i have come to the conclusion that i THINK TOO MUCH. my head is an incessant whirl of thoughts, coming at me from all angles, and i have no effective way of dealing with it. it has recently become so much turmoil that it's hard to go to sleep. so one of my many goals for this lovely new year is to find some way to quiet the constant chatter in my mind. aikido or yoga or even just exercise...something.
the question of relationships has been on my mind a lot lately as well. mostly, i just wonder if anyone even exists who shares my views on what marriage actually is, much less that AND who i'm actually attracted to AND wants a family AND...and, and, and. i read eat, pray, love last week. one of the many nuggets of wisdom i took from that book was that i (like the author, but she much more eloquently phrases it) tend to fall for someone's POTENTIAL...not necessarily the person they are right then. not good.
dating sucks. i tried match.com a while back and wow...just no. sometimes i feel like all the hard work and effort is not EVER going to end up being worthwhile, but that's mostly just on really bad days.
i am also still worried about finances. i'm beginning to wonder if that ever goes away and if i'll ever get the cushion in savings that i'd feel more comfortable with. it's growing, but VERY VERY slowly, and tuition keeps taking large chunks of it. and i have to get new tires this week. they are practically bald and i don't feel safe driving in the rain anymore. hopefully my tax return will at least allow me to pay off credit card debt. (though with the tires i'm not sure). also, it's been a little difficult adjusting to being paid once every two weeks instead of every week, though i think eventually i will like it that way more.
more thoughts involve my job, and on a larger scale, my place in the world. i don't know if engineering is people-oriented enough for me, but most of the people-oriented jobs i can think of either have shitty pay or are TOO people-oriented and while i like SOME people, i mostly just don't like people. (confusing? it's that way in my head too). as far as my place in the world, i feel like i need something spiritual in my life, but NOT organized religion. hence the maybe meditating or yoga. and, while i want a large family (three or four kids) i don't necessarily want to have them two years apart...so i'll be having kids till i'm like 45 at that rate, and that's not okay with me at all. so maybe nix a couple of the kids. but then what if i have one and i'm all, holy crap, no more?
THEN there are all the self-improvement thoughts, and i get all excited about them until i remember that most of these things cost money, of which i have little to spare...but EVENTUALLY, the list:
-take aikido and yoga
-take cooking classes once a month or so
-this one's a glimmer: i haven't used my creative brainpower in many years, but at one time it was there and i really enjoyed painting and clay stuff..so i'm thinking of doing some visual/tactile art, but the vision hasn't solidified yet.
-practicing shooting more
-becoming better at autocross
-BECOMING NEATER...my own mess frequently drives me crazy and that's ridiculous
-overcoming procrastination and laziness (not sure how to go about this one, if you have any ideas please share).
-most of all, continue the process i began this spring of paring down my life to only the people and activities and things i truly enjoy (well, the ones that are within my control. obviously i can't get rid of taxes or car insurance and stuff). it's all about balance, of which i am slowly gaining. hopefully.
i just have to remember, i make my life. i choose the things i do and the people i'm around, therefore i have some say in whether i am happy or unhappy. and barring a choice, i can at least choose my thoughts in relation to certain topics. hopefully i am learning how to be optimistic again (without being out of touch or unrealistic--that's the hard part for me).
Monday, December 31, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
updates and stuff
i failed the LEED test. by three freaking points. my 83.5 (or 167/200) wasn't good enough; i needed an 85 (or 170/200). i should have rescheduled the test for january upon realizing that the updated manual is three times as big as the one i last used in 2005 (or i should have taken the test in 2005). sigh. that means i have to pay the $250 test fee. double sigh. however, if and when i take it and pass it, my company will pay for that test fee. just not this one. :(
love my job still. seriously. love it. love the people, love the atmosphere, love it. hee hee. this is such a foreign feeling. :)
gave blood today (spur of the moment decision, a couple of the guys at work give every three months and were going today). didn't pass out...just almost a couple times. forceful coughing helps, apparently.
omg i just realized grades are now available. hold your breath, i'm gonna check...
