digging out

things that are NOT OKAY with me right now:

my apartment is DISGUSTING. (well, other people would probably only notice the clutter, but to me it is BAD).

i NEED to do laundry.

i feel behind on school.

i'm stressed about work (more on that later).






things i will do this week to fix some stuff:

laundry.

read my prestressed concrete book and go over all the homeworks.

figure out which steel slides for class have been redone and organize my binder of them.

e-mail my boss about my work stress asking for help.

vacuum.



other thoughts:

this weekend was healing, emotionally, for me--lots of family and affection. my sick friend is feeling better and appears to be well taken care of (yay!) and i am so glad. and! i can't WAIT to be roomies! i didn't do any school work, but i'm ok with that. i needed a break. i'm not freaking out anymore. i am stubborn and it has served me well throughout school, and i freaking DECIDED that i would do well this semester and not let it stress me out anymore. which means no more procrastinating. done. zap. the switch is flipped.

i'll be doing my brakes next weekend, and budgeting for alignment and tire rotation/balance next month.

deeper thoughts:

sometimes i look back on the person i was upon leaving for college and the person i am now, and i wonder if the old me would even want to be friends with the new me...it's kind of funny (like haha funny). i think the old me would have been like, OMG, the big bad city!....organic food? is that like some crazy hippie thing?....subaru, what's that? and what is this autocross thing you speak of?....retirement?! i'm only freaking 18!!!.....

et cetera.

which brings me to the point. i feel (especially lately) that certain people in my life are there for a reason, to show me something about myself that needs improving, or open me up to new ways of thinking or whatever. i am so glad i found them. ALL of them. even when the lessons were painful, even when they told me things i didn't want to hear, but most especially when i know that someone has been through some of the things that i have and i'm not alone. also because even if that person is no longer in my life, or no longer in the capacity that i thought they'd be in my life, the lessons i've learned about myself stuck. they're here. i have evolved emotionally in several ways, but i would say the most important of those ways is regarding relationships and what i need and deserve from them, as well as what i can do to make them not all-consuming. basically i feel like i might possibly know how to achieve BALANCE now (with relationships. i still suck at balance with school/work/activities and shit. gimme a break. one thing at a time). yay!

friends are wonderful and amazing. i am soooo grateful that i have real, true, deep friendships, and many of them. without them i am certain i would not be in as good of shape as i am right now.

tonight's simplicity meeting made me realize some things. we were supposed to do a poster that visually represented our idea of a "rich" life. i did not make one. initially i told myself it was because i was so overwhelmed (which in truth was maybe 30% of the reason). later, i realized that it is also because some of the things i want for my own "rich" life are hard to admit, even to myself, much less to everyone else; and because my life is FAR, FAR from what i want it to look like someday.

so here goes nothing:

things that i want, but have a hard time admitting to ANYONE:
-a family.
-to live near (preferably ON) water, preferably the gulf.
-to be finished with school FOR GOOD.
-to have a job that i actually CARE about the things i work on. frankly, i don't care about cell phone towers. sure, they're sorta interesting, but as soon as i feel like i have it all figured out, i'll be bored. (should be another several months though, and i still REALLY like the people). not sure if that means being an engineer or not.
-to be able to take the time to make a really freaking awesome dinner every night if i wanted to, with lots of experimentation.
-to have as much vacation time as people get in europe. screw all this workaholic, no vacation, money money money american shit. it's ridiculous and draining, and i'd like more time to live my LIFE, thanks.
-a well designed (preferably by me) house that isn't too huge but is fucking AWESOME.

things that have to change so that these things can be possible:
-finish school
-get awesome job with decent pay and ample vacation time, or the ability to do it from home or far away, with minimal stress.
-move to beach/lake

and now, i need SLEEP.

we will see if any of this actually makes sense in the morning. haha.

irony

and, as ironic as it might be, happy things from this weekend and this week:

my new tires ROCK my face off. i am now semi-awesome at autocross. hee hee. my best time (80 seconds) was only about four seconds higher than the other guy in D stock, who has better tires and more mods than me.

i heart my sister and my cousin. they are probably the two people most like me/understanding of me in the world. (along with my brother).

i also heart my family. i got to see them on sunday, and while many of them were recovering from various colds/coughs/fevers, it was still a good time.

my daddy gives really awesome bear hugs.

got new windshield wiper blades on monday. thank heavens.

visited former professors and the crazy athens lunch crew (well, the two of them who came) also on monday. it was good. it reminded me that there are many, many people who actually care about my well-being. that's always a good thing.

