blah

conflicting emotions

i'm somewhat giddy about vacation approaching. i just have to not let myself think about things i don't want to think about, and it will be okay. i'm hoping the insinuated reading material will be available for me to peruse though.

i'm also really looking forward to saturday.

i need to find out if my sister is insured to drive my car. i kinda don't wanna talk to the insurance people though because i got another speeding ticket and talking to them might make them aware that i exist again, and make them want to check my record again. sigh. at least the frequency and speed over the speed limit of my tickets is declining.

trivia tonight! cd release party friday night! delia's wedding saturday! pack for the beach! then G.T.F.O.D. (get the %$^* out of dodge) for a week. then monday through wednesday off for the fourth of july. i wonder if i can squeeze in a mini road trip? i don't know if anyone would come with though....

normally, vacation in st george goes by all too fast and i wish there were another three weeks of it. this year, i am horribly afraid it will go by all too slowly.

The Dream

I never told you about it, I don’t think. I was about twenty at the time—it was the most poignant, most significant dream I’ve ever had.

I dreamed about William Madoc. He was an adorable blonde child of about two, and we were on vacation—me, him, and you. Will and I were talking (in the typical way of mothers and their children—I was given an understanding of why moms do that—because their child is soooo interesting, sooo beautiful that they could listen to him talk for hours) and you were standing a little off to the side, looking at the horizon. I sensed your inner peace, contentment and happiness. I felt more right, more happy, and more peaceful than I have ever felt in my waking life.

You may think, ok, I was just delusional…and maybe I was. But the point of the dream, I think, was not the life that you and I had or could have had, though that part was not lost on me. It was to make me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that children and family are the single greatest things in life, beyond all our expectations. We expect them to be a hassle, expect them to cause hurt and heartache and just generally be a pain in the ass—and we are afraid of the responsibility of a little life being in our hands. What we fail to realize is the indestructibility and peace of having love and family. I can’t even describe the way I felt about this child, this part of us. It is a love I have never known with or for anyone. It was so strong I woke up knowing with certainty that THIS is the love that all of us should experience in our lives. I didn’t even know that it was possible to love another human being that much. I also realized how much more I could grow to love you throughout our lives. Upon waking, I knew that the meaning of life is not personal gain, power, money, or trying to figure out life and civilization and why they suck so much—they always have and always will and one person can’t change that. If someone constantly worries about those things, it only prevents him or her from enjoying the few things there are to enjoy in life and eventually leaves him/her utterly miserable, cynical, and jaded, with no belief in any of the good that lies in all of us. And most likely, alone and lonely. Sure, there are distractions: our hobbies, our vices, all the self-gratifying things we do in order to not think about the sad state of the world and humans in general. Those are just that—distractions. They don’t solve anything or erase the pain of society. But the point of life, to me, is to love and be loved. Because that is the most rewarding thing that any of us experience in our short time here, it causes no angst, and it makes the world at least a little brighter for at least a few people—those people at least knows that there is an oasis of love, acceptance, and comfort for them to come home to in the midst of all the insanity, injustice, pain, and anger that is human life and civilization. It’s more effective and personally uplifting to brighten up a little corner of the world for the people around you than to stew about the whole of civilization and realize that you cannot affect it at all, thereby becoming small and mean and lonely inside--but incapable of reaching out to anyone anymore.

I know that I can’t make you agree, can’t make you want the same things…but I can at least try to help you understand. You choose your destiny, you choose the ramifications of all your actions and I am not here to judge or change. Only to explain myself, the things I want, and why I want them. And maybe, just maybe, make you see why sometimes I seem flippant or unconcerned with the injustice and sorrow in the world. I see it, and I feel it, and I do what I can. But I don’t let it drive me crazy, or drive me away from others. Because that would be insanity.

In short, I think that morning I awoke with an understanding of what was truly important to me: being able to love and be loved with everything I’ve got in order to make the world a little brighter for everyone whose lives I manage to touch. It’s not taking on the world, but it’s the best I can do with what I’ve got. Loving someone else more than myself, more than my own mother, more than my significant other—even if it was just a dream—made me see what is really, truly important in my life. And made me want to experience that love. Because I KNOW I will be a better person for it. And if that…THAT…was only a dream…well, I want the reality.

i don't know anything anymore. my world is upside down but it might be better than it was but what if i just think it's better and it's really not?

many many other things going through my head that are inappropriate for public discussion and i'm just being a girl anyway.

i am not exactly enthralled with life right now.

eek!

i have no more clean laundry! (ok ok that was a gross overstatement. i have plenty of clean clothes, they're just not the ones i wear often. and i'm down to my last pair of comfortable underwear...though i do have probably another two weeks worth of uncomfortable ones...does this make me strange?)

and i still need toothpaste.

and to vacuum, do dishes, and clean. tonight and tomorrow am are going to (hopefully) be very productive. :)

in order to do laundry i have to load more money on my laundry card. that sucks. i do, however, have minimal cash on me to do that so at least i don't have to get charged $3.50 to take stuff out of the ATM at my apartment. sigh.

