Thursday, February 21, 2008

cork in the bottle

i am emo right now. and it is not going away like it should. (seriously, i HATE it. it makes me feel like a girl, and illogical, and i get frustrated, but then when i get frustrated, i cry, and then the cycle repeats itself).

school is SERIOUSLY stressing me out. i don't enjoy it anymore. i no longer experience the state of "flow" when i do homework. ("flow" being the state of being totally engrossed in what i'm doing and not realizing that three hours just went by). i am unsure of what, if anything, to do about it. so i'm going to furiously tread water until may and use the fact that there are no summer classes offered to consider 1) why i am feeling this way--is it simply burnout, or do i really not want to continue pursuing my master's? and 2) where i will go from there. BUT i still have to get B's in my classes. i am stressed.

work is ok, i think the fact that i'm working full time and taking two classes is partially leading to this burnout.

finances are treading water. i accidentally paid too much on my credit card this month and had to withdraw from savings to cover it--TWICE. and ewok's vet bill was more than i was prepared for so i basically exchanged a balance on one card for an increased balance on a different one. i have decided no more wine out in atlanta (7 bucks a glass on average is RIDICULOUS; i can just have my wine at home, at friend's houses, or in carrollton for a WHOLE lot cheaper) and only one meal out per week. one NON EXTRAVAGANT meal out per week, with an extravagant one (20-30) once a month. but we all know how i do with rules, even self-imposed ones.

i've also been eating shittily (unhealthily) and not drinking enough water and not getting enough sleep or exercise. i caught up a little on sleep while my sister and my cousin were here this weekend, but one of the nights i couldn't sleep, and then monday night before i had to come back to work and school for the week, i also couldn't sleep.

so basically, i've been bottling up all the stress and all the worry about is this REALLY what i want to be doing with my life and all the frustration of never having enough time, traffic, and occasional insomnia. tuesday afternoon on the way home from work, for the hour and twenty minutes it took me to go 12 miles, i cried. i'm sure i must've looked crazy to other commuters, but it was pretty much past the point of caring. i think knowing that when i got home i had to jump straight into doing my take-home midterm made it much, much worse. the crying helped a little--yesterday i felt calmer, if only because i was drained, but i'm feeling sort of like i did on tuesday again. the worst part is, i don't know how to make it any better in the short term.

dear god. i need to be ABLE to sleep, i desperately need to do laundry, i need to put new brakes on...and i do not have time for any of those right now. (another midterm next tuesday, visiting a sick friend friday, and bigod i'm going to have some freaking fun on saturday/sunday because i NEED to. but i might try to do that laundry, especially since i can't go to work/school naked).

good news, what little of it there is right now: my lease people will let me leave april 30th. and i'm drinking water. two bottles. right now. :)

trying to keep my head above water so i won't drown.

1 comment:

Sally Parrott Ashbrook said...

Poor thing--you ARE feeling overloaded, aren't you?