Wednesday, April 16, 2008

things that i want

things that i want--SERIOUSLY want:

BALANCE. i want more time for the things i think are truly important--friends, family, reading, re-centering myself, and fun.

to be done with school and finally feel like i'm not struggling to catch up with some ideal for myself that i have created in my mind. first, it was finishing college. then i got there and realized that in order to truly have a career that is fulfilling and not purely rote (or "assembly line" engineering) i needed a master's. but i won't finish that for another two years and some months...and then it will be the PE test. THEN, i'm hoping i will have reached a sort of balance, where i'm still learning, albeit more slowly, less frantically, and only because i WANT to be learning, not because some person says that if i do this and get a piece of paper (master's degree), i can have a better job.

to have a FULFILLING job that pays decently. i don't really care if i'm "rich" per se (because rich is not defined by how much money i have or don't, but how fulfilled i feel with my life), but i would eventually like to have a job in which i like it so much that the inevitable crap that comes with it is WORTH IT. i realize i've only had two "real" jobs (three if you count CertainTeed), but so far i haven't found anything close. (although my current job is MUCH BETTER than the last one, i think that's more because of the people and the location than the actual work). because let's face it, i don't care about or have a personal stake in insulation manufacturing, connection design, or cell phone towers. i need something more relevant and "feel good."

to have a family someday. i see david, amie, jenny and anna, and while they have their difficulties, they are above all a family. i want that someday. i belive that family is one of the few ways we can actually make the world a little brighter, by creating/being part of a unified, loving, hilariously fun and nutty family. having that in my own life has been AMAZINGLY AWESOME, and i would argue that i had the best childhood ever and the best mom/dad/siblings ever. not because they're perfect, but because we were raised to love each other, play like crazy, be nutty, and HAVE FUN. not that we didn't have our squabbles; we did. but they were never the focus. somehow, my mama and daddy (yes, i still call them that) instilled in us the view that siblings are to have fun with and invent crazy games with and confide in (even to the detriment of not telling our parents if the other(s) had done something wrong, which i STILL see as invaluable...they were and still are the two people in the world that i KNOW, no matter what, will still love me and not let judgment color their view of me whatever i do). my family freaking rocks. we have so many inside jokes that i think sometimes people think we're speaking a foreign language. my extended family is that way too, for the most part, and for that i feel even more incredibly lucky. all of my cousins (even second cousins) are more like siblings to me in that i would CHOOSE to hang out with them as friends even if we weren't actually related. having that corner of support and fun and awesomeness has helped me MANY times.

an abode that i can be creative with. it has been far too long since i was able to paint or decorate or remodel and it's really getting to me. i think that is an outlet that i NEED. i don't care if it's rented or purchased, but my remodeling self is itching to get back out and get busy again. i need a project, and i need to feel that where i live reflects me, and right now i don't feel that way (it kinda does, but because i can't paint it feels like a very watered-down reflection).

to cook more. cooking, for me, is fulfilling. i like trying new things, i love food, and i like knowing that i can create food that looks and tastes good and has new ingredients. that, along with the interior decorating/renovating part of me, seems to have gone dormant since i moved into my apartment. i look forward to getting that back soon.

milk. (this is totally unrelated to the previous "deep thought" things). i've been craving milk lately. i actually DREAMED about a glass of milk the other night and when i woke up i could hardly wait to get to work (we had breakfast here on friday and there was leftover, still good, milk) and CHUG some freaking milk. i currently don't have any at my apartment. i think i'll remedy that tonight. geez. just typing about it is making me want more milk. yes, hi, i am a milk addict, nice to meet you.

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