I GOT A B!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! NO ACADEMIC WARNING!!!!!!!!!
whew. i was really afraid. now i can't stop smiling. :)
love my job still. seriously. love it. love the people, love the atmosphere, love it. hee hee. this is such a foreign feeling. :)
gave blood today (spur of the moment decision, a couple of the guys at work give every three months and were going today). didn't pass out...just almost a couple times. forceful coughing helps, apparently.
omg i just realized grades are now available. hold your breath, i'm gonna check...
I GOT A B!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! NO ACADEMIC WARNING!!!!!!!!!
whew. i was really afraid. now i can't stop smiling. :)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
disenchanted lullaby...
sing me yours i'll sing you mine...
rough time in my life right now. i got an e-mail today from a great (understanding, empathetic) friend and just wow. it was comforting at least.
rough does not necessarily mean bad. i know all these changes are, for the most part, good and necessary for my growth. i just have had a really hard time adjusting to change since i was a small child, and now is no exception. sometimes, i just want to throw down in the floor and pitch a fit because I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP. i don't want to be jaded, i don't want to be hurt, i don't want to build walls to protect myself, i don't want the financial responsibility, i don't want to clean up my own room, and i most certainly don't want to iron. i don't even really want the independence because with that comes burdens so the idea of truly being independent was sort of a hoax anyway.
i think i'm just having a down day. most of the time i'm pretty happy. just...sometimes i want a stable, happy, blissful even, period in my life instead of upheaval. the last time i had that was about three years ago. at least i remember it and what it feels like.
i DID enjoy my drive home today, and i'm going to see about $150 more of my money per paycheck now, which will help with tires, tuition, and car insurance. if/when i get a raise, though, all of that (except 1 %) is going to retirement b/c i dropped that down to 6% for a while. i feel better though. :)
rough time in my life right now. i got an e-mail today from a great (understanding, empathetic) friend and just wow. it was comforting at least.
rough does not necessarily mean bad. i know all these changes are, for the most part, good and necessary for my growth. i just have had a really hard time adjusting to change since i was a small child, and now is no exception. sometimes, i just want to throw down in the floor and pitch a fit because I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP. i don't want to be jaded, i don't want to be hurt, i don't want to build walls to protect myself, i don't want the financial responsibility, i don't want to clean up my own room, and i most certainly don't want to iron. i don't even really want the independence because with that comes burdens so the idea of truly being independent was sort of a hoax anyway.
i think i'm just having a down day. most of the time i'm pretty happy. just...sometimes i want a stable, happy, blissful even, period in my life instead of upheaval. the last time i had that was about three years ago. at least i remember it and what it feels like.
i DID enjoy my drive home today, and i'm going to see about $150 more of my money per paycheck now, which will help with tires, tuition, and car insurance. if/when i get a raise, though, all of that (except 1 %) is going to retirement b/c i dropped that down to 6% for a while. i feel better though. :)
Monday, December 03, 2007
dave grohl
i think i'm going insane...
saturday night i dreamed i
-met dave grohl
-he liked me so much we (me, my mom, and my sister--no, i have NO IDEA why they were in the dream too) got to go on tour with him
-somehow they disappeared with the rest of the group and i walked into this random room and it was just dave
-he started singing....and then, in my dream, i had sex with dave grohl. it was good. but i do remember sadly thinking that it wasn't as good as meaningful sex, but knowing that it would have to do since he was married and all.
so ANYWAY. not sure where that came from.
school's ok. work's still good. sorta blah though. i need to decorate my apartment for christmas. i think that will make it a little better. then maybe make cookies.
saturday night i dreamed i
-met dave grohl
-he liked me so much we (me, my mom, and my sister--no, i have NO IDEA why they were in the dream too) got to go on tour with him
-somehow they disappeared with the rest of the group and i walked into this random room and it was just dave
-he started singing....and then, in my dream, i had sex with dave grohl. it was good. but i do remember sadly thinking that it wasn't as good as meaningful sex, but knowing that it would have to do since he was married and all.
so ANYWAY. not sure where that came from.
school's ok. work's still good. sorta blah though. i need to decorate my apartment for christmas. i think that will make it a little better. then maybe make cookies.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
nasal cavities and procrastination
i think i'm sick AGAIN. my nose is stuffy and my throat feels like hell. debating whether to go get the antibiotics and take some.
