Sunday, February 24, 2008

digging out

things that are NOT OKAY with me right now:

my apartment is DISGUSTING. (well, other people would probably only notice the clutter, but to me it is BAD).

i NEED to do laundry.

i feel behind on school.

i'm stressed about work (more on that later).

things i will do this week to fix some stuff:


read my prestressed concrete book and go over all the homeworks.

figure out which steel slides for class have been redone and organize my binder of them.

e-mail my boss about my work stress asking for help.


other thoughts:

this weekend was healing, emotionally, for me--lots of family and affection. my sick friend is feeling better and appears to be well taken care of (yay!) and i am so glad. and! i can't WAIT to be roomies! i didn't do any school work, but i'm ok with that. i needed a break. i'm not freaking out anymore. i am stubborn and it has served me well throughout school, and i freaking DECIDED that i would do well this semester and not let it stress me out anymore. which means no more procrastinating. done. zap. the switch is flipped.

i'll be doing my brakes next weekend, and budgeting for alignment and tire rotation/balance next month.

deeper thoughts:

sometimes i look back on the person i was upon leaving for college and the person i am now, and i wonder if the old me would even want to be friends with the new's kind of funny (like haha funny). i think the old me would have been like, OMG, the big bad city! food? is that like some crazy hippie thing?....subaru, what's that? and what is this autocross thing you speak of?....retirement?! i'm only freaking 18!!!.....

et cetera.

which brings me to the point. i feel (especially lately) that certain people in my life are there for a reason, to show me something about myself that needs improving, or open me up to new ways of thinking or whatever. i am so glad i found them. ALL of them. even when the lessons were painful, even when they told me things i didn't want to hear, but most especially when i know that someone has been through some of the things that i have and i'm not alone. also because even if that person is no longer in my life, or no longer in the capacity that i thought they'd be in my life, the lessons i've learned about myself stuck. they're here. i have evolved emotionally in several ways, but i would say the most important of those ways is regarding relationships and what i need and deserve from them, as well as what i can do to make them not all-consuming. basically i feel like i might possibly know how to achieve BALANCE now (with relationships. i still suck at balance with school/work/activities and shit. gimme a break. one thing at a time). yay!

friends are wonderful and amazing. i am soooo grateful that i have real, true, deep friendships, and many of them. without them i am certain i would not be in as good of shape as i am right now.

tonight's simplicity meeting made me realize some things. we were supposed to do a poster that visually represented our idea of a "rich" life. i did not make one. initially i told myself it was because i was so overwhelmed (which in truth was maybe 30% of the reason). later, i realized that it is also because some of the things i want for my own "rich" life are hard to admit, even to myself, much less to everyone else; and because my life is FAR, FAR from what i want it to look like someday.

so here goes nothing:

things that i want, but have a hard time admitting to ANYONE:
-a family.
-to live near (preferably ON) water, preferably the gulf.
-to be finished with school FOR GOOD.
-to have a job that i actually CARE about the things i work on. frankly, i don't care about cell phone towers. sure, they're sorta interesting, but as soon as i feel like i have it all figured out, i'll be bored. (should be another several months though, and i still REALLY like the people). not sure if that means being an engineer or not.
-to be able to take the time to make a really freaking awesome dinner every night if i wanted to, with lots of experimentation.
-to have as much vacation time as people get in europe. screw all this workaholic, no vacation, money money money american shit. it's ridiculous and draining, and i'd like more time to live my LIFE, thanks.
-a well designed (preferably by me) house that isn't too huge but is fucking AWESOME.

things that have to change so that these things can be possible:
-finish school
-get awesome job with decent pay and ample vacation time, or the ability to do it from home or far away, with minimal stress.
-move to beach/lake

and now, i need SLEEP.

we will see if any of this actually makes sense in the morning. haha.