i'm thinking a) i wouldn't trade living here for the world but b) it'll make me REALLY appreciate it when i live somewhere with a dishwasher and washer/dryer again. pretty ironic that i even moved here at all, since dishes and laundry are my two most HATED chores. (cause you have to f with them so many times. it's not like vacumming, where you expend effort ONCE and it's done. oh, no. you must f with each piece of dish or laundry AT LEAST THREE TIMES for dishes and for laundry, it's at least six...HORRIBLY INEFFICIENT).

toes

my toenails need painting...actually, i need to just suck it up and get a pedicure. my feet are kinda rough looking (which i guess for most people that wouldn't be bad cause some people's feet are just disgusting, and mine on their worst days are typically better than these people's on their best days).

also need a hair trim. and maybe some red lowlights. ok. those would be wants.

needs? well...

toothpaste...i'm down to the last two squeezes

cat litter...not bad yet but only one more day's worth in there even though i scoop

a maid/laundress....HA! yeah right.

to stop doing this and go back to work...so i will.

pretending

we pretend....we pretend....we pretend it all away

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

i have never been successful in trying to live my life with that philosophy. so i am trying to now. so far it's a lot easier this way, except when worries start creeping in. but i try to either address them or let them go.

also? i HATE bicyclists. because invariably, you're driving, there's one on the side of the road pedaling away, and you feel bad for them and a little guilty as you veer around them....and THEN. THEN you get to the red light, where they swerve over to get BETWEEN LANES--you know, like they're riding ON the dotted lines that separate the slow lane from the one next to it--AND RUN THE FUCKING RED LIGHT IN THE BETWEEN-LANES AREA. if you're gonna ask me to share the fucking road, follow the fucking LAWS. like red lights. oh yeah, and then three red lights down the road, repeat scenario, only this time the light turns green while bicyclist in question is between lanes but not through the red light yet so then tries to cut off CARS WHO ARE GOING FASTER THAN HIM ALREADY BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT, CARS DO THAT and nearly ends up commiting suicide because that car he tried to cut off? yeah, that's me, and after three red lights of this shit i'm pretty pissed, so bigod if he wants to be in the "between" lane that he fucking created so he could run a red light, let him STAY THERE OR I'LL RUN OVER HIM. ASSWIPE. i swear to god if i see him again i'm going to get far left in my lane so he can't do that shit. and maybe accidentally have to open my door/stick something out the window to pour out/etc.

and that is why bicyclists suck ass and should never be allowed to share the road. because to them, "share the road" means "let the bicycle do whatever the fuck it wants but YOU CAN'T RUN OVER IT no matter how many laws it breaks because it's just a poor wittle bicycle."

fuckers.

rant rant rant rant

people are so strange. just when you think they're ok, they're not.

one of the people at work stopped in my doorway thursday before we left for the fishing trip...

Other Person (OP): "how old are you?"

Me: "twenty three."

OP: "hm. that explains a lot."

Me: "why?"

OP: "you've just been taking shots at me lately."

Me: (utterly confused) "what do you mean?"

OP: "well, that conversation we had (PEOPLE. IT WAS A MONTH AGO) when we were talking about the Audi TT and I said something about one of my friends had one and you asked, 'have you ever driven one? have you ever ridden in one?' and i just thought that was rude, you taking shots at me like that."

Me: "oh. i had no idea you took it that way. i asked because i was genuinely interested and i like cars, especially sports cars, and had never ridden in or driven and Audi TT and wanted to know how you liked it."

Pause....

Me: "do you feel that way a lot?"

OP: "yeah."

Me: (looking on in disbelief) "....well, i mean, i guess i come across as a sarcastic asshole sometimes---

OP: (interrupts) "--yeah. sarcastic asshole. that pretty much sums it up."

Me: "but i wasn't trying to be sarcastic at that moment. i was genuinely interested because it was something i was interested in."

OP: "well, your age explains a lot. i have a 19 and 21 year old."

Me: "i hope i don't offend you--i didn't mean anything to sound like i was 'taking shots at you' or anything."

CONCLUSION: paranoid people suck. as do people who assume i'm the way i am because i'm under the age of FIFTY SEVEN. hello? i will ALWAYS be this way, whether i'm 23 or 98. it's the way i am. and on top of that, i was trying to show interest in your life and be nice by being excited for you about you getting to ride in or drive the car that you love but don't have! excuse the hell out of me for being interested and asking questions. if you thought THAT was 'taking shots' you should hear it when i really AM being sarcastic!!!! geez. fuck off. honestly, i don't give a shit about stuff, as in it's not like i have a personal vendetta against you. i'm not that confrontational. i have too much shit going on in my life and too much to think about to sit around thinking, hmm, how can i annoy/take shots at OP's today? you merely exist to me. i have no feeling about that. it just is. can we puh-lease get over all this paranoid high school reading tone/interest wrong bullshit?? i just wanna do my fucking job. that is all.