i'm SUPPOSED to be studying right now; my last test is tomorrow. i have been studying for a couple hours. it's hard to concentrate when you can't breathe. :(
anyway. in other news, i'm ok. finally. maybe things could have turned out differently, maybe not...but either way, the timing was just not right. i think i'm almost ready to be friends again, if that is still an option.
in still more news, i sort of fell off the financial bandwagon i previously put myself on. not badly, but i got christmas presents (which i actually did really well on, i'm proud of myself) AND while i was out getting them decided to get $60 worth of stuff for me. totally NOT OK. and i accidentally spent $45 on iTunes. and while the YMOYL philosophy is no shame, no blame, i don't think they're necessarily referring to purchases AFTER you're aware of where your money goes.
BUT i filled out the paperwork for tuition reimbursement from work today. but the bad news is i think they only reimburse 50% even though i thought i heard that they fully reimbursed when i interviewed. oh well. every little bit helps, i'm just glad they do anything at all.
speaking of which, so far i LOVE my new job. it took me 18 minutes to get there the first day, 20 the second, 30 yesterday (i left late so it's my own fault) and 15 today. going home is bad, though, with times of 30 min, an hour, 1:05, and 45 minutes, respectively. i think if i just either leave by 4 or after 6 it won't be that bad. or eat with someone near perimeter after i get off work. mom hinted she might want to meet me up there sometimes...i hope she does. more reasons i love my job: the people are DIVERSE! and even different ages! when i walked in my first morning, my computer was ALREADY SET UP and i had OFFICE SUPPLIES and a chair. and they brew starbucks coffee in their coffeemaker. and there are restaurants, many thousands of restaurants, nearby. and there's autocad 2007. and monthly breakfasts, and the occasional afternoon social gathering...
don't get me wrong, there are things this job doesn't have that my old one did, but overall i think this is a better fit. :)
i'm seriously considering moving nearer to work. but i LIKE midtown, and i LIKE being near tech for all the inevitable group projects we'll have to do. so i think i'm staying. unless, of course, the people in the apartment next door kill me...
it all started when i was studying in silence...until noises of people yelling and loud music erupted through my wall. at first i thought they'd realize how loud it was and turn it down soon. no such luck. thirty minutes later i'm TOTALLY distracted. *what happened next i am not exactly proud of, but oh well* so. i went over to my stereo (which was, conveniently, plugged in on the wall that loud people share with me), turned the speakers around so that they were TOUCHING the shared wall in question (because sound travels better through solids; i'm not an engineer for nothing) turned it on CD (which, conveniently, is holding godsmack at the moment), found the loudest, most bass-ey song i could, turned my mega-bass all the way up, pressed "play" and jacked the volume up so loud i could feel the air vibrating from across the room. i figured thirty seconds of that and they'd get the point. nope. i even waited after pausing it for a minute or two, hoping they'd realize they sucked. still nope.
eventually, they shut up (or left, because i think they're back--and noisy--again.) :/
i can see the light at the end of the semester tunnel. test tomorrow, project due wednesday, final the following monday. then i'll be DONE. and maybe on "warning" if i make a C. but with the last several things we have to do there's still 47% of our grade to be determined. so i need a B on the test.
gonna study and take nyquil now. ;)
i'm SUPPOSED to be studying right now; my last test is tomorrow. i have been studying for a couple hours. it's hard to concentrate when you can't breathe. :(
anyway. in other news, i'm ok. finally. maybe things could have turned out differently, maybe not...but either way, the timing was just not right. i think i'm almost ready to be friends again, if that is still an option.
in still more news, i sort of fell off the financial bandwagon i previously put myself on. not badly, but i got christmas presents (which i actually did really well on, i'm proud of myself) AND while i was out getting them decided to get $60 worth of stuff for me. totally NOT OK. and i accidentally spent $45 on iTunes. and while the YMOYL philosophy is no shame, no blame, i don't think they're necessarily referring to purchases AFTER you're aware of where your money goes.
