meshing is important, a wedding won't determine that...big expensive houses aren't worth it. i'd rather have a small house with a small payment with rooms that i use every INCH of--efficiently. if it's done right i won't feel cramped and there also won't be unused space. my apartment has definitely redefined "small" to me, and kitchens that are "small" to the general population now seem humongous, fraught with possibilities, full of potential to me. haha....i might want to live in my apartment for more than the one year because it's cheap, the location is great, it will allow me to save more for a house, i feel safe, and there's covered parking.

i think these are most of the revelations i've had recently. i'm sure there will be more.

sorry for the long post; i'm kinda cracked out on starbucks coffee (but i don't have a headache anymore! yay!)

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