it grows and grows

my to do list, that is....here goes:

set up the ceremony for the Order of the Engineer, and convince all my friends that yes, this really is a good idea (somehow i think they might resent having a ceremony for only four people)...

grad school application: finish "statement of purpose." i suck at writing...especially when it comes to making something that straightforward and boring sound interesting. hopefully i will have some help with this... :)

e-mail the guy at DePalma's so we can all eat there after i graduate

five page paper for residential, due tomorrow

HVAC design for mom's lakehouse, due thursday

ten page paper for history, due ?

final FEA (finite element analysis) project

10 minute presentation for above project

36 by 24 poster for aforementioned project

final for FEA (as if a final project weren't enough) on READING DAY

final presentation for residential

final paper for residential

four homeworks for hydrology

take home final for hydrology

history final

somehow i think that sleeping and eating might be pushed to the back burner for a while, but at least now i have a comprehensive (and terrifying) list posted somewhere so i can refer back to it.

i want to shop for people's christmas presents. i love giving gifts. i also want to cook a lot. maybe in a couple weeks.

anxiety and fear and panic

visited mom again tonight. i think she's depressed; the fact that diabetes is a concern now is just the icing on the cake for her right now i think. and daddy's frustrated--all that time in the room is getting to him, as is mom's lack of desire to do anything. she's supposed to do ten laps around the hall each day, she's done three. she won't eat (she doesn't feel like it because hey guess what? there's not any fucking room in there!) and she couldn't poo, which made it even worse. daddy called me on the way home just to tell me she had FINALLY managed to poo. hopefully that will help her appetite and general overall feeling better too.

it's gonna be a long road. one which i am not sure of--already i feel like collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor; i can't eat, and sleeping is restless and dream-filled (and not in a good way). and somewhere, somehow i have to find the strength and desire and motivation to finish school and my grad school application. NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW. AT ALL.

i discovered on the way home tonight that if i just don't breathe, the panic doesn't come...short, squeaky gasps of air that are never enough and that accompany a terror so stark and so complete that i want to die. so i'm holding my breath a lot.

proceeding with trepidation.

mama got a transplant. on thanksgiving day! things are going to be rough for a few more days, but i think she's on the mend and the new kidney is working, just maybe not 100 percent yet. excited, and nervous....and really really happy and relieved. melissa and i came home and cleaned her house friday, but there's still so much to do...and i have so much schoolwork. i have faith that it will all work out though, which i can't say i had before, so that's good. life is so beautiful, and so precarious--but all the more beautiful because it's so precarious.

i don't have to work monday; today and tomorrow will be spent cleaning mom's house, getting necessities at wally world, and doing school work.

thinking

these past few weeks have been hard. school is really stressful (i just finished a take home test that took approximately 40 hours to complete and i have two papers, a project, two finals, and a final paper due in the next three weeks). i also haven't gotten to spend much time with my family lately, which was more of a strain on me than i thought it would be. i've been finding it really hard to be optimistic--it's never taken effort before.

so in mulling things over, i think i am one of those people who defines her life by her relationships with others--the people i am really close to i devote a lot of time and effort to (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). but i think maybe i do it to the point of detriment. i feel really guilty if i lay my phone down for an hour and miss a call; i get really stressed out trying to balance time with people (i.e. how much time do i spend with mom vs. friends this weekend?) and when i'm with one person i feel guilty for not being with another or if i spend more time than i thought with mom i feel really bad about being late to see jennifer and lindsey or whatever. and i feel guilty if i spend the weekend in athens because i know mom wants me to come home....argh.

i realized last night that i used to do stuff alone, and enjoy it, but then i couldn't remember the last time i did something like that (except for the copious amounts of driving i did this weekend to relieve stress) or what, even, i used to do. i think i used to drive a lot...and shop sometimes (but without spending a lot of money because i never have any) and read and cook...but i feel like there was more, and i miss it, whatever it was. maybe video games? but that's a dangerous route for me because i'm the type to get addicted and play them for like 8 hours a day and then not get anything i need to get done, done.