BUT i filled out the paperwork for tuition reimbursement from work today. but the bad news is i think they only reimburse 50% even though i thought i heard that they fully reimbursed when i interviewed. oh well. every little bit helps, i'm just glad they do anything at all.
speaking of which, so far i LOVE my new job. it took me 18 minutes to get there the first day, 20 the second, 30 yesterday (i left late so it's my own fault) and 15 today. going home is bad, though, with times of 30 min, an hour, 1:05, and 45 minutes, respectively. i think if i just either leave by 4 or after 6 it won't be that bad. or eat with someone near perimeter after i get off work. mom hinted she might want to meet me up there sometimes...i hope she does. more reasons i love my job: the people are DIVERSE! and even different ages! when i walked in my first morning, my computer was ALREADY SET UP and i had OFFICE SUPPLIES and a chair. and they brew starbucks coffee in their coffeemaker. and there are restaurants, many thousands of restaurants, nearby. and there's autocad 2007. and monthly breakfasts, and the occasional afternoon social gathering...
don't get me wrong, there are things this job doesn't have that my old one did, but overall i think this is a better fit. :)
i'm seriously considering moving nearer to work. but i LIKE midtown, and i LIKE being near tech for all the inevitable group projects we'll have to do. so i think i'm staying. unless, of course, the people in the apartment next door kill me...
it all started when i was studying in silence...until noises of people yelling and loud music erupted through my wall. at first i thought they'd realize how loud it was and turn it down soon. no such luck. thirty minutes later i'm TOTALLY distracted. *what happened next i am not exactly proud of, but oh well* so. i went over to my stereo (which was, conveniently, plugged in on the wall that loud people share with me), turned the speakers around so that they were TOUCHING the shared wall in question (because sound travels better through solids; i'm not an engineer for nothing) turned it on CD (which, conveniently, is holding godsmack at the moment), found the loudest, most bass-ey song i could, turned my mega-bass all the way up, pressed "play" and jacked the volume up so loud i could feel the air vibrating from across the room. i figured thirty seconds of that and they'd get the point. nope. i even waited after pausing it for a minute or two, hoping they'd realize they sucked. still nope.
eventually, they shut up (or left, because i think they're back--and noisy--again.) :/
i can see the light at the end of the semester tunnel. test tomorrow, project due wednesday, final the following monday. then i'll be DONE. and maybe on "warning" if i make a C. but with the last several things we have to do there's still 47% of our grade to be determined. so i need a B on the test.
gonna study and take nyquil now. ;)
Friday, November 23, 2007
turmoil
i can't sleep. gah.
thoughts spinning and whirling and i'm wondering if i should pay attention to them.
thoughts spinning and whirling and i'm wondering if i should pay attention to them.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
musing
i am sitting in my not-mine-for-much-longer office. it's almost empty, and there's no lamp. it feels cold and stark and distinctly un-homelike. sigh.
i really like the people here and i will miss them. however, i am SUPER excited about the soon-to-be new place, with a MUCH smaller commute and people more diverse and work more diverse also.
oh yeah, and i got a white chocolate mocha with THREE shots of espresso last night so i could stay up and finish homework and boy, did it work. i'm STILL going...but i think the wall will be hit within the next five hours.
gotta go to tech to turn in homework, go get cat food, do my dishes, vacuum, feed cats, pack, and then head to mom's house all while hopefully avoiding traffic (well, any MAJOR traffic, that is). wish me luck.
i cannot WAIT to crochet over thanksgiving break. i haven't done any in almost a year and i'm starting to miss it. i think i will try a sweater this year. ;)
i really like the people here and i will miss them. however, i am SUPER excited about the soon-to-be new place, with a MUCH smaller commute and people more diverse and work more diverse also.
oh yeah, and i got a white chocolate mocha with THREE shots of espresso last night so i could stay up and finish homework and boy, did it work. i'm STILL going...but i think the wall will be hit within the next five hours.
gotta go to tech to turn in homework, go get cat food, do my dishes, vacuum, feed cats, pack, and then head to mom's house all while hopefully avoiding traffic (well, any MAJOR traffic, that is). wish me luck.
