bitchin' (censored version)

They didn’t tell us the truth about angst. It’s supposed to be this phenomenon that happens when you’re in middle and high schools and then goes away…well, here’s an update—IT DOESN’T. Sure, it happens less frequently, but that’s a small comfort considering when it does happen, it’s MUCH WORSE. At 23, I still feel just as angsty as I did in high school, albeit less often. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I like the PEOPLE at my job, but I hate my actual job. Obviously. I’m sitting here writing this instead of doing MY JOB. So back to my life. I don’t know what I want to do for the rest of it—I’m less close to knowing now, after graduating college, than I was when I freaking graduated high school. I’m further away from having a meaningful family life than I was in college—now there’s not even a boyfriend. At least I learned not to ever define myself by my relationships again, there’s a plus for that. So I guess all in all, I feel closer to square one than I was five years ago. Except now I have a piece of paper that proclaims I’m smart and work hard. But honestly, who believes that shit? It’s nothing like the real world—no class I ever had was anything like the real world.

I’d always heard that one’s twenties were difficult, but I was stupid enough to think that wouldn’t—COULDN’T—be me. Because I’d make all the RIGHT choices. THAT was dumb.

memories

interesting weekend

strange, interesting, wonderful, and heartbreaking all at once. to sum it up, bittersweet--and leaves me with more inner peace than i started with. and the knowledge that whatever happens on this long roller coaster, however it ends up, it will be okay.

i'm important!

yay! i feel important at work! my boss just asked me if i could work overtime for a few weeks so he can give the people he just bid this job for an earlier completion date. i've never felt IMPORTANT or NECESSARY at my job before! (maybe a little at certainteed, but that was a long time ago and i wasn't a real engineer then).

here's to working a lot, out of necessity, the next few weeks! :)

music therapy

Cold Day in the Sun
Took the high dive into your brain
And you made your lonely calls
You just might wear your welcome out
If you don’t let it go
There’s nothing that you couldn’t say
Cuz you’ve said it all before
I think it’s time you walked this lonely road all on your own

It’s your cold day in the sun
Looks like your bleeding heart has already won

I wish I could take it away
And save you from yourself
You get so lost inside your head
Like no one else
Are you looking for someone to blame?
Did you blame me all along?
You’ll take the heat
But you would never take the fall

It’s your cold day in the sun
Looks like your bleeding heart has already won

You’re so afraid that you are the only one
You are the only one
You know

Don’t be afraid cuz you’re not the only one
You’re not the only one
I know

"CONCENTRATE!"

...i scream inwardly at myself as my mind wanders away from my job....

i am wound waaaaaayyy too tightly lately.

i think i need a good bonking.

maybe i'll settle for a professional massage instead. that would actually (maybe) reduce the softball-sized knots in my shoulders and neck...

today isn't the greatest

Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears?
One at a time,
unspoken balance here
unabridged for so many years
That I should stare at recievers
To recieve her
Isn't fair

Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't ever worry

Your arms in mine,
Anytime,
I wouldn't trade anything
You're still my everything
To my surprise,
Before my eyes,
You arrive

Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't ever worry

Still breaking old habits, habits,
You pulled the wool over me,
I can see everything,
Everything,
Remembering,
jinx removing

Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't ever worry
No need for reminding,
You're still all the matters to me.

stupid, stupid ipod. it doesn't know any better.

in other news

i actually wrote down the list today:

within the US:

Alaska: just cause. You have to. And whales and stuff.
Seattle: coffee, kurt cobain, puget sound, mountains, outdoorsy stuff
SoCal: warm, beaches, totally different way of life, food
Michigan/Great Lakes: in the fall (early fall) to see leaves change, beaches, nature
Niagara Falls: just cause. You have to.
Yellowstone: ditto
Grand Canyon: ditto
Maine (by drive, up east coast): seafood along the way, eastern seaboard, nature and woods when you finally get to maine.
Colorado/Wyoming/Utah: skiing, horses, moutains, ranches, salt lake
Texas: gulf and west: gulf b/c galveston is such a pretty name and it's in that song, west b/c of contrast and the alamo
Arizona (to see at least one postcard-worthy desert sunset)
Bridger Bowl ski resort in Montana (cheaper, better skiiing)
Nebraska: to see nothing but grass as far as I can see
Northern California: to drive on the twisty roads and stare off cliffs into the ocean
ALL of the Florida Keys. by car.

outside the US:

