Monday, December 31, 2007

my head is gonna explode

i have come to the conclusion that i THINK TOO MUCH. my head is an incessant whirl of thoughts, coming at me from all angles, and i have no effective way of dealing with it. it has recently become so much turmoil that it's hard to go to sleep. so one of my many goals for this lovely new year is to find some way to quiet the constant chatter in my mind. aikido or yoga or even just exercise...something.

the question of relationships has been on my mind a lot lately as well. mostly, i just wonder if anyone even exists who shares my views on what marriage actually is, much less that AND who i'm actually attracted to AND wants a family AND...and, and, and. i read eat, pray, love last week. one of the many nuggets of wisdom i took from that book was that i (like the author, but she much more eloquently phrases it) tend to fall for someone's POTENTIAL...not necessarily the person they are right then. not good.

dating sucks. i tried a while back and wow...just no. sometimes i feel like all the hard work and effort is not EVER going to end up being worthwhile, but that's mostly just on really bad days.

i am also still worried about finances. i'm beginning to wonder if that ever goes away and if i'll ever get the cushion in savings that i'd feel more comfortable with. it's growing, but VERY VERY slowly, and tuition keeps taking large chunks of it. and i have to get new tires this week. they are practically bald and i don't feel safe driving in the rain anymore. hopefully my tax return will at least allow me to pay off credit card debt. (though with the tires i'm not sure). also, it's been a little difficult adjusting to being paid once every two weeks instead of every week, though i think eventually i will like it that way more.

more thoughts involve my job, and on a larger scale, my place in the world. i don't know if engineering is people-oriented enough for me, but most of the people-oriented jobs i can think of either have shitty pay or are TOO people-oriented and while i like SOME people, i mostly just don't like people. (confusing? it's that way in my head too). as far as my place in the world, i feel like i need something spiritual in my life, but NOT organized religion. hence the maybe meditating or yoga. and, while i want a large family (three or four kids) i don't necessarily want to have them two years i'll be having kids till i'm like 45 at that rate, and that's not okay with me at all. so maybe nix a couple of the kids. but then what if i have one and i'm all, holy crap, no more?

THEN there are all the self-improvement thoughts, and i get all excited about them until i remember that most of these things cost money, of which i have little to spare...but EVENTUALLY, the list:
-take aikido and yoga
-take cooking classes once a month or so
-this one's a glimmer: i haven't used my creative brainpower in many years, but at one time it was there and i really enjoyed painting and clay i'm thinking of doing some visual/tactile art, but the vision hasn't solidified yet.
-practicing shooting more
-becoming better at autocross
-BECOMING own mess frequently drives me crazy and that's ridiculous
-overcoming procrastination and laziness (not sure how to go about this one, if you have any ideas please share).
-most of all, continue the process i began this spring of paring down my life to only the people and activities and things i truly enjoy (well, the ones that are within my control. obviously i can't get rid of taxes or car insurance and stuff). it's all about balance, of which i am slowly gaining. hopefully.

i just have to remember, i make my life. i choose the things i do and the people i'm around, therefore i have some say in whether i am happy or unhappy. and barring a choice, i can at least choose my thoughts in relation to certain topics. hopefully i am learning how to be optimistic again (without being out of touch or unrealistic--that's the hard part for me).

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