i cannot WAIT to crochet over thanksgiving break. i haven't done any in almost a year and i'm starting to miss it. i think i will try a sweater this year. ;)
Thursday, November 15, 2007
more random thoughts from the annals of my brain
i totally used the line about slot cars today. i.e. "did it smell like slot cars?" (wrinkled nose)
**warning** i took nyquil fifteen minutes ago. just so you know, it could possibly get a little crazy soon.
i woke up this morning and my nose was funky. as in, it needed blowing, but the stuff that needed blowing was way back in the back and wouldn't come out when i blew it, but constantly "snags," if you will, when i breathe. anyone who gets sinus infections regularly should know exactly what i mean. it's that higher-up-than normal blob of snot that also makes your throat feel a little off and makes your ears stop up a little. the one that warns you, "i'm not fucking around. you better take some damned cold medicine OR ELSE." hence the nyquil. we shall see if it helps though, cause technically i should have taken claritin and sudafed and mucinex this morning when i first noticed it, according to the First Law of Amanda's Sinuses. (yes, you can mix those meds. just not nyquil with those. the only one you can take with nyquil is claritin. my dad's a pharmacist).
i have come to the conclusion that the only difference between teenage angst and twenties angst is awareness. when you're a teenager, hormones and inexperience allow you to be blind to the fact that you're angsty (most of the time) and you think it all really matters. god. but when you're in your twenties, you know there's no real reason to hate the world and be all emo and shit, but it happens anyway. and there's nothing you can do about it. i KNOW i need to take a chill pill, and i do have methods of self-calming, but sometimes? sometimes i WANT to be pissed off at all the stupid people/assholes/people whose philosophies are unlike mine because they are closed minded. alas, knowing why people piss me off doesn't help me not be pissed off.
oh god. i just sneezed. then i had to blow my nose, and it was semi-productive, but the way-back-there-blob just got bigger and more constrictive of my nasal passages. hurry up, nyquil.
i have decided to use mint.com to keep track of my finances. it's pretty cool, and the interface is much more user-friendly than wesabe. in my humble opinion, anyway. i got a pretty graph from it. (pie graph). and it tracks your spending in various areas month to month, so after a few months i'll actually be able to see progress or lack thereof ALL ON ONE SCREEN.
and! i realized i'll be getting a pretty substantial refund from federal taxes this year! all you people who are about to jump on my case for giving the government an interest-free loan, shut it. if i hadn't had this money taken out of my paycheck i probably would have spent it, not saved it, and this way, i'll get a big check and immediately stick most if not all of it in savings. i MIGHT allow myself a pedicure. and i need new tires (but that is a NOW need--and is a NEED--especially if it rains, so i might not be able to wait that long). however, the refund will be almost enough to pay tuition. grin. but my mom offered to lend me the money (interest free) and then when work reimburses me in may i can pay her back...which i am seriously considering doing (and giving her interest, at least as much as she would've earned had she put it in her money market account).
now that saving approximately 200 bucks on gas every month is a very real probability, i am practically giddy with excitement about how that means i can build up an emergency fund and pay off my credit card that much faster. :)
most blogs i have read say it takes about a year between wanting to live frugally and actually realizing the state of living frugally...if that is the case i've got about four to six months left...i hope it isn't that long. i can tell i think differently about spending money now though. grin.
it has been almost two weeks since i have purchased a meal at any type of restaurant. i am so proud of myself, and strangely, i have no desire to go out to eat to celebrate. go me!
and i think i will crochet scarves for the relevant people for christmas. if i do relatively skinny ones i think i can do enough. plus, who doesn't love a really great, soft scarf?