Italy: food, mediterranean beaches, shopping
Germany/Poland/WWII places
Greece: to see all the stuff I learned about in art history
Egypt: to see the rest of the art history stuff
Mediterranean Cruise: mediterranean, cruises are awesome
Istanbul, Turkey: in the article for more affordable, beautiful
Prague, Czech Republic: in the article, beautiful
Bran, Romania: reminds me of those books I read, beautiful
Cuenca, Ecuador: exotic/warm, in that article
Buenos Aires, Argentina: new place, exotic, in the article
Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic: similar to bahamas, in the article, pretty
Ko Phi Phi Don, Thailand: food, beautiful, in the article
Australia/New Zealand: food, new, interesting
Fiji: beautiful, exotic, don't know much about it
Russia: architecture, food, people
China: great wall, food, shopping, historical religious stuff
Morocco/African island: exotic, food, people
Brazil: food, people, exotic, ancient ruins
Bahamas: beach. Food. Nuff said.
Prince Edward Island: cause it was in anne of green gables. i know. i'm a dork.

irresistable desire

to take a road trip. now. but i don't know who with: jenn's got a boy, lindsey's got a boy and she's broke, derek would never let melissa go (and i'm not sure we'd be so great in a car for a week), my guy friends are all either not allowed to go or probably wouldn't want to....

and plus i don't have any freaking vacation anyway. sigh. :(

but. if i could take said trip, i think i'd go to galveston. i like the name, it's pretty. and there's a beach there. and since it's on my potential list of places to maybe live, i need to at least have been there.

or maybe maine, up the eastern seaboard, eating lots of seafood on my way, visiting all the cities along the way, and then relaxing in the woods/moutains/lack of people and crowding up there. that's gonna be like a two to three week trip though when i do it.

hit the nail on the head

"...[you have to] be able to put [someone] else's feelings and desires above [your] own. And unless you can do that more times than not, day in and day out in a relationship--- much moreso in a marriage-- then both people are doomed for unhappiness, and the marriage is doomed for divorce. Doing nice things and saying nice things for and to your partner are not things that are contrived or done out of being "expected to do it and say it." It comes naturally and freely for someone who truly loves another person and wants to spend the rest of their life with them...if both people don't have a genuine, mutual desire to put his/her partner first in thought, word, and deed then one person is going to feel frustrated and constrained and the other is going to feel hurt, cheated and lonely in varying degrees from time to time until after a few years the gaps between the "feel good times" and "the bad times"become narrower and narrower and unhappiness gradually turns into resentfulness and bitterness..."

-Anonymous

wow. very very insightful.

Take away love and our earth is a tomb. - Robert Browning

grin

autocross was awesome. i have a lot to learn. think i'm going again june 10th.

and motorcycles are fucking cool. and fun. :) now i want one...but that is a dream that will have to wait for SEVERAL years. i think.

2 things

goin to autocross tomorrow. grin.

and i bought pants/short things in a size EIGHT today. that is the first time i have bought a size eight since sophomore year of college. go me.

hmm

i saw this quote today on a friend's facebook page. coincidence? i think not. now if i could really truly believe it deep down...i'm still working on that part. but i will get there.

"Watching him walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love... but rather it makes me realize if i wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along..."

just trying to keep myself busy, or as uncle posie used to say, "hold your head above the water, you'll never drown." such an astute observation, yet one we allow ourselves to forget a lot. :)

over the hump

my plan right now:
1) finish grad school, whether it's a master's or phd--either is fine with me. that is going to be my top priority for the next three years.
2) save lots of money, unless i go the phd route, which is looking less and less probable. saving of the money must occur so that i can have a decent house, a great car (note the priority lol), and never have to answer to anyone about how i spend my money (not that that has ever been an issue, but this is just insurance so it won't).
3) get the hell outta dodge, if you know what i mean. i think i'd like to try a couple of different places. some possibilities: chicago, colorado (for that dream job i posted on here a long time ago), maine (good seafood, not too many people, not so freaking hot), texas gulf coast (cause i like the beach and i'm thinking it's appropriately far), milwaukee cause i like the name, maybe florida...but i'm kinda familiar with it already so it doesn't have as much appeal. at least a small-to-medium city with CULTURE...or at least a lotta good non-chain restaurants.
4) probably come back to within a three hour drive of my family at some point; i'd miss them too much otherwise.

hopefully someday i will find someone to do these things with me and support me, but i refuse to make that all-consuming. ever. we see where that got me.

if i think about these things and only these things and don't allow other negative thoughts to intrude (at least 80% of the time anyway; it would be impossible 100%) i should be okay. eventually. maybe i'll try to get a job for the CIA. bigod if i'm gonna be alone, i might as well be dangerous as hell.

incessant thoughts

i want to turn my brain off. just long enough to eat, get comfortable, and sleep. i am thinking consuming medium quantities of alcoholic beverages tonight might be just the thing--not so many that i get all emotional, but not so few that i still can't sleep.

deep, dreamless sleep would be number one on my list right now. actual restful sleep.