Tuesday, July 22, 2008

i am the most impatient person i know (aka FRUSTRATION)

but i'm trying. so hard. and i'm having a really hard time in general. sally's thoughts about self-care versus self-control seem key right now. but oh my lord.

if i were practicing self-care, i'd quit school.

if i were practicing self-care, i'd find a job at which i like the WORK as well as the people.

i'd sleep more.

i'd cook more, and get a dishwasher.

i'd read more.

i'd take time for ME instead of letting everything and everyone come first. i've been bad about this in the past; i suppose this is just a relapse. there's just soo much to do and no time. school is pretty much the bane of my existence right now. if i am being honest with myself, i hate it. i hate that i can't come home and do what i want in the evenings, i hate that my "success" depends on someone else's interpretation of what i do and someone else's rules, i hate that i feel like i've learned next to nothing new from undergrad, i hate that it has turned into nothing but an expensive piece of paper and a pay raise to me. basically, it's just a hassle. a royal pain in the ass. most of all, i HATE the CONSTANT, INCESSANT stress of homeworks hanging over my head that are stupid but time consuming. there's never EVER a break from the damned homework. i don't even think i can adequately express just how much it grates on me. but i feel like i have to finish because i'm okay at it and i want to be "successful" and i want to make more money eventually. what ever happened to interesting, new things learned? what is the point of a freaking master's degree if all it is is repetition of the same old SHIT that i have ALREADY DONE? new shit, please. yes, over here. k thanks.

also, i would REALLY like to not live in my apartment anymore, but i'm too stubborn to give up on a house. at some point i'll cave in one direction or another. or explode.

finances are a constant burden as well. i'm making progress, but it's so SLOW. so. slow. and my work STILL hasn't reimbursed the 50% of tuition from spring semester. and i have to pay fall tuition in a matter of weeks. i have (barely) enough saved for the full amount, but that would pretty much wipe out my emergency fund at this point. with them reimbursing enough to pay half, that would be a HUGE relief.

and i keep incrementally, slowly, gaining weight. this galls me. but with my insane schedule, shitty kitchen, and extreme lack of motivation, it's not going to get any better anytime soon.

i haven't been getting enough sleep the past two weeks. i think that has a lot to do with my attitude right now. i'm constantly tired and cranky but can't fucking go to sleep earlier because there's ________ that needs doing before i can go to sleep. (fill in blank with: homework, laundry, cooking, shopping--groceries and cat food, cleaning, errands, obligations, etc.)

oh yeah, and i got rear-ended thursday. ugh. i wish people would GTFA from my car.

i don't feel any better after having released all this. i just want to go cry. no end. it never freaking ends. i sense a good frustration-cry coming on.