**warning** i took nyquil fifteen minutes ago. just so you know, it could possibly get a little crazy soon.
i woke up this morning and my nose was funky. as in, it needed blowing, but the stuff that needed blowing was way back in the back and wouldn't come out when i blew it, but constantly "snags," if you will, when i breathe. anyone who gets sinus infections regularly should know exactly what i mean. it's that higher-up-than normal blob of snot that also makes your throat feel a little off and makes your ears stop up a little. the one that warns you, "i'm not fucking around. you better take some damned cold medicine OR ELSE." hence the nyquil. we shall see if it helps though, cause technically i should have taken claritin and sudafed and mucinex this morning when i first noticed it, according to the First Law of Amanda's Sinuses. (yes, you can mix those meds. just not nyquil with those. the only one you can take with nyquil is claritin. my dad's a pharmacist).
i have come to the conclusion that the only difference between teenage angst and twenties angst is awareness. when you're a teenager, hormones and inexperience allow you to be blind to the fact that you're angsty (most of the time) and you think it all really matters. god. but when you're in your twenties, you know there's no real reason to hate the world and be all emo and shit, but it happens anyway. and there's nothing you can do about it. i KNOW i need to take a chill pill, and i do have methods of self-calming, but sometimes? sometimes i WANT to be pissed off at all the stupid people/assholes/people whose philosophies are unlike mine because they are closed minded. alas, knowing why people piss me off doesn't help me not be pissed off.
oh god. i just sneezed. then i had to blow my nose, and it was semi-productive, but the way-back-there-blob just got bigger and more constrictive of my nasal passages. hurry up, nyquil.
i have decided to use mint.com to keep track of my finances. it's pretty cool, and the interface is much more user-friendly than wesabe. in my humble opinion, anyway. i got a pretty graph from it. (pie graph). and it tracks your spending in various areas month to month, so after a few months i'll actually be able to see progress or lack thereof ALL ON ONE SCREEN.
and! i realized i'll be getting a pretty substantial refund from federal taxes this year! all you people who are about to jump on my case for giving the government an interest-free loan, shut it. if i hadn't had this money taken out of my paycheck i probably would have spent it, not saved it, and this way, i'll get a big check and immediately stick most if not all of it in savings. i MIGHT allow myself a pedicure. and i need new tires (but that is a NOW need--and is a NEED--especially if it rains, so i might not be able to wait that long). however, the refund will be almost enough to pay tuition. grin. but my mom offered to lend me the money (interest free) and then when work reimburses me in may i can pay her back...which i am seriously considering doing (and giving her interest, at least as much as she would've earned had she put it in her money market account).
now that saving approximately 200 bucks on gas every month is a very real probability, i am practically giddy with excitement about how that means i can build up an emergency fund and pay off my credit card that much faster. :)
most blogs i have read say it takes about a year between wanting to live frugally and actually realizing the state of living frugally...if that is the case i've got about four to six months left...i hope it isn't that long. i can tell i think differently about spending money now though. grin.
it has been almost two weeks since i have purchased a meal at any type of restaurant. i am so proud of myself, and strangely, i have no desire to go out to eat to celebrate. go me!
and i think i will crochet scarves for the relevant people for christmas. if i do relatively skinny ones i think i can do enough. plus, who doesn't love a really great, soft scarf?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
pictures from halloween, finally
be sure and note:
bad jewelry
leg warmers/leggings/pumps combo
eye makeup, specifically blue/purple eye shadow UP TO THE EYEBROWS
strange lopsided grin cause i'm trying not to get hideous pink lipstick on my teeth
p.s. debbie gibson is neat-o!
bad jewelry
leg warmers/leggings/pumps combo
eye makeup, specifically blue/purple eye shadow UP TO THE EYEBROWS
strange lopsided grin cause i'm trying not to get hideous pink lipstick on my teeth
p.s. debbie gibson is neat-o!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
this one's gonna be a long one...
i told my current boss i was leaving friday. it was kind of sad but i think he understood. and (dramatic pause) i was READY. no more crappy commute, no more 30,000 miles a year (or more) on my car, no more spending $300 per month on gas. and i get to design entire structures now (i think i'll be starting with cell phone towers, but hey, we all have to start somewhere right?) also, i might get to CLIMB cell phone towers. that was mentioned offhand in the interview (as in i probably wouldn't be interested but one guy who is an engineer does it sometimes) and i was all, well i just went skydiving so that sounds cool. ha ha. don't think he expected that. he (the engineer who interviewed me and i think will be my boss) seems cool. as in, someone i might actually have chosen for a friend were he not my future boss. know what i mean? (yet another reason i am super excited about this new job). i'm going to tour the place and meet my co-workers on friday.
i just need (NEED) to say something about the whole teens in malls issue. well, some things.