INOKO on monday night. yellow sauce. enough said.

jesse and i climbed trees and played frisbee and cloud watched in piedmont park yesterday. it was calming, and i needed to talk, and he's a good listener (and we're both spastic, so that always makes for laughter). then after trivia i watched the lunar eclipse, which was also awesome. oh yeah, and joe and john BOTH now have the requisite shitboxes for autocross and promised to come to the next one, so it should be interesting and awesome.

yay good things!

cork in the bottle

i am emo right now. and it is not going away like it should. (seriously, i HATE it. it makes me feel like a girl, and illogical, and i get frustrated, but then when i get frustrated, i cry, and then the cycle repeats itself).

school is SERIOUSLY stressing me out. i don't enjoy it anymore. i no longer experience the state of "flow" when i do homework. ("flow" being the state of being totally engrossed in what i'm doing and not realizing that three hours just went by). i am unsure of what, if anything, to do about it. so i'm going to furiously tread water until may and use the fact that there are no summer classes offered to consider 1) why i am feeling this way--is it simply burnout, or do i really not want to continue pursuing my master's? and 2) where i will go from there. BUT i still have to get B's in my classes. i am stressed.

work is ok, i think the fact that i'm working full time and taking two classes is partially leading to this burnout.

finances are treading water. i accidentally paid too much on my credit card this month and had to withdraw from savings to cover it--TWICE. and ewok's vet bill was more than i was prepared for so i basically exchanged a balance on one card for an increased balance on a different one. i have decided no more wine out in atlanta (7 bucks a glass on average is RIDICULOUS; i can just have my wine at home, at friend's houses, or in carrollton for a WHOLE lot cheaper) and only one meal out per week. one NON EXTRAVAGANT meal out per week, with an extravagant one (20-30) once a month. but we all know how i do with rules, even self-imposed ones.

i've also been eating shittily (unhealthily) and not drinking enough water and not getting enough sleep or exercise. i caught up a little on sleep while my sister and my cousin were here this weekend, but one of the nights i couldn't sleep, and then monday night before i had to come back to work and school for the week, i also couldn't sleep.

so basically, i've been bottling up all the stress and all the worry about is this REALLY what i want to be doing with my life and all the frustration of never having enough time, traffic, and occasional insomnia. tuesday afternoon on the way home from work, for the hour and twenty minutes it took me to go 12 miles, i cried. i'm sure i must've looked crazy to other commuters, but it was pretty much past the point of caring. i think knowing that when i got home i had to jump straight into doing my take-home midterm made it much, much worse. the crying helped a little--yesterday i felt calmer, if only because i was drained, but i'm feeling sort of like i did on tuesday again. the worst part is, i don't know how to make it any better in the short term.

dear god. i need to be ABLE to sleep, i desperately need to do laundry, i need to put new brakes on...and i do not have time for any of those right now. (another midterm next tuesday, visiting a sick friend friday, and bigod i'm going to have some freaking fun on saturday/sunday because i NEED to. but i might try to do that laundry, especially since i can't go to work/school naked).

good news, what little of it there is right now: my lease people will let me leave april 30th. and i'm drinking water. two bottles. right now. :)

trying to keep my head above water so i won't drown.

i am awesome

and it smells AMAZING in here.

i remembered i had turkey stock leftover from christmas or thanksgiving in my freezer, and i had noodles...so i made turkey noodles. if you've never experienced the joy, i'll have to show you sometime. but don't count on me sharing.

and now, i'm roasting garlic. just because i want to. and it smells HEAVENLY.

i am exceedingly pleased with myself.

oh, and the happy things for today:

turkey noodles and roasted garlic
my car (are you seeing a pattern yet?)
a decent hair day, and not feeling fat or frumpy
not being lost in class/getting my concrete homework done a bit early
the SMELL of the garlic. jesus. i love good smells.

happy things

i have decided to attempt to post five things about each day that made me happy. today's were:

1) sunshine
2) my car
3) very little traffic on the way home
4) my kitties
5) bagels from einstein's in the kitchen at work this morning

i think i can even get to ten today...

6) GOOD coffee at work
7) my plants at work are reviving nicely
8) talking to jennifer
9) the shower that i'm going to take in a little while.


yay! happy stuff!

haha. also, i'm not counting this for today's because it's looking forward to stuff, but i am looking forward to wednesday evening of this week, friday morning through tuesday when melissa/jessica are here, and sunday. :)

OMFG

so i get home today to find a car in my parking space. so i go up to the concierge to report them and get them towed. the guy asks for my name, the space number in question, type of car, then begins shuffling through all the parking records, looking uncomfortable. i'm all, "that's gotta suck." (the papers were very disorganized)...to which he replies, "they asked us not to tow people."

um, WHAT?

i asked who, and basically, the APARTMENT LEASING SHITHEADS STILL DON'T HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER. fuckers. so they can tow ME if i'm in a spot for longer than thirty minutes but they can't tow people in MY spot. ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH. i am SO leaving this shithole when my lease is up. no more roaches, no more disgusting laundry room, no more teeny tiny kitchen, no more non-dishwasher, no more one room, no more INCOMPETENT FUCKERS, no more noisy asshole neighbors. (normally i don't hate it THIS much, today is just a bad day. i won't hate it this much tomorrow).

also? i got a speeding ticket this weekend. oh well. at least i'm on about a yearly schedule now instead of four a year. and by the time my insurance checks it again in june, three will have gone off and then just this one added, so hopefully it won't affect it much if any.

and narnia's being a bitch. she apparently STILL doesn't know who her sister is. god forbid ewok go to the vet. next time i'm going to fucking take them BOTH whether narnia has to go or not. cause this is just ridiculous.

ok. going to go calm down now. angry eyebrows do me no good. plus i'm sure they are unbecoming. plbt.

my eyeballs are melting already

cookie cutter housing is back.

this makes me want to become an arsonist.