i also feel like this whole thing of my relationships with others having such precedence in my life has made me more clingy and...maybe unwilling to find other things that i enjoy to occupy my time. i think part of that is because i feel like "well, i only have two days a week to be with family and friends and they deserve to see me and i need to make the most of it" but i usually just end up stressed out or running from one place to the other and spending the time i do have with people anxious about how much time is going by and who's next, or feeling guilty because i really want to stay wherever longer but i feel obligated to go home because mom is there by herself (the weekends that daddy has to work). i think this also contributed to the fact that i don't really feel vested in athens, i love it but it will never be home--i rarely spend weekends here. part of me might have liked to, but more of me would rather spend that time with my family. life is short.

wow, this was a much longer post than i planned, and much more rambling and unstructured than i planned. i think i need to think on this more and figure out how to balance the people in my life with my own happiness and time. i just feel like there's not enough time, and there never will be. maybe that's why i want to move home; then i won't feel like i have to cram it all into every weekend and i can actually see people four or five times a week--without sacrificing my "just for me" or "cleaning the house" or "reading in bed" time.

that is why i'm considering taking that job in austell. closer = more time with family/friends AND more time at home. IF they offer, IF i can deal with burning a bridge, IF i can live with myself...but i think ultimately i'd be more miserable if i didn't at least consider it--i don't really WANT to live on the other side of atlanta and continue only going home on weekends. home, for me, really is where the heart is, and that is with my family.

wow

i can't believe it's already almost mid-november. t-minus five weeks and 11 hours and 20 minutes.

so i allowed myself to wallow in unmotivation/self pity this week, and overall it did me no good. i'm now behind (instead of able to get ahead) in my schoolwork. but bigod i really freaking needed a week of straight up not doing ANYTHING for school. it was GREAT, other than the fact that for most of it i wanted to hole up in my bed but i could not physically sleep for that long. so i spent a lot of time in my bed, but not necessarily sleeping. and other than the fact that now i'm stressed again. but hey, i work better under pressure, right?.......RIGHT?

in other news, i cleaned my house (ok, well, the kitchen, because it took FOUR HOURS) and now my kitchen and my hands smell like bleach, and i'm not afraid to put stuff on the counter now. (certain people in this household have a HUGE problem with crumbs--and they aren't me. but i have clutter issues, so i guess we're even). ewok's all lovey and drooley now because of the bleach. (is that normal for cats? no? i didn't think so, of course i would have the abnormal ones).

gotta be at work at eight tomorrow, which means i have to leave here at seven, and i haven't packed or finished laundry. it's gonna be a long night, and i'm gonna need lots of caffeine tomorrow. also tomorrow, i get to baby sit Delta, the freaking coolest ten month old i've ever met. she's INTENSE, and hilarious. you can definitely see the wheels turning already--i kinda feel sorry for her parents when she gets about eighteen or so.

then saturday, I GET TO HANG OUT WITH THE DREWS!!!! (i refuse to call it babysitting because a) they're really freaking cool and i'd hang out with them just for fun, b) they're too old to be "baby-sat" now and c) i'm more of a chauffer (sp?) slash friend anyway.

i wanted to go driving twice this week after work/school, but going driving sucks when you only have thirty minutes of daylight left. maybe i'll go on sunday morning.

i'm done for now. gotta pack and fold clothes.

t-minus

five weeks, two and a half days.

on the downhill side (hopefully)

this week was hell. i'm sick of school, sick of being in athens, sick of not having the people i love close to me. i've also been an emotional wreck, which didn't help any.

but today, today is going to be better. i will not think negative thoughts. i will not cry. i will go work for the new place and be excited about it, and then i will go home and see the people that i love, and it will all be a little better, a little brighter for that.