realizations

...i feel older in my head than i actually am (as far as maturity goes, at least; for the most part i still feel 16--but i'm talking about a whole nother plane of feeling, if you will). i have always felt closer to my sister's age than my own, and typically my friends are either really mature or older than me, or both.

my best guy friend and i were discussing it last night, in relation to age gaps in dating...and he said he doesn't even look twice at people younger than 25 on match.com (he's 27). naturally, i was somewhat insulted on behalf of everyone my age, until he explained that most people he's met my age (or 22 or 23) are still in school, no career yet, not many hobbies/outside interests, etc. hence the no consideration. it didn't help much though, because most of my friends who happen to be my own age are mature, have interests, have a career, blah blah blah. i dunno, maybe my friends are the exceptions. (ha! at least i don't TALK like i'm old--i still say i dunno and wanna and sound twelve. sigh).

so i guess the POINT of all this is i feel like i was born with melissa, not five years later. i have a career, i know where i want to go with it, at least for the next few years--after that hopefully the means to integrate engineering and LEED and sustainable design and DESIGN (not "assembly line engineering," actual DESIGN that requires critical thinking) in a career will become more obvious and easily attainable and hopefully at least somewhat family oriented (as in, if i ever have one of those lol). i am developing my interests, realizing that it's okay to be ME. for a long time i worried about what everyone else thought (especially my family) and how i was expected to be, not how i wanted to be. now it has become more of being me--distilled, concentrated me (how scary is THAT?)--and figuring out how to balance that with the people in my life and not scare them or make them feel like i'm deserting them. namely, my family. so here's to NOT being an aunt who's not around while still preserving my life without my family.

...i think sometimes my dad thinks i'm obnoxious (which i am, i just try to tone it down around him), and since college he seems to be more accepting of that, and of me as a person (who KNOWS stuff! wow!) rather than that i'm his kid and he has to teach me stuff. it's interesting. and odd. especially the whole carbon nanotube-bladed windmill idea. don't get me started...just suffice it to say that once he realized that that equated to having enough strength in his windmill blades to HANG MACK TRUCKS FROM THEM and was therefore totally, wholly unnecessary, he laid off a bit.

...i still hate exercise. but i like the way i feel afterward, and i like having awesome leg muscles (however long they may take to come back, they ARE there, i promise). plus, i paid for the whole semester, which is a pretty good motivator. cardio kickboxing was supposed to be tonight, and i showed up, forgetting that the rest of the WORLD has mlk day off. sigh.

...a freaking volvo beat me this morning (it was because my car was still cold and i was unwilling to push it hard, but STILL). but last night i beat a prelude that had two mufflers with two pipes each and rumbled (not buzzed)...not sure how big the engine was, but it made me feel better since mine's totally stock and still won. haha. (this is why sometimes i feel 16).

...i actually LIKE my apartment now. it is still tiny, and too small to live in forever, but for a couple years it will be good. it's making me not amass so much STUFF; forcing me to reduce/eliminate stuff and let go of my packrat tendencies. i still want to paint it though. just waiting to see how much my rent is going to increase next year (in april of this year, really).

...my skin is ridiculously dry. i mean INSANELY. last night, in the shower, i put OIL on it. yes. OIL. and by the time i got out, i was able to put on three pumps of lotion PER APPENDAGE (appendages, in this case, being defined as 1/2 of a leg, or a whole arm) and have it all absorbed. that was at 6 pm. then, at bedtime (11 pm ish), my face was dry AGAIN so i slathered it with ridiculously greasy feeling moisturizer (my other skin was dry again too, but i was too tired to care). and then when i woke up this morning, there was a little dry patch of flaky skin on my cheek, just saying hey! i know you slathered the lotion on last night but really, it did NO GOOD AT ALL. and for some reason my temple is somewhat red and dry feeling. not sure why. i wish it would warm up a little, or get humid. my skin needs it. plus, enough snow would mean i could skip work/school and sleep and read in my pj's.

...speaking of work, today it was FREEZING because the building people didn't turn on the heat because they thought we weren't working today. so not only did i have to work today when my friends didn't, i had to freeze my ass off the whole time i was there! (but yes, i do still really like my job and the people there).

ok. that was longer than i meant for it to be. (as is everything i say; i'm not sure why i'm still surprised by that).