SPRING FEVER

is in full force. i listened to dixie chicks tonight on the way home from dinner with mama and daddy with my sunroof open and while singing loudly. WEATHER LIKE THIS MAKES ME A LITTLE CRAZY (in a good way) AND ALSO MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE A ROAD TRIP. right now. RIGHT NOW. i'm just sayin.

if i did, i'd go to galveston. and if i got there before sunrise i'd watch the sunrise over the ocean and then go swimming before crashing. and sing that gin blossoms song that says something about galveston.

but for now, the dixie chicks song i've been singing:

It was about five 'til five on Friday
We were all getting ready to go
And the boss man started screaming
and his veins began to show
He said you and you come with me
'cause you're gonna have to stay
My heart was thumping I was jumping
I had to get away

Some days you gotta dance
Live it up when you get the chance
'Cause when the world doesn't make no sense
And you're feeling just a little too tense
Gotta loosen up those chains and dance

Well I was talking with my baby
over a small glass of tea
He asked the loaded question
He said how do you feel about me
My mind was racin' I was pacin'
but the words just wouldn't come
And there was only one thing
left to do I feel it comin' on

Some days you gotta dance
Live it up when you get the chance
'Cause when the world doesn't make no sense
And you're feeling just a little too tense
Gotta loosen up those chains and dance a ha

Some days you gotta dance
Live it up when you get the chance
'Cause when the world doesn't make no sense
And you're feeling just a little too tense
Gotta loosen up those chains and dance

You gotta loosen up those chains and dance
Come on and loosen up those chains and dance

random stuff

my favorite jeans are dead. they lasted almost four years though, and i wore them at least once a week, if not two or three times. so i would say they were totally worth the 50 or 60 bucks i paid for them, and i will never again complain about how expensive my favorite kind of jeans are, because they are the ONLY ones i've worn consistently since i found them.

frisbee and hiking are super fun--and i am super out of shape. i'm walking around like an arthritic 80 year old woman right now. today is the second day, though, so this is probably the worst.

my life is sorta steamrolling me right now. i realized i've come to the point where i either have to just suck it up and not procrastinate on schoolwork anymore, or give up. which, as we all know, is NOT an option because i'm too damned stubborn. so i will be working on my homework that is due friday TONIGHT instead of waiting till thursday at midnight, or worse, friday morning. also, i waste too much time on the internet. (and no, i do not have any work on my desk right now AGAIN, which sucks, so i am allowing myself to play online today, but i have to start doing homework after lunch if i still don't have work).

also, i need to get more sleep during the week. lately i've been staying up till 1 and 2 am on a weeknight and it's killing me. i caught up on sleep last night though; it was WONDERFUL. and i'm still allowing myself to stay up as late as i want on weekends. ;)

this month's goals:
1) to reach $1,000.00 in my baby emergency fund. this will happen automatically through direct deposit from my paycheck and automatic weekly transfers from my checking account. i am mucho excited.

2) use the "extra" paycheck i'll get this month (i get paid three times this month instead of the usual two because of the biweekly schedule) to pay off my tires, get new brake pads, fix my alignment, and pay down my remaining credit card debt.

3) exercise in some form at least 2x per week, whether it's a drop-in class or fun stuff on weekends.

4) eat more veggies. i love them and miss them. lol. also, cook more, because it's a lot easier to eat veggies when i cook them, since most restaurant meals are meat and potatoes based. (though i do love me some meat and potatoes. i'll get that at trivia so i don't feel deprived).

5) eat out less. i know i should quantify but if i quantify too much and then go over, i'll feel like i failed.

6) not let my apartment get so cluttered that it drives me nuts to be there. (unfortunately, it's already like that RIGHT NOW, but i'm scheduling cleaning time for tonight).

7) not leave dishes in the sink for more than 48 hours. I NEED A DISHWASHER at the next place i inhabit. sigh.

8) no internet/TV/snacking in bed. lately, because my apartment is all one room, i sit on my bed for pretty much everything and i think it's affecting me when i actually try to sleep there. so the couch is going to be my new best friend.

ok. i think that's enough for one month.

career fair in auburn tomorrow evening. should be interesting...

today

(well yesterday now)

was rough. it got better though.

tee hee hee.