-some places THAT SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, the mall is the only thing to do on weekends. so when you eliminate the possibility for teens WHO ARE OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE THEMSELVES AROUND to go to the mall, you increase teen pregnancy and the usage of dirt roads and backseats, or the incidence of "field parties," or "cruising."
-i think that punishing EVERYONE for the actions of a few breeds resentment and hostility from the teens who are decent. as one of the "good kids" throughout school, the easiest way to make me dislike/disrespect (at least in my head)/get angry at/become enraged at an authority figure was for that person to punish the entire class for the actions of a few. way to go, now ALL teens hate you (mall rule-makers, adults in general), not just the shitty ones.
-that said, i can't say i really blame any of the mall security people or the rule makers for this. the parents of the shitty teens are the ones who are to blame, because they want the mall to babysit their shitty kids. i still think they could've come up with a better solution though. (like, if you want to annoy/harrass people at the mall on friday and saturday nights, you can just get "arrested" by the mall security people and be forced to scrape gum off the bottoms of food court tables NEXT friday and saturday nights. no?)
i procrastinate a lot. and i don't like that about myself, and i KNOW it only creates more stress later (and now, cause i stress about procrastinating stuff i shouldn't) but i can't seem to stop. the only times i have been moderately successful at not procrastinating were when i had so freaking much to do that i had NO spare time and had to plan every task and fill every moment or something wouldn't get done. but no matter how bad it is for me and how much my rational brain KNOWS it's bad, i don't stop procrastinating. sigh.
also, i thought about clothing. in a somewhat deeper than normal context, if you will. (ha ha. you can go ahead and laugh). i thought about all the pieces of clothing that i bought that i LOVE. then i thought about all the other pieces of clothing that i have bought that i "settled" on, usually because i "needed" something THAT DAY and when i didn't find anything i loved i got something anyway. applying that to life, i though about the things i do that i LOVE (autocross, simplicity, trivia, see my family/friends) and the things i do to fill up time or that i feel are necessary but usually don't end up enjoying. granted these time-fillers are much fewer and farther between now, what with being forced to think about stuff in the context of simplicity and not being stressed and spread too thin. however, the two biggest (right now) are school and work. i don't know if i hate engineering, or if i just hate jumping through hoops and useless repetition. right now i'm leaning toward hating hoops/repetition, because there is something very fundamentally satisfying about getting a design right, or getting a homework problem right (if it's something you've never done before. but after the 2564987201146776685236232006th one, i'm so over that shit. and mad because repeating it that many times taught me NOTHING). anyway. the point of this whole thing is i'm going to think, longer and harder, about things that i add to my life from now on, whether it's purchases or activities or responsibilities. do they really add (=enrich), or am i using it as a substitute for something else? my goal, in clothing analogy, is to own only clothing that i feel GREAT in. whether it's super-comfortable or super-career-intimidating-business or just super-cute-and-casual. i will only own it/participate in it/do it if i LOVE it. (this excludes paying bills and working and stuff because i realize they are a necessary part of life. i will not, however, use the excuse of "i have to live SOMEWHERE" to rent the super expensive apartment when the cheap one is just fine).
to this end, i am considering cancelling cable and just having internet. however, i might like my TLC shows and 24 and the office and scrubs and my name is earl too much to make that plunge right now. i have also decided i will most likely live at my current apartment for longer than the one year i initially gave myself. it's super cheap, safe, and i can't beat the location for that price. it's about as cheap as having my own apartment in carrollton would be. that. is. insane.
financially, i'm ok. i'm working on two weeks of not eating out. however, i realized that due to my current job's dress code (or distinct lack thereof) i do not have enough pants that are not jeans to get through two weeks of (new) work. so instead of going to the mall and spending a shit ton of money on overpriced sweat shop clothing, i found two pairs of pants on ebay. however, after winning them i realized that with shipping they were only about 2/3 the cost of regular clothes at a store as opposed to the 1/2 or less they would have been if shipping were less costly. i think i need to go to thrift stores from now on. and i feel guilty about buying them even though they were actually a need. sigh. and i could still use more pants.
i just need (NEED) to say something about the whole teens in malls issue. well, some things.
-some places THAT SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, the mall is the only thing to do on weekends. so when you eliminate the possibility for teens WHO ARE OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE THEMSELVES AROUND to go to the mall, you increase teen pregnancy and the usage of dirt roads and backseats, or the incidence of "field parties," or "cruising."
-i think that punishing EVERYONE for the actions of a few breeds resentment and hostility from the teens who are decent. as one of the "good kids" throughout school, the easiest way to make me dislike/disrespect (at least in my head)/get angry at/become enraged at an authority figure was for that person to punish the entire class for the actions of a few. way to go, now ALL teens hate you (mall rule-makers, adults in general), not just the shitty ones.
-that said, i can't say i really blame any of the mall security people or the rule makers for this. the parents of the shitty teens are the ones who are to blame, because they want the mall to babysit their shitty kids. i still think they could've come up with a better solution though. (like, if you want to annoy/harrass people at the mall on friday and saturday nights, you can just get "arrested" by the mall security people and be forced to scrape gum off the bottoms of food court tables NEXT friday and saturday nights. no?)
i procrastinate a lot. and i don't like that about myself, and i KNOW it only creates more stress later (and now, cause i stress about procrastinating stuff i shouldn't) but i can't seem to stop. the only times i have been moderately successful at not procrastinating were when i had so freaking much to do that i had NO spare time and had to plan every task and fill every moment or something wouldn't get done. but no matter how bad it is for me and how much my rational brain KNOWS it's bad, i don't stop procrastinating. sigh.
also, i thought about clothing. in a somewhat deeper than normal context, if you will. (ha ha. you can go ahead and laugh). i thought about all the pieces of clothing that i bought that i LOVE. then i thought about all the other pieces of clothing that i have bought that i "settled" on, usually because i "needed" something THAT DAY and when i didn't find anything i loved i got something anyway. applying that to life, i though about the things i do that i LOVE (autocross, simplicity, trivia, see my family/friends) and the things i do to fill up time or that i feel are necessary but usually don't end up enjoying. granted these time-fillers are much fewer and farther between now, what with being forced to think about stuff in the context of simplicity and not being stressed and spread too thin. however, the two biggest (right now) are school and work. i don't know if i hate engineering, or if i just hate jumping through hoops and useless repetition. right now i'm leaning toward hating hoops/repetition, because there is something very fundamentally satisfying about getting a design right, or getting a homework problem right (if it's something you've never done before. but after the 2564987201146776685236232006th one, i'm so over that shit. and mad because repeating it that many times taught me NOTHING). anyway. the point of this whole thing is i'm going to think, longer and harder, about things that i add to my life from now on, whether it's purchases or activities or responsibilities. do they really add (=enrich), or am i using it as a substitute for something else? my goal, in clothing analogy, is to own only clothing that i feel GREAT in. whether it's super-comfortable or super-career-intimidating-business or just super-cute-and-casual. i will only own it/participate in it/do it if i LOVE it. (this excludes paying bills and working and stuff because i realize they are a necessary part of life. i will not, however, use the excuse of "i have to live SOMEWHERE" to rent the super expensive apartment when the cheap one is just fine).
to this end, i am considering cancelling cable and just having internet. however, i might like my TLC shows and 24 and the office and scrubs and my name is earl too much to make that plunge right now. i have also decided i will most likely live at my current apartment for longer than the one year i initially gave myself. it's super cheap, safe, and i can't beat the location for that price. it's about as cheap as having my own apartment in carrollton would be. that. is. insane.
financially, i'm ok. i'm working on two weeks of not eating out. however, i realized that due to my current job's dress code (or distinct lack thereof) i do not have enough pants that are not jeans to get through two weeks of (new) work. so instead of going to the mall and spending a shit ton of money on overpriced sweat shop clothing, i found two pairs of pants on ebay. however, after winning them i realized that with shipping they were only about 2/3 the cost of regular clothes at a store as opposed to the 1/2 or less they would have been if shipping were less costly. i think i need to go to thrift stores from now on. and i feel guilty about buying them even though they were actually a need. sigh. and i could still